To be feeling really low about my child's birthday

[Eileen101]

One of my children has a birthday this weekend and I haven't had the money to do a lot for them.

They will obviously have a load of love and I have already sung happy birthday, given loads of cuddles and hopefully made them feel loved. I only have 4 gifts because money is tight at the moment and they're all quite small.
I know they will love the few they have, but their dad brought round a massive bag and I know it'll be expensive things like lego and playmobile and I feel really shit.

He does nothing day to day and swoops in today with a massive bag.

I'm trying to get my finances in order and pay off debt now to make sure they have a solid life and I can give them a good secure basis to launch their own lives. But before then I need to pay off a debt and I have a tight but doable plan to the end of the year. The next feel months will be tight, but I'll be debt free and able to save for me and them. I'd hoped to do it while they're small and for them to not notice, but I think today might be pushing it. 5 feels like a turning point of what they notice.

My UC did go in yesterday but I can't do anything with it because it will go out again on Monday on my bill for wrap around.
I completely misbudgetted this month because I forgot about an annual bill 🙃 so I can't even pop out and pick up another something because there's nothing left this month, minus the top up grocery shop I'll need for the children.

I'm going to make cupcakes and light candles for a birthday tea celebration, it just feels like nothing in comparison.

You've obviously got a 'Disney dad' there OP. Splashes the cash for special occasions but isn't there caring for his children every day like you do. You sound like a great mum who is doing her best in difficult financial circumstances. At age 5, your child won't care who the presents are from. They will care that they have a loving mum who bakes them cup cakes and is warm and affectionate.

Hey, you’re doing a great job! Don’t be so hard on yourself! ❤️

It sound like your child will have a really nice birthday and I’m sure they’ll love the presents you got them. I don’t think it’s good to get piles of presents anyway, they will remember you’ve made lots of effort. Being debt free is far more important than buying loads of presents they will forget about. You could always have a nice day out if it’s budgeted in at some point

We do balloons, cake and I make banners to put all over the kitchen where I draw his favourite cartoon/ game characters on with speech bubbles making a joke about getting to his party! We then play a board game. That’s literally all any kid needs, time spent (Ps his favourite cake is an eight euro cake from Tesco!!)

He will always remember your presence, not the presents. Don't beat yourself up. It's the little things. When my son was 5 what he really loved was cardboard boxes. Have you got some big empty boxes? They're great for painting and turning into robots, planes, put them together to make a fort, a castle, a den, a boat. Get the tape out and ask him what he wants to make. That's what we used to do.

Set up a shop. Get him to sell you your cans of soup, chopped tomatoes. You can make play money and make a till from a box.

Have games where he has tp jump across the lounge, so that the sofa is home.

Just have a fun day together. He'll be happy having all your attention. Best wishes. X

I would reframe it and be grateful your ex bought your kid some expensive presents. See it as you are doing the love and making it special, he is contributing by getting some things you can't afford at the moment. It's a team effort and your child will have an amazing birthday with gifts, cake and love.

Your child is lucky to have you and will have a great birthday. Be happy that your ex bothered to get him some toys that he will enjoy, some kids' dads buy them fuck all (I know he is being a Disney dad and it's annoying, but just try and enjoy it for what it is, i.e. your kid getting a few expensive presents for their birthday that you don't have to buy!)

Let dad swoop in with big presents

sounds like you will get to play with it all once he swoops out which is the fun bit

it means your child does get bigger presents and has your love as well bigger presents dad pays for at least he does that

don’t let it bother you @Eileen101

have a great day thank ex for his gifts give him some cake and don’t feel like you are not as worthy

I used to get one small present - the one I especially remember is roller skates when I was 10 - and a card from my parents. Competitive gift giving is a modern trend that leads a lot of people into debt.

@Eileen101I always found that a few gifts worked much better for my children, loads of gifts can be completely overwhelming. Even if I was incredibly rich, I would choose to do exactly what you have done. Less is more for toys/young children. You can create a lovely atmosphere this weekend, all the great birthday songs you can pull up on your phone and play on a loop, the cake making, hopefully some sun shine!

There’s loads you can do that will be remembered and feel special, that presents don’t do.

make a birthday crown out of cereal box cardboard, bits of silver foil and anything you can find.

make a birthday tea and eat it on a blanket on the sitting room floor. Serve it in the back of one of their toy trucks or use their plastic tea set.

watch a movie under a duvet. Make a den from a sheet over chairs and watch it under that lying on loads of pillows.

I plonked mine in the bath fully clothed, they thought that was hilarious and remember it as adults.

dress up together and dance to all the music they like.

Kids don’t know the financial value of things. He will remember all the ways you made him special just as much- probably more than gifts.
Have a lovely day with him!