To be irritated and think f*** it

[Anxiousbettytoday]

Morning,

Welcome any views in case I am being unfair

Context is that my elderly mother suffers from anxiety, my brother lives with her in her home and has done for the last few years since his marriage broke down.

He asked me to come and stay for the last bank holiday weekend just gone so he could go out as my mother is suffering badly from anxiety and doesn't like being on her own, she doesn't want to take meds and is not keen on therapy so limited what options GP can suggest.

I've got my own health issues at the monnet but am keeping them quiet so as not to cause her any more anxiety . This might be making me a bit twitchy

Spent weekend there with her, bought food for us all and cooked , context is that she doesn't est much and thinks I suspect my brother and I eat too much! . So I know from past experience that there will be limited food there and I don't want to eat takeaways like my brother normally would.

So after 4 days of me cleaning and cooking, the only thing my mother seems fixated on is that it stresses her that I bring too much food and she finds it gives her anxiety

I'm just irritated beyond words, food was eaten, I cooked, and it wasn't mountains , just enough for 3 adults for 4 days

Am I being too harsh ?

It’s definitely a generational thing - my mum and MIL fly into a panic if they are given more than a tiny morsel on their plates (though they often wolf it down and get seconds!). They also panic about food wastage at restaurants or the idea of leaving anything on your plate. It’s exhausting but I imagine due to being brought up by the postwar generation.

She is in her 80s and ill, please try and find a little patience for her. It is also time to call in the experts, the current situation cannot continue. Do you or your brother have both health and financial POA. of not you urgently have to put it in place before speaking to any medics. If you don't have it then dealing with medics etc is going to be difficult.

The calories in alcohol can also suppress appetite as well as nausea from a daily hangover…

I have empathy for an 80yr lady with an illness. I don't have to empathise with someone I don't agree with...

I'm not angry. I have an opinion.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable for you to be irritated, that would annoy me also. I would crack on take the food you need for the next time you are there. I actually find it selfish the impact of her not seeking help for her anxiety and projecting it into you and your brother…

You can disagree with someone without putting the blame on them for their mums mental health by suggesting the problem is that she’s not got her support, despite that being beyond OPs control. And the suggesting she doesn’t bother with her mum despite that being information you don’t know either way. And then suggesting she just shouldn’t take food with her ws if that’s the problem and it wouldn’t just be something else that her mum got anxious about, since that’s the nature of anxiety.

OP- what would happen if your brother went out and you didn't go and stay with her? Or if your brother moved out?

She is clearly suffering from anxiety and isn't behaving rationally but unless she is sectioned is free to decide whether she will engage with any form of treatment. However, if she expects you and/or your brother to be with her at all times because of her untreated anxiety this is not fair, even without the issue about food.

I've been in a similar situation with my elderly mum who did not wish to seek any professional help but expected me to be available 24/7 (including phone calls throughout the night and/or claims to have 'fallen' -with no evidence of even the slightest bruising or injury etc- if she was left alone for one day). We had to have some difficult conversations and in the end I had to step away slightly before she would accept that seeking treatment although difficult for her was not as bad as just living with her anxiety. I know it's really difficult but in her case I felt that being there all the time was enabling her to pretend to herself that she was OK. In DM's case, I think the anxiety was an early sign of cognitive decline and it's only by accepting that she needs help that she's been able to start the process of a proper assessment.

Your brother's situation makes it harder- if he can't afford to move out he's not really in a position to dictate terms re food/helping her etc.

Do you know how opinions work? I decide what mine is... you don't get to dictate what MY opinion should be?

I have learned that when someone suffers with anxiety, normal rules don’t apply. It sounds as though your mum suffers from disordered eating which is either driven by, or a manifestation of her severe anxiety. She’s in her eighties and she won’t change now, so honestly try to work around her and not take things too personally. My 13yo has OCD and general anxiety (all inherited from me, as it happens) and it can be very hurtful when he blurts out something that I’m doing ‘wrong’. I have snapped back on the odd occasion because I’m only human and sometimes I feel like the person I am is buried beneath all my son’s fears and rituals. But mostly I try to remind myself that when he got to the point of barking out his frustration, inside his head there was a long, long build up of fear and anger and anxiety, which finally exploded out because it had to go somewhere. It is so so hard. I feel incredibly sorry for your situation. Your poor brother must be suffering terribly.

