To think it’s probably just as hard to end the marriage as to stay in it

[itsahappybirthday]

I’ve had the most awful morning and I really am wondering (again) about calling time on my marriage. But when I think about it with a cool head I’m not sure it’s actually any better.

To clarify my problem is a lazy DH rather than one who is abusive or cruel, but he makes my life so exhausting and difficult through being lazy and obtuse. I don’t enjoy time with him and I know it’s cliched but I’m resentful and cross all the time.

But honestly … we have little children. The thought of

selling the house
moving school / nursery
then in full time childcare / wraparound care (I know a lot of children do)
me still wrung out and burned out
him having them part of the week

It just makes me feel in many ways it’s a devil and the deep blue sea sort of situation.

Either way I can’t do anything straightaway so please don’t demand to know by page 4 why I haven’t ltb; I just genuinely think it might be easier to stay, at least for now.

I would try and wait until the kids are older. I say that as a single mother with 2 young dc (xh is hands on too) and it’s still hard.

I normally go to bed shortly after the dc and still exhausted. He can’t be forced to actually have the kids and if he’s a lazy sod, he most likely won’t.

I often regret my divorce and life was much easier before.

I would rather have slightly less time with the kids but for it to be happy quality time without the fun sponge hanging about like a bad smell quite frankly. I think you'll also feel less exhausted without him there by the sounds of it.

Are finances a concern or is that part okay?

The selling the house/changing school is short term pain I agree. But is it worth one tough year for fifteen years of happier childhood for your kids, and you? Also don't underestimate the emotional damage to them of growing up believing parents who don't get on is what they should aim for in a marriage themselves.

I really appreciate the honesty.

We do get on on the face of things but I do think there’s a lot of resentment on both sides and I feel like he’s becoming quite an unpleasant person. Maybe the same is true of me.

It doesn’t matter when you decide to end it, it will be hard for a while.
however, in own experience and the anecdotal experience of my friends, yes, it’s then much much better, if the reasons for your unhappiness are what you say they are.

so, I would always urge anyone unhappy in a relationship to get out. Yes, initially - it’s hellish. But if you know at some point you are going to leave, do it now and enjoy the good side sooner rather than later. It might be awful - but you are making progress towards the life you want, rather than stagnating and being resentful in the life you are living in.

I’d be equally lazy and obtuse, making sure it affected him, until he effected a change. I know this is cynical but direct nagging won’t work. A taste of his own medicine/hold the mirror up to him approach.

I think there are many women in this situation, where their DH is very hard to live with but it’s not so bad that you feel you need to leave immediately. Often the issues were always there, but children bring them sharply into focus suddenly you have to run a tight ship or nothing gets done. One person (mummy) ends up carrying the mental load of cleaning, tidying, organising, planning and even trying to keep the spark alive. It is so draining.

The obvious questions are:
In what way is he lazy?
Have you spoken to him clearly about it?
What is he like as a father?

I also think a lot depends on the atmosphere between you now. Are you basically rubbing along alright day to day, even if you’re frustrated, or is the resentment really seething underneath? Children absolutely pick up on tension and animosity, even when parents think they’re hiding it well.

it is obviously easier to stay if you can. But only you can really know whether things could improve with honest conversations and change.

And yes, it’s almost always easier to stay, it’s just not happier.

Good relationships are based on skills

What have you done specifically to improve your relationship skills?

Watch John Gottman on Making Marriage Work.

Getting divorced is expensive, stressful and exhausting.
Raising small kids is stressful and exhausting and puts strain on any marriage.

So what has he said when you’ve addressed his laziness with him? Because if you’re not being supported by when you ask for it and it’s making you’re life miserable then he IS cruel.

I’ll take easy I think 😂 happy is impossible I’d say.

@Edorhughwhoknew that would only affect me and the children, not him.

I’ve spoken to him about it; he gets whiny and petulant and makes excuses that are very hard to argue with. So I get nowhere in other words. I don’t bother now as all that happens is there’s a bad atmosphere for a while and that will affect the children I think.

Can you see a way back, OP- is there any chance he'd improve and your marriage would recver?

It’s awful both ways - staying is the boiling frog, leaving is like ripping your throat out. But my marriage was abusive, so my divorce was very hard as my ex was mean, spiteful and vindictive. But the law is now fairer on women than it used to be.

But now I’m free and it was all worth it. So absolutely worth it!

I don’t think you can ever come back from this level of resentment. My advice, know that as soon as life gets easier and the children are older - you will leave. So make everything you do from this day forth lead you one day to be able to leave.

