To be feeling really low about my child's birthday

[Eileen101]

One of my children has a birthday this weekend and I haven't had the money to do a lot for them.

They will obviously have a load of love and I have already sung happy birthday, given loads of cuddles and hopefully made them feel loved. I only have 4 gifts because money is tight at the moment and they're all quite small.
I know they will love the few they have, but their dad brought round a massive bag and I know it'll be expensive things like lego and playmobile and I feel really shit.

He does nothing day to day and swoops in today with a massive bag.

I'm trying to get my finances in order and pay off debt now to make sure they have a solid life and I can give them a good secure basis to launch their own lives. But before then I need to pay off a debt and I have a tight but doable plan to the end of the year. The next feel months will be tight, but I'll be debt free and able to save for me and them. I'd hoped to do it while they're small and for them to not notice, but I think today might be pushing it. 5 feels like a turning point of what they notice.

My UC did go in yesterday but I can't do anything with it because it will go out again on Monday on my bill for wrap around.
I completely misbudgetted this month because I forgot about an annual bill 🙃 so I can't even pop out and pick up another something because there's nothing left this month, minus the top up grocery shop I'll need for the children.

I'm going to make cupcakes and light candles for a birthday tea celebration, it just feels like nothing in comparison.

At just turned 5 your child is unlikely to register who the gifts came from or remember what he got for his birthday when he is older. I genuinely would worry at all. Having lots of expensive toys means very little. Your child will remember the day to day things more than the one hit wonder days.

Cup cakes and presents 🎁 is more then enough. It the thought that counts. It’s my birthday too and I will be making my own cupcakes 🧁☺️

It’s

4 gifts is more than enough! Teach your child that birthdays are not about getting mountains of presents. We buy 1 or 2 things for our kids. They get other gifts from other people.

Don’t be so hard on yourself OP, sounds like a lovely birthday, gifts, love and cupcakes, perfect! You sorting you finances for a better quality of life will benefit your child way more than loads of gifts.
Have a lovely day ❤️

4 gifts is plenty! And you will have cupcakes and happy birthday. Your child will feel your love and that's the most important thing, the novelty of opening gifts is so short and not where the focus will be.

Bless you OP. Your DC is lucky to have you, a thoughtful kind mummy who is doing her absolute best.

The love you show your little one every day is priceless and will play a much bigger role in turning them into a confident well adjusted adult that any gifts ever could

Having fun and laughs together is far more important and memorable than expensive gifts. Especially for a 5 year old. You've got this!
DON'T apologise for 'not giving much'. Let your child open the pressies from you and the dad, and believe me your child won't be totting up prices or comparing.
Frustrating as their dad might be, swooping in with fancy gifts, try your best not to be resentful - just see it as a good opportunity for your child to get some more stuff. Try to show joy at your child opening and playing with those fancy gifts too.
You're the one there giving the love. Have a lovely time x

YABU. Kids dont need huge quantities of presents on their birthday.

A cake, a gift, nice tea and watch something together.

Second hand toys also make great gifts.

I think your ideas sound lovely and your DC will have an excellent day! You can also do loads of fun things for free at home to make it special. Let them stay up late and watch a movie, hot chocolate if you have it, stick some party songs or Danny Go on YouTube and have a dance party, play games like what time is it Mr Wolf or charades, raid their dressing up box and take silly selfies, at a later date get them printed and make a birthday poster/frame etc. Hope you all have a lovely time!

Sounds like youre doing all the right things! Try and show lots of excitement and make the day fun - making cupcakes and tea is lovely!

Can you get out to a park with a friend as my kids are a little older but being with friends is the best thing ever (more so than stuff or expensive days out)?

It’s always better to be sorting out finances rather than spending on unnecessary things and your child not having a stressed parent over the years is much better for them growing up than too many toys.

Op, 4 presents is more than enough. Your child will likely not remember who bought what, especially in years to come. They will remember the abundance of love and care you are giving them and thats worth more than any amount of money. Be kind to yourself.

Just let your child open the gifts from dad and grit through it with the appropriate ohhs and ahhs and. Try and see the positive that your child now has these things. It doesn't mean they won't appreciate what you got them or that it will be their favourite part of the day.

My kids are teens now and dont remember what they got or who got them presents but they do remember the happy/ silly/ fun memories. You are doing a great job OP!

