To think it’s probably just as hard to end the marriage as to stay in it

[itsahappybirthday]

I’ve had the most awful morning and I really am wondering (again) about calling time on my marriage. But when I think about it with a cool head I’m not sure it’s actually any better.

To clarify my problem is a lazy DH rather than one who is abusive or cruel, but he makes my life so exhausting and difficult through being lazy and obtuse. I don’t enjoy time with him and I know it’s cliched but I’m resentful and cross all the time.

But honestly … we have little children. The thought of

selling the house
moving school / nursery
then in full time childcare / wraparound care (I know a lot of children do)
me still wrung out and burned out
him having them part of the week

It just makes me feel in many ways it’s a devil and the deep blue sea sort of situation.

Either way I can’t do anything straightaway so please don’t demand to know by page 4 why I haven’t ltb; I just genuinely think it might be easier to stay, at least for now.

Being a single mother is so much better than being angry and resentful all the time! Living in a tiny flat where I'm not being treated with disrespect is amazing. Feeling resentful all the time and living with someone who doesn't like you eats up your soul. In my case, I had to decide between a bad choice (leaving with no job and no money) and a terrible one (staying). BUT it took me years to be ready for that. You have to do it when YOU are ready because no one will save you on the other side.

I really sympathise with you and was wrapped up in a similar dilemma for many years myself. My children were older, so I appreciate it's different, but I did leave and do feel it was the right decision. Tbh I wish I'd ended it sooner, when they were younger.

In many ways my life was easier before I left, except that it was also extremely stressful and frustrating. Things are tough financially for me now, and also I live with extra stressors that were not predictable. My ex is easier to deal with as an ex than he was as a cohabiting partner, and I sometimes tend to forget how infuriating things were on a daily basis. However, what I do feel, for sure, is that leaving was better for the kids. Our set up was really quite dysfunctional, more than I really appreciated when I was in it, and its tentacles spread into our respective and joint relationships with our children themselves.

What tipped the balance for me was something one of my children said to me about the joint dynamics of how we reacted to his (DS's) probems/issues, because it made me realise it was always me who did the heavy lifting as a parent, and DP kind of tagged along, hiding behind me. I'm not saying my parenting was always right (far from it, I'm sure) but DP was parenting by proxy, out of laziness and a desire to be the 'nice guy' and the kids did feel the impact of that. Since we split, he's been forced to do his own parenting and the kids have a more authentic relationship with each of us, which has been much healthier. Your situation may be entirely different, but if mine has any resonance at all then I hope it helps you in your dilemma. x

I just think when it’s time you know.

I’m going through a divorce now. 20 years married 25 together. I’ve never really been happy with him, I always knew it had to end.

At least after you go through all the hard work selling the house etc you can build the life you want for the rest of your days