Alcohol removes inhibitions and often leads to eating more. She also won’t have a hangover if it’s really a couple of glasses of wine.

I disagree with this and I would go further and say it's harmful and unkind to allow a person to negatively control situations, no matter what their age. My sister has undiagnosed ASD and I suspect a personality disorder. My parents never challenged her behaviour - which was horrendous - as a child, not due to love but due to cowardice and laziness. The upshot was neither I nor my other sister speak to her - in fact, we can't bear to be in the same room as her. She has never learned how to engage with people. She is entitled, rude, controlling and mean. She has at times complained about how she struggles with relationships and it boggles me how she can't see that it's her own behaviour that causes problems. IMO my parents let her down terribly by not challenging her and not teaching her better ways to behave.

Probably going to go against the grain here but sounds a lot like my mother who is very controlling and uses her anxiety to control everyone (particularly my Dad). Everything has to be done according to her wishes otherwise it ‘makes her anxious’. My Dad spends his whole life not upsetting Mum and getting us to do the same. I know if he goes first (which is likely) we’ll have the whole ‘I don’t want to be on my own’ thing but she’ll have to deal with it. She has no friends because she’s difficult and unpleasant to be around. We’ve tried to encourage her to go to groups so she gets to meet people but she won’t because ‘it’s just full of old women moaning’ despite the fact she’s 85 and and gold medal moaner herself.

I would have some sympathy expect like the OPs mother she refuses to do anything to help her situation. She won’t have therapy or take any sort of medication so it’s left to everyone else to deal with the fallout which I refuse to do. If she won’t take any steps to deal with her issues then I’m certainly not pandering to her and she needs to live with the choices she’s made. Harsh but true.

Your situation sounds very difficult. My child, however, has a severe mental health condition. It is not his fault, in the same way that having cancer isn’t someone’s fault. So I cut him a bit of slack. I have pointed out that he shouldn’t take his frustration out on me and that I find it hurtful at times. He is a lovely, sensitive boy, struggling with an illness that is much bigger than him. I also have a son with ASD and ADHD, which obviously is not his fault either. We have had our problems with him and, at 17, he is now better at self regulation. But we did make adjustments for him to make all our lives better. You can view that as allowing someone to control things or you can view it as showing understanding and compassion. I certainly wasn’t suggesting indulging anyone, but more working with what you’ve got. I don’t know the OP’s mother obviously, but I can almost guarantee that, in her eighties, there’s little chance that any long standing mental health problems will be magically resolved. So, if the OP wants to continue to help take care of her mum, it might be in her best interests to be flexible. There’s nothing wrong with telling someone they have hurt your feelings, but I think that small adjustments for future occasions to avoid conflict are going to be better for everyone. Alternatively, I suppose she can step back and leave her poor brother to it.

I'd be interested to know how the OP's mum had been managing before the brother moved in with her, and what the brother's take on the situation is. Is he willing to live in this way for the rest of his mum's life, or is he also wanting to get on with his own life but worried about how his mum will cope?

When I was in a similar situation, my brother had his own reasons for not really wanting to push for change (financial plus an excuse to side step normal responsibilities and sit around watching TV whilst being applauded for being such a caring son). In some ways this was up to them but whenever he wanted to go out, or when his partner got fed up of doing all the parenting of their child, he expected me to come running. I don't think it was fair on mum to encourage her to refuse proper help and be dependent on him, or fair to expect me to prop up their co-dependency.

Op she’s a controlling alcoholic. No wonder she has “anxiety”, she’s got you both wrapped round her little finger. Time to be cruel to be kind.

There's a huge middle ground between taking food so you didn't have to eat takeaways and cooking a Roast Dinner.

Are you sure you didn't create this situation, knowing her issues, deliberately?

I totally agree with this post, especially when the whole point of op staying was to relieve her brother of any stress. I can totally understand op’s upset but at least she is not living there permanently! To make adjustments for a short period of time is irritating but pragmatic.

Thanks for the responses , I will suck it up and try and ignore for my brothers sake.
Not sure yet if that means brother and I eat out or we just order in, but in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter too much.