Relationship OCD

[user2466]

Hi,

Ive been with my partner for five years and we have a daughter together.

I suffer from OCD in general (intrusive thoughts) but have in particular suffered with relationship OCD during the course of my relationship.

My partner says he’s at his wits end, whilst I appreciate it’s not something pleasant there are things in our relationship he does that I’ve learnt are his trauma/ADHD and autism etc. What I’m getting at is no one is perfect surely, so shouldn’t you commit to supporting someone?

He doesn’t know it’s a form of OCD but after a lot of research I’d say I suffer from relationship OCD (as well as other OCD which has been diagnosed).

Apart from this aspect, we get on well. We have a daughter together and have a lot in common and bounce off of each other well. He says no one gets him like I do and to a large extent I feel that way about him too.

But he’s saying he’s tired of the above (mainly worried he’ll cheat on me and obsessing over it) and asking him if he loves someone else like an ex or something.

I am awaiting professional help for my OCD but I just feel as though I’ve stuck around whilst he suffers with his own demons and it feels unfair that he’s at his wits end? I wouldn’t force anyone to stay with me and he says he wants to stay with me but can’t deal with the above.

Any thoughts? I’m not saying it’s acceptable for someone else to have to reassure you to that extent but I do believe no one is perfect and there are things about him I have to accept too

Bump

It doesn’t sound like relationship OCD just sounds like you don’t trust him. No offence but if my husband accused me of cheating & obsessing over it I would be out the door and never looking back.
What a miserable existence that must be.

@Joubert1 I don’t trust anyone. I know it sounds crazy but I don’t. My mum has (and still does) cheat on my dad and in general I just feel like you never truly know anyone.

I’ve had counselling in the past, but it comes back in waves. It never fully goes away, just turn the volume down at times better than other times.

He hasn’t done anything for me to think he’d cheat or anything like that, he told a small white lie in our talking stages but came clean. But I had these feelings even before that.

I think there's a difference between no one is perfect and someone's mental illness significantly impacting the relationship. Which doesn't mean he shouldn't support you but he's trying to communicate that he's really struggling. If there is a way to explore different treatment options for you that might be quicker I'd do that.

It sounds like you both have a lot going on that affects the other negatively. Perhaps a clean break would enable you to work on your issues freely?

You think it’s unfair that he’s at his wits end? You think he’s choosing to be at his wits end and he should stop it, and pull himself together?

Do you think your ocd is real, and his wits end isnt real?

@SpiceGirlsNeedAComeBack I used to think this but it isn’t just not trusting him. It’s obsessing over him cheating, obsessing over his past, it’s a thought, I obsess over it then soothe and reassure myself and then it starts again, like I said I’ve turned the volume down at times and it’s manageable I keep the thoughts in my head but other times it isn’t that easy. It’s the obsessing then soothing then feeling temp relief and then starting the cycle again that’s it into the OCD territory

If you don't trust him... then it's not 'relationship OCD' and absolutely not even remotely comparable to Autism...

You just don't trust him

If that’s the case then you need to be single. It’s not fair to expect somebody else to enable or manage your health issues. He is telling you he can’t cope with it anymore and you need to respect that.

No. I’m not saying he should accept it, I’m saying that his ADHD and autism also really impact him (he shuts down, isn’t great with time or money management etc) and instead of giving ultimatums I work with him on that

@SethBrogan but then when I say maybe we shouldn’t be together then he says ‘no I want to be with you but I just want you to change’ but it’s not that easy :/ if it was I wouldn’t be writing this post

If you have a diagnosis of OCD and you feel your " theme" has moved on to ROCD then you're doing the right thing seeking treatment. There's lots more help and information out there these days.
Is your partner informed of this disorder? Because just looking at the answers of PP above you can see how absolutely ignorant people are about OCD. People still think it's about germs and washing your hands, it's so much more.
Maybe this is your partner's problem, he just doesn't know enough about it to understand and support you.

Wishing you good luck OP 💐 I hope therapy helps you and I hope your partner steps up.

Why are you obsessing over his past when it had nothing to do with you, there is nothing that can be changed about it. Like literally it’s pointless thinking about it. Also pointless projecting, it’s not real,
it’s on the future and hasn’t happened

Then don’t say “maybe” and follow through with ending the relationship?

@Mistymaglets thank you so much for your response. Years ago I thought ocd was just germs and cleaning too but after I had my daughter and struggled with my MH I realised it’s not. I had intrusive thoughts that she had cancer/a tumour. I had irrational thoughts that there would be a fire upstairs whilst she naps and I wouldn’t be able to get to her. I had this as a child too, my dad has had multiple health conditions and I would spend hours googling about cancer and worried that it is that. I’d convince myself he has cancer then I’d spend hours trying to reassure myself.

It has moved more into relationship territory. Been on and off for a few years but worsened again after having our baby.

He’s not aware of it, again he thinks OCD is more around germs and cleaning, I do want to have a conversation with him about how I feel but I don’t know if he’d understand because there’s a lot of ignorance around this topic

@Joubert1 I have seeked help for it.. there’s a waiting list for support. I was told to have CBT

I have Pure O OCD. I sort of understand the OP. It's a horrible condition and blows things out of proportion!

Therapy does help but you need the right counsellor. Meds too.

How old are you? (Sorry if I've missed this!) I know it's not really relevant but I did find mine was worse in my late 20s and as you get older you gain some useful insights about life in general.

Can you pay for therapy? Where I live it's £60-80 an hour but very much worth it!

@BeltaneRose I’m 29. I think people don’t understand unless them or their loved ones have experienced it. I posted knowing I’d get ripped to shreds by certain people but I want to speak to other people who have experienced it because it’s something that doesn’t go away. It follows you in different forms and after having our daughter it really amped up.

Why are you obsessing over his past when it had nothing to do with you

Because she has OCD with relationship themes and OCD is not rational.

OP, I understand..my OCD was relationship based at one point but not based around cheating. OCD thrives when you reassurance seek so it really doesn’t help, in fact it makes it worse because you reinforce the anxiety. I’m not sure exactly how you’d manage it but I assume it is similar to OCD in general in that you need to try and sit with the ‘uncertainty’ and not feed it.

As for your OH, it isn’t always easy to understand OCD when you’ve never suffered (some of the other replies on this thread are proof of that), so if he can learn more it may be helpful, if he’s willing. You’ve also got to see it from his point of view. It must be very draining and wearing constantly being the one to reassure, especially when it’s reassurance about something you’re being ‘accused’ of.

Have you looked online to see if there are any resources you could use before you get your therapy? That might help.

I can understand why he'd be at his wits end if you are constantly accusing him or grilling him about cheating etc but you haven't even explained your potential condition to him?

How would her ever understand if he isn't in the loop...