To be irritated and think f*** it

[Anxiousbettytoday]

Morning,

Welcome any views in case I am being unfair

Context is that my elderly mother suffers from anxiety, my brother lives with her in her home and has done for the last few years since his marriage broke down.

He asked me to come and stay for the last bank holiday weekend just gone so he could go out as my mother is suffering badly from anxiety and doesn't like being on her own, she doesn't want to take meds and is not keen on therapy so limited what options GP can suggest.

I've got my own health issues at the monnet but am keeping them quiet so as not to cause her any more anxiety . This might be making me a bit twitchy

Spent weekend there with her, bought food for us all and cooked , context is that she doesn't est much and thinks I suspect my brother and I eat too much! . So I know from past experience that there will be limited food there and I don't want to eat takeaways like my brother normally would.

So after 4 days of me cleaning and cooking, the only thing my mother seems fixated on is that it stresses her that I bring too much food and she finds it gives her anxiety

I'm just irritated beyond words, food was eaten, I cooked, and it wasn't mountains , just enough for 3 adults for 4 days

Am I being too harsh ?

A couple of glasses of wine in the evening... every evening?

You are not being a cow - anxiety is shit for everyone involved (I have anxiety myself, and anxious relatives). Try not to take your irritation out on her, but don't blame yourself for being irritated either.

Ah I was only talking to my counsellor yesterday about how much my DM irritates me. She is also early 80s. About 5 years ago, I begged her for about a year to get counselling. She wouldn’t. Trouble is, that generation just does not believe in mental health problems. Anyway, she spent a year crying down the phone to me and so I ended up ill. I think if I was in that position again, I would force the counselling issue a lot more. Lose my temper if necessary.

OP, it’s hard. You have my sympathies.

I don't think it's helpful to pander to it. Her anxiety is her own, and saying what you eat causes her anxiety is controlling. You may just have to calmly push back and say 'when I come to stay brother and I will be eating food three times a day. I know this spikes your anxiety, so how should we handle this? Will it help for me and brother to eat in the kitchen and you stay in the living room?' Whatever you decide, don't alloe the options for either not eating, reducing eating or eating outside, as those are unreasonable accomodations for her anxiety if she also wants your company. There has to be compromise.

I agree a call to adult services would be in order. It doesn’t sound as if she’s coping with life. She’s suffering from mental illness, has an eating disorder and is probably an alcoholic. You and your brother sound slightly in denial about it.

Her response to you preparing food is irrational and annoying but I don’t know what you expected, given this background.

For now I think you should suck it up and ignore it but have a word with your brother about getting some support.

It really isn't anxiety. It is control.

I sympathise - when I was home with my mother (mid 80's then), she was clearly judging - even more than usual - how much I ate compared to her, and 'gently' pointing it out and attempting to 'guide' me to eat more her way.

Pointing out that I'm in a rather different place, being thirty years younger, and doing all the deep cleaning, gardening, shopping, etc, etc didn't make a jot of difference.

All I found I could do is ignore it, and do as I was gonna do. Your mother is getting an awful lot of accommodation for her anxiety - you could give her the choice - I come and cook and eat as I wish and you keep your opinions to yourself, or I don't come if that is going to cause you more anxiety than it's worth. Your choice.

This is ridiculous. Your brother has to eat a takeaway in the car so it doesn't 'trigger' her that he is eating food. You aren't allowed to eat in front of her without her crying and criticising. But one of you has to be there because she is so anxious she can't be alone - and yet will not take help in the form of medication or have therapy. Instead she makes everyone's life a misery.

She is controlling you both with her anxiety and moods. It's up to you whether you put up with it. I wouldn't.

Oh my sincere apologies. I wasn't aware you were an armchair therapist out here diagnosing people.

Apology accepted.

Anxiety is just life. People who are controlling use it as an excuse to control other people. The clue is in the way the mother uses 'totally normal things' to be anxious about.

my mum can fixate on things, anxiety drive, I say well what’s your suggestion.

in your case I would suggest a meal out if she doesn’t want you to cook?

Where did you get your armchair degree?
I'd love to get one

But equally, the OP isn’t obliged to restrict her own normal food intake in order not to trigger her mother’s anxiety. If she comes to stay in order to facilitate her brother having a social life, she needs to eat. Ultimately, her mother needs to choose between anxiety caused by witnessing the consumption of a normal food intake or anxiety caused by solitude. She can’t have neither.

A university in the United Kingdom. I got all 4 of my degrees in the UK.

Or the OP could actually get her mother some help... instead of relying on her brother to be the sole caretaker and pretending her mother is not an alcoholic.

There's a lot more to this story.

Lots of people saying she is ill etc

however the ops mother is choosing not to get help. There are options out there to help her and I would be frustrated as well

Op just carry in taking the food and just keep telling her you have to eat, it’s a normal amount and if she’s not happy about it to go and sit elsewhere whilst you eat

Harsh as it maybe I have no sympathy for people who won’t get help that’s out there to give them a better quality of life

Food and my mother caused me anxiety! She is in a care home now and wolfs down whatever is put in front of her, after 80 years of commenting on every bite that everyone took.
I could have cheerfully throttled her and done life for it, no bother in the last few years.
No solution OP other than all things pass

She's 80... often people of that age are not the most rational about needing help

She’s in her 80s, she’s an alcoholic with awful mental health. I would focus on accepting that you’re unlikely to change any of that at this stage in life. You need to eat and your brother needs respite so yes, I think taking the fuck it attitude is the right one as the only other option is not visiting at all and that’s not fair on your brother. If it wasn’t this it’d be something else so try and be patient and ignore the comments

Honestly cannot stand sanctimonious posts like this. What help do you think OP can get her mum when she doesn’t want it? GP? Won’t see her without consent. Medication? Won’t be prescribed with out consent. Rehab? Won’t accept someone without consent. Sectioned? Not unwell enough. People in their 80s are not children who can be controlled and told what to do, they are adults who can tell you to feck off

And for the 2 fucking days that the OP bothers with her own mother maybe she could just suck it up then and stop complaining.

By doing what? Physically bundling a resisting eighty year old who has capacity into the car to the GP?

That's exactly what I said isn't it.

Surely the OP could just listen to her elderly mothers fears? If having less food in the fridge at a given time will cause her less stress an anxiety, why is that so difficult?

At this point in my life, my approach is that I am on board with helping the people I love with whatever issues they have, but I will not accept them taking their issues out on me, no matter how unwell they are. I will completely overlook the odd outburst, a bad mood etc but I will not tolerate sustained attacks or a refusal to deal with bad situations.

In your shoes, I would go to your mother and say 'I'm so sorry about your anxiety, it's really tough and I can see it's very hard on you. There are tonnes of things you can do to make it better and I'll support you to do any of those things. You don't want to be alone - I get that - so I'm staying with you to help with that. However, if you scream and cry at me about food, I'll go home. You cannot treat people that way and you need help to deal with that behaviour. To be clear, you can be anxious about me eating, that's fine, you just can't subject me to a barrage of emotion because of it. If you go to another part of the house and cry there, I'm fine with that. Once you're done crying, you can come back and we can talk about how we avoid this happening in the future.'

I have found this approach to be very effective.

I have no tolerance whatsoever for people throwing their problems at others. Can you tell I have a difficult family??

You don’t know this woman or her mum? Why are you so angry ‘two days she bothers with her mum’ you have no idea what she does or doesn’t do for her mum. Or what else she has going on. She said she’s got her own health issues she’s having to hide already. Honestly, you should work on your empathy