Get your support network, sort the money, know the facts and a million other things. Do it surely and slowly. Then when it happens, you will be halfway there and it won’t seem so intimidating.

Dont think you can endure. I thought I could, until I couldn’t. But I had made no plans and had allowed myself become isolated and distanced from all the financial decisions.

My adult child is now my biggest support and cheerleader.

I couldn’t disagree more with this. I have never met anyone yet whose life is worse after divorcing a lazy, shit man.

And I think the earlier the divorce, the better. Splitting when they are small will be far easier than waiting until they are teenagers and the impact on them will be more the older they are.

I separated from my husband when DD was four and it was difficult but I am now in a far better place than I was when we were together.

It's very hard to leave a marriage. It takes strength and courage. Staying requires patience, resilience and fortitude.
I think you'll know when it's bad enough that you absolutely have to leave. I don't think you're quite there if you're still weighing things up.
From my own experience, bringing up children alone was hard. I was lonely, depressed and poor for years. Do I regret it? Not for a second. It was far better than the alternative. And my now adult children feel they had a good childhood and we're very close.

I left when my children were 2 and 5 and it was extremely difficult. I had no family support and no friend who were able to help out. If I could do it all again, I'd wait until they were both in school.

We separated from a similar relationship when DD was 6, did the progressive 50:50 shared parenting. Now at 17 DD has lots of emotional issues, self harms, eating disorder, won’t feel her feelings, all of this has roots in early childhood so I can’t help but feel separation at such a young age wasn’t worth it. And the fact I was primary carer and suddenly she was with me much less. I think being over 7/8 at least could have been better. Yes we can never know. One counsellor said that whether we separated or stayed together we would have to work on ourselves individually to deal with our own issues, I found that to be true.

Very difficult having young children and being in that situation. I think you’re right often there is pros and cons for both staying together and leaving. You have to weigh up what works for you. For me the resentment actually made me ill and that’s a real thing! So do think about your health also. And yes the children will pick up on it. I do more parenting than my ex for sure but my home is much calmer atmosphere and I no longer get worked up or resentful about household stuff because he isn’t here making my life more difficult! But yes like others say may be easier when your children are slightly older but think about your health also in the meantime

Whiny and petulant? How limp, selfish and calculating of him. If you decide to stay, can you specify some situations so we can suggest strategies for you?

Have you tried laying it on the line? Say you are not happy with how things are and you cannot see how the marriage can last under the current conditions. How would he feel about splitting up? How would he see child care being organised? What might the financial implications be?

If you present him with these very real options and the awareness that all this is in your mind, might he feel able to cooperate with marriage counselling?

I don't think you're being unreasonable to question this. You're working, you've got young kids, time and money are probably tighter than they were previously. It is the hard yards, as my mum says.
Things will likely get easier as the kids get older, but don't dismiss your feelings. Early motherhood is a time of such intense personal growth and if you've outgrown your partner, then you don't have to stay forever.
Give yourself time and grace, make a plan of how you'd manage without him and see how feasible it is financially (because for most of us, finances are the real kicker) and take your time.

I think in your situation, as he’s not abusive, I would make plans for the future. Just knowing that you will leave when the time is right will be some light relief for you. I would make notes in my phone about all the things I need to do, money to put aside, etc for the future. I knew someone once who, on the outside I assumed was happily married, but she told me one day she was ‘squirrelling’ money away to leave her H in the future (two young kids) and was retraining for a better future career for when that time came. I haven’t seen her since but I know they did end up getting divorced.

You’re not wrong.

I haven’t been “happy” in my marriage for about 15 years. But he’s not bad enough that I think it’s worth the upheaval of a divorce, even though our kids have grown up.

We rub along fine as housemates, there’s just no intimacy and quite a lot of resentment has built up over the years. If you asked him he would say we are fine, because he doesn’t think that deeply about stuff (I wish I didn’t)

Absolutely this. I am so much happier now. Honestly it's easier just doing everything myself as opposed to doing everything myself anyway AND having to pick up after a man child who would promise help and then not actually follow through with it.

selling the house
moving school / nursery
then in full time childcare / wraparound care (I know a lot of children do)
me still wrung out and burned out
him having them part of the week

You can avoid the first three by staying put.
Solve the last two by giving yourself time elsewhere. Chunks of time. Ditch any guilt. The whiner will have to step up and might learn to appreciate you.

Either way I can’t do anything straightaway.

You need a coping strategy now.