We were really skint when the kids were little, and they genuinely never noticed .
Kids don't need huge piles of presence to feel loved. What they need is it to be made to film that the day is special for them.
That isn't free presents. That is through being sung to. By playing their favourite game in the park. By making them their special tea ( would definitely have been fish fingers and chips in this house).
We used to do a really simple treasure hunt around the house to find the presents. .And this added to the excitement.
You've just reminded me on my son's fifth birthday.We got him a second hand bike and spent flipping ages, saving up for it.
When he found it at the end of the treasure hunt, his little face dropped.And he said, but I can't even ride a bike 😂

4 gifts sounds more than fine.

Spending time together is more important and will be what's remembered than who gives what. Can you decorate some party hats together? Snuggle and watch a birthday film together? I gave my child some of my own old toys that I'd kept for a gift recently. Cost me nothing but warms my heart to see them playing with something I loved so much and they were so happy to have something 'new' that used to be mummy's for their gift.

Whatever you do, do it together with love and warmth.

I clicked the wrong button I'm sorry! We only ever had small parties and I have really good memories. Also agree with a previous poster - your kid will never remember what mum or dad got.

They'll benefit way more from your current plan - being debt free will result in a relaxed, happy mummy.

At 5, being made a fuss over is more cherished by a child than gifts. Making them feel special will be what makes the day special. Please don’t feel bad about this OP. Getting yourself into a better financial position will be better for your child in the longer term.

4 or so gifts and a family tea is standard in our house for a birthday! Not sure why you think that would be lacking. It sounds perfect and lovely! And if my 5YO is anything to go by he has no clue how much things cost so won’t appreciate lego is more expensive than a hot wheels set or whatever. His favourite presents last birthday were a really tiny cheap lego set because he could easily and quickly build it himself and a working mini traffic light that cost about £2 from flying tiger 🤷‍♀️ And of course what they enjoy most is the fuss and attention! Also if you have any then blow up a load of balloons - it always takes the excitement to the next level and gets way more attention than a giant stack of presents.

Awww OP…… totally get it. You are doing your best and you can’t do more than that. You are doing the most important bits, which is spending time with your child and making them feel loved and special. DC1 (who is a young adult) was talking only the other day about specific birthday cakes I had made “Mummy, do you remember that fantastic cake you made for my 8th birthday with all the Smarties on top?”. I have a very good memory but I don’t remember each cake. I was really touched. Baking a cake was usually the last thing I wanted to do at the end of a busy day. It made me so happy to know that DC1 really appreciated it. They never mentioned the very expensive presents they got……

You sound like a wonderful caring mum who is dealing with a lot. From my experience, what makes a day special for a child is not a shedloads of presents but making it fun and with thought given to them eg one year we did a treasure hunt around the house with silly clues, hidden in silly places - no 'big' prize at the end just a bag of sweets but it was a lot of fun (just a bit of a ransacked house to deal with afterwards). Daughter is now 15, she couldn't tell you what gifts she got but she remembers the "mad" treasure hunt.

When I was asking my 6 year old what their favourite birthday present was the answer was their lion balloon. They couldn’t remember any other presents when I tried to probe.

4 gifts is loads, plus the ones they have from their dad it’s more then enough. We’re not on a budget but for my 5 year olds birthday her main gift was her party and she got loads of gifts from her friends who came to that so she only had a few actual gifts from us. I didn’t feel bad about it.

@Eileen101 You are doing an absolutely fantastic job! Honestly!

You are 100% right to stick to your plans of paying off your debt and having a simpler life for now. A 5 year old will be delighted with making cakes, having a dance party (music up louder than normal) and just being silly, freezer dinner, 4 presents is LOADS... at that age they have no understand of size or volume (if you wanted to make it special you could do a treasure hunt for the presents?).

They will love it whatever you do.

You gave them 4 presents and are there everyday.
I am sure whatever and who ever gives them gifts it is a special day.
Give yourself a break.
The great gift giving dad soon becomes not so great when he isnt around or they become aware of that trade off.
I bet your 5yr old.loves you to bits.

I agree with everyone else.

I don't get too many gifts for my DC, and most of them are secondhand. They get gifts from other people and don't need a mountain of stuff. They mostly can't remember who gave what, and often can't even remember what they got by the following week.

My 5yo DC most enjoyed having a few friends over for a small party and playing hide and seek. And eating cake.

Completely ridiculous. Children do not need a lot of presents or money. They need time and fun. Thankfully those things are cheap or free.
Take them to their favourite park wearing their favourite clothes/dressing-up, with a picnic. Make the picnic interesting- crazy shaped sandwiches etc, but no need to buy extra. Do buy them an ice cream if you can, take a candle to stick in the top for fun. (Pretend the fire!!)
Fun can be made for free, and 100% that’s what they’ll remember.

Dad buys them a bunch of LEGO, fab! YOU take the time to help them build it. That’s what they’ll remember. Time and conversation.