Relationship OCD

[user2466]

Hi,

Ive been with my partner for five years and we have a daughter together.

I suffer from OCD in general (intrusive thoughts) but have in particular suffered with relationship OCD during the course of my relationship.

My partner says he’s at his wits end, whilst I appreciate it’s not something pleasant there are things in our relationship he does that I’ve learnt are his trauma/ADHD and autism etc. What I’m getting at is no one is perfect surely, so shouldn’t you commit to supporting someone?

He doesn’t know it’s a form of OCD but after a lot of research I’d say I suffer from relationship OCD (as well as other OCD which has been diagnosed).

Apart from this aspect, we get on well. We have a daughter together and have a lot in common and bounce off of each other well. He says no one gets him like I do and to a large extent I feel that way about him too.

But he’s saying he’s tired of the above (mainly worried he’ll cheat on me and obsessing over it) and asking him if he loves someone else like an ex or something.

I am awaiting professional help for my OCD but I just feel as though I’ve stuck around whilst he suffers with his own demons and it feels unfair that he’s at his wits end? I wouldn’t force anyone to stay with me and he says he wants to stay with me but can’t deal with the above.

Any thoughts? I’m not saying it’s acceptable for someone else to have to reassure you to that extent but I do believe no one is perfect and there are things about him I have to accept too

OP, most posters on here don’t really understand OCD, so I’m not sure how helpful posting is going to be for you. But you need treatment - this situation is not fair on your partner, and horrible for you - and you need to stop reassurance seeking, which only feeds the disorder further. You need to sit with the anxiety, however unpleasant, rather than acting out the compulsion (asking him for reassurance). OCD generally responds well to CBT and medication.

@user2466 I did think you'd be late 20s! I don't know why!

It will get better. But you do need to seek all the help you can. And don't give up. Reddit has a lot of good information too. OCD needs reassurance. Saying "maybe, but maybe not" out loud might help. You mustn't let the thoughts take hold. It helps me loads!

I promise it can get better. I’m on an SSRI and it’s been a lifesaver. I’ve had many, many themes over the years. And mine is also ‘Pure O’ (although they say that’s an incorrect term now because we do still have compulsions, albeit they’re not always visible).

@PhoebeBuffay1234 can I ask what one you take? I’ve tried them for anxiety in the past but didn’t find them helpful. Not exclusively for OCD, but maybe I should give them another shot whilst I await the professional help

@BeltaneRose thank you. I’ve read this in the past and I tell myself I won’t reassurance seek but then I slip and start again, it’s like a vicious cycle

@wp65 do you know what medication is useful? I acknowledge that it’s not fair on him either, and it’s mentally exhausting for myself too. I really want to be able to turn down the volume of my thoughts and just let these thoughts pass by

I’m on Citalopram. It’s not uncommon to have to try different ones until you find one that suits you though. And they say they can sometimes make you feel a bit worse (but shouldn’t be unbearable) for the first couple of weeks so it’s best to give it time if you can.

@user2466 Same! It's really hard. Just a few days ago I was mid spiral.

I find running helps a lot (I am not fit, nor sporty!) but I do try and "run"

@PhoebeBuffay1234 I’ve made an appointment with the GP to discuss options and give medication another go. Fingers crossed it helps to just ‘turn down the volume’ whilst I await CBT. It’s so exhausting. It helps to talk to someone that gets it.

I have OCD and totally understand where youre coming from. Its because we need 100% certainty and when we dont have that it can lead to a spiral. But I also hear your partner and his stress. I ruminate a lot on situations until I have "an answer" that settles me. My partner said gently that sometimes I can go on and on and on until I break him, especially when it comes to something he doesnt agree on and that sat with me. Our partners try to tolerate it, but if we keep obsessing we have to think if the impact on them too.

I second starting medication ASAP to help quiet your thoughts (my therapist said escitalipram) Was the best for OCD. Just to help your head whilst you wait for therapy.
I also recommend a book called Freedom from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: A Personalized Recovery Program for Living with Uncertainty, Updated Edition

It totally helped me to understand my OCD a little more.

@BeltaneRose Funny you say that, I feel like going for walks can help sometimes. I’ve signed up to the gym (signed up last week but haven’t yet gone but it might help)

@Notmycuppatea I’ll mention if that’s a suitable option for me when I speak to my GP. I tried Sertraline last year but it made me feel awful nausea and then I kind of gave up. Might just has to keep trying until I find the right one.

I can be a lot like you too, in what you mentioned about how it impacts you. Do you have a better grip on it now?

Will check out the book, thank you

Sertraline does have the best evidence base for OCD symptoms but it may be that a different one suits you better. The dose for OCD is higher than general anxiety - for Sertraline, 200mg. It may be that you didn’t get to a therapeutic dose. Therapy alongside it is important though I think… do you know how long the wait list is?

Not sure if it would be for you but have a look at the NOCD app?

People need to understand OCD is one of the most debiliating illnesses out there, sorry you're going through this. We have a close friend with severe OCD and his life is very difficult so I definitely empathise with you.
I would be looking at private counselling and trialling different medications.

Have you read about Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder?
I am not making a diagnosis, far from it, but it does sound a little of what you're experiencing, people dismiss BPD as they usually associate it with acting out and destructive behaviour, but the quiet version is different.

I'm sorry if you read and dismiss it outright, only you would know.
My DS had adolescent OCD, which although calmer now he is 24, still rears up on occasion, so I'm not dismissing that either.

You’re wasting the present by worrying about the future.

Nothing lasts forever anyway. Relationships that do last will eventually end when one of them dies.

@TinyCottageGirlyes, I think there’s not much awareness about the different forms it takes. People just think it’s cleaning and germs related but there’s so much more to it

Will speak to the GP about what medication options are available.

@WaitingForMojowill look into this tonight

Im currently pregnant and in therapy for my OCD and it has helped a lot. Im not on medication atm but it did help a lot in the past and I wouldnt hesitate to go in again if I was severe - in the kindest way if my partner wanted to leave because if it that would be severe enough for me to start medication again. X

@Notmycuppatea thank you for sharing. Do you feel it gets worse during pregnancy? I had it at the start of our relationship, then it kind of went down a bit and then after I got pregnant it AMPED up and then continued amping up during postpartum

I have OCD, it has changed over the years particularly after having a child. Mine got far worse during my pregnancy, and just didn’t get better at all afterwards for a few years.

I tried a couple of different anti depressants or anti anxiety drugs and nothing helped, but this was because they were looking at it as post natal.

once we worked out what was going on, I ended up on sertraline. I needed a massive dose at first, but I’ve slowly reduced this down to the therapeutic level which I just stay on just in case. My OCD is manageable, and hasn’t spiralled in a long time. I would definitely recommend trying them

@Boreded seems to be a common link between ocd and pregnancy/postpartum. Did you work your way up to the high dosage or were you on it like that from the start?

What type of OCD is it?

I think i do overthink and ruminate more now im pregnant but I got in touch with mental health quite early on so I feel positive about it settling. Fingers crossed anyway! But to be fair, im sure most women feel at some point overwhelmed or lost in thought when pregnant x