AIBU to stay with someone lovely if we do not quite click?

[Nogreenskittles]

I’m in a LTR relationship with a lovely guy.

we are both divorced with 2 teenage kids each and separate homes. No intention to move in together until kids have left school.

the relationship ticks lots of boxes- he’s respectful and reliable, we get on well and enjoy each other’s company. Part of me is very content and would be happy to continue like this indefinitely.

the problem is he doesn’t make me laugh. I mean like we rarely really really laugh about something together. Don’t get me wrong we share similar humour, and he isn’t super serious. But it’s not like with most of my friends where we have running jokes, or I’ll know they’ll just ‘get it’. I’ve had ex boyfriends where we’ve really gelled in terms of humour.

I sometimes think we just don’t ‘click’

im not sure if it’s a problem though…after all, I get that connection from female friends.

am I wrong to stay in this relationship? Or am I going to regret not looking for something with a better connection?

I do love him. And I like him.

I would end it. It doesn’t sound like there’s anything you really spark on or you’ll end up feeling lonely.

A friend of mine went for a stable, caring man after a very passionate but tumultuous relationship. I’ve tried hard to like him but he’s just so boring. Every conversation just feels like bland small talk. Recently it was her 40th and he went to bed first, at 11:30! I’ve no doubt he loves her and she feels safe, but it just feels like he’s gradually sucking the life out of her too. Like a really nice dementor.

I’ve dated similar guys who on paper are really sensible long term options. There was nothing wrong with them. But if you don’t have that spark it never works. You’ll feel more resentful over time and never fully settled and happy.

If you’ve met someone you want to grow old with, despite all the challenges that brings, you’d know and you wouldn’t be asking the question.

So you can stay and settle but always feel like a piece of the puzzle is missing, or let him and you find someone more compatible. You also need to be prepared to be single as it’s slim pickings out there in the world of dating.

Yes - I think the ‘slim pickings’ is at the heart of it.

i actually think that if i split up with him, then I wouldn’t bother getting into another relationship. The average single guy in late 40’s and over is almost always a basket case of a human.

i was quite happy being single before I met him, so I might just go back to that.

Divorced almost 5 years. So haven’t rushed into things.

The last few years have been really stressful so I guess that I’ve not been full of laughs. Maybe I’m not going to be attractive to someone who shares my sense of humour if I’m not showing it very much?

I just find there are very few witty, funny guys out there.

Both these analogies are really good- I’m just not sure whether it’s about the sprinkles or the flavour.

@QueenOfHiraeth sums up how I feel about it. I am content in my life and he is part of it. And yet there’s a niggle about this.

I remember reading that another person can only be 80 per cent right for you. So there’s always going to be something ‘missing’ in every relationship.

i also think we expect too much from our romantic relationships- no one person can be everything.

I suppose I started this thread to work out if this is about the sprinkles or the flavour of the cake.

god knows! But thanks for helping me thrash it out!

Sounds awfully like the relationship I was in. He didn’t make me laugh. And that is pretty much my only nailed on requirement of a man. He was as my son called him ‘a very basic man’ we didn’t have deep conversations, there was no emotional connection..He couldn’t do talk about feelings or anything really other than chat. But he was kind and would do anything for me. But in the end I couldn’t do it anymore, I found him repulsive because of all the above and I was very unhappy. I’m single and we are friends now.

Funny people can get extremely boring too. If you get on well enjoy the same things, like him, love him, enjoy each others company and the sex, etc, etc it seems like you are looking for some reason to get out of the relationship. What's the problem? Do you say things to him that make your friends howl with laughter and he doesn't? I'm sure you could make him laugh if you tried there must be some funny things that have happened in your relationship to remind him of for a giggle, remember that time when.... It sounds like you click in all the important ways.

This is a tricky one. You know that you’d be settling but is there enough to settle for with him?

Good conversation and laughter is fundamental to a relationship for most people and especially as we age it becomes even more important.

A close friend recently exited a relationship after 20 years with a partner that they just couldn’t enjoy a deep conversation with or have a real laugh together. They stayed together for the sake of their kids (she got pregnant early in the relationship) and now the kids have gone to uni, they’ve split. My friend is smart and witty and charming and it’s sad to see that all that has been effectively put on ice for 20 years. But they are now coming out of that frozen state and realising just how much they have missed.

My DH (of over 30 years) isn’t witty on the daily but now and again he says something which hits the mark so well it has me howling for days. I think I might actually find someone constantly cracking jokes quite tiresome. We do however share the same sense of humour and laugh at the same things. If you can’t laugh at the same things I think that’s a problem but if it’s just cos he isn’t witty well, meh, we can’t all be comedians

So regular good enough sex , you guys get on well , shared interests & hobbies ,he’s kind & good company , so compatible enough 🤷🏻‍♀️.
You’re asking really should you be happy to settle for all that you do have, incase you don’t find someone that you can have it all with .
I’m on the fence being honest , I wouldn’t know what to do if i was in your situation either.
It Is very hard to find good men , that much I do know .

Oh OP I know exactly how you are feeling. My last relationship was the One for me...but not for him (although guess what, as usual he seems to regretted ending it, too late). I'm now with a lovely man, who's an engineer with all the characteristics you'd expect 😄 and even worse, is a Tory!! BUT he's so kind, generous and supportive he has gradually won me over. I'm even having skme moments where I adore him! I've realised that one factor is that I'm not used to being treated well and put first. Its an unsettling feeling but I'm getting used to it. Might this be a factor for you??

Sounds like you’ve made your mind up about him already. Plod along if you like but if I were you, and I’m not, that’s all it would ever be. Cohabitating with a bloke is overrated anyway.

I wouldn’t dismiss that offhand. It does sound like you enjoy a lot of similar things. I wish DH enjoyed the theatre too, but he’d be bored stiff, so I usually go on my own or with a friend.

If he’s kind and the main issue is that you don’t share exactly the same sense of humour, I wouldn’t necessarily see that as a reason to end things. No one person can meet all our needs, and there’s nothing wrong with getting different things from different relationships. You can always joke around and laugh with friends.

But ultimately only you can decide whether it’s something you can live with or whether it’s a deal breaker for you.