AIBU to resent DH constantly complaining about tiredness since DD was born

[Weareallreallytired]

Before I start moaning, I just have to caveat by saying I know my DH works long hours and has a very stressful job. But I am honestly sick to the back teeth of him moaning about how tired he is since our DD was born 18 months ago.

From the day we left the hospital it was been constant. He moved into the spare room when she was 4 days old. She sleeps through the night now but I did every single night feed as I was breast feeding even when I had a sick bug and had to crawl into her room. I get up with her every morning even when we were on holiday, I didn’t get 1 lie in as he was soooo exhausted from work. The baby monitor disturbs him. It’s just endless moaning.

He does work long hours and there is a lot of evening events he has to attend whilst I’m a SAHM so I do totally understand that he needs to catch up on sleep but I’m sooo fed up of being up at the crack of dawn with DD whilst DH ‘snoozes’ upstairs and then having to listen to him whinge about how tired he is.

I’ve suggested he go back in the spare room, wear ear plugs, have white noise on etc but apparently he is still being disturbed.

I’ve tried so hard not to go down the competitive tiredness route but I’m just feeling livid today after a 5am start with DD and no appreciation from DH that I might be tired too!!!

OP, he's unreasonable or ill. If he's ill, he needs to go get a blood test to check low levels of iron and b12 to start with.

But either way, he has to stop moaning. Living with someone constantly moaning is just draining and takes the joy out of the world. I suspect he didn't really want the reality of children either, if the complaining started as soon as you left hospital. Quite sad and I hope the child doesn't grow up in this negativity.

Men are usually solution based. Ask him what he thinks the solution is.

You both sound terrible. I’m not sure why he hasn’t helped out more, especially in mornings (I would never get away with not doing at least one morning) but also he sounds like he is exhausted and probably needs to go to the doctor, maybe check out his iron levels or long Covid?

This 100%

He needs to fucking grow up and step up!

Does he really have to do all those evening events? If so suggest he gets a new job with more family friendly hours or talk to work about reducing his hours. I don't have much time for people in jobs that take the piss who moan they are tired but don't do anything to address it.

And yes suggest he goes to get checked by the GP.

You having no lie in in 18 months isn't reasonable. Can't he go to bed early one night ready for getting up with your child the next morning?

You repeatedly stress his very long hours and evening work. What kind of hours are we talking here? How many days a week? Self employed?

what does that actually mean?

He's choosing not to listen.

Jesus, child is 18 months, how does he think mums cope that go back to work and have to do both?
He needs to go to the GP ASAP, and find another job that he can deal with

What has that to do with anything?

how does it play out in practise.

He says yes he will change and then doesn’t?
or
he says “nah I’m not changing”

Talk to him again. Tell him I need you to listen to me properly. I need you to hear me. I need you to really think about what I'm telling you. Then tell him what you've written here.

Understandable he's tired at times but unbelievable that it doesn't cross his mind that you might too and that you're entitled to a lie in once a week. Would be reasonable to both get a lie in at the weekend.

He should recognise that your role is non stop and appreciate what you're doing.

Good luck.

This is excellent thank you . I have a similar situation at home

We did this as an exercise in our NCT lessons many years ago! It was so powerful and we and our friends we made during that time still talk about it.

He will say he’s too tired to read it

What does he expect you to do about it ?
You are both tired. You both need to respect each other are doing their best.

Talk to him. Explain the constant references mean you feel he is criticising you in some way.

He can't change how he honestly feels.

Both things can be true - that you are very tired and that he is very tired.

Regardless of how tired he is, you should roster one night each week for him to be the one waking in the night for the baby. It will ensure he is less ignorant of what you do and it will give you a chance to catch up on sleep.

What is his job? Why is he working such long hours and what events must he attend? Sounds a bit odd to me - are you sure there is not another woman?

I am a SAHM and EBF. Does not stop DH being a parent to our child.

Weekends we each get a lie in if we want. Bedtimes get split but honestly he does a few more as he likes to catch up on time he didn't get to see DD in the day.

DH has a tough job, is a high earner with all the stress he carries from that. Has to work in the US regularly. Having a good job is NOT an excuse to leave all the parenting to the woman.

Your DH needs to up his game, massively.

Not every man is seeing another woman !
There jobs that are just like this. Where at a particular time you have to work all hours.

How has his life actually changed since she was born?

I get up with her every morning even when we were on holiday, I didn’t get 1 lie in as he was soooo exhausted from work.

Why are you enabling him? It's normal for couples to nudge each other in bed and mutter 'your turn'. Why don't you insist that he takes his share of the early mornings at weekends and holiday times?

Ill my arse!

He’s just a lazy, selfish, sack of shit.

He’s got you over a barrel here with the whole “ooh I have such a big, important and exhausting job” and clearly his expectation is that you shoulder the full responsibility and exhaustion of parenting whilst he snivels about how tired he is.

Fuck him I say!

Is he older OP? Or just needs more sleep?

I'm not saying the moaning is ok at all, but it took me ages to realise that my OH just needs a lot more sleep than I do. We’re past the night waking and early starts phase (but they were brutal, I do remember the pain well) and he still takes himself upstairs for a nap every weekend. The difference is he doesn’t spend the whole time moaning about it.

When my male colleagues have children I give them two pieces of advice. Never, ever talk about how tired you are. And never, ever question did the baby wake in the night. Chances are they did and you slept through it! Absolutely rage inducing.

”I’m soooo tired” has worked very nicely for him hasn’t it? It’s got him out of night duties and all sorts of responsibilities for his child. I think the problem is that men like this place no value on the role the OP has so they refuse to entertain the idea that the other parent needs sleep, downtime and a break, wheeling out the trump card of “busy career” to shut down any equality in parenting. It’s not just about division of labour, picking up the lion’s share is fair enough but no one should be doing 100% while the other parent opts out of night shifts altogether. There are many many men and women who have demanding careers and also get up at 2am to settle a child etc, during the working week, definitely at the weekend, more so when on holiday.

The problem with this kind of man is that he will insist the grind and the sleepless nights are all down to OP then criticise OP later for not being the shiny carefree version of herself. What happens if a parent like OP was to be seriously ill or if there is a divorce, forcing care of children on a regular basis?