To think that this fundraiser is strange

[parasolle]

I’d love your thoughts because I find this bizarre and am wondering g if it’s just me ! A neighbour of mine took his life last year . He was early forties and was found out to be having a long term affair with a colleague. His wife also worked at the same organisation. They were all friends and socialised together. It was his affair partners husband who found out and confronted him . He then took his life leaving three young children and a shocked wife .
Thw funeral was unusual I thought. His wife stood and spoke with great adoration for him and placed him extreme t high pedestal as husband and father and employee and local volunteer .
si twelve months later there is a fundraiser for a local charity in his honour .. think mountain rescue… Huge advertising and again massive pedest al placing .
my personal thoughts are that like all cheaters, I find his behaviour reprehensible but to do so with his wife’s best friend and take his own life rather than facing the consequences … I have zero respect for that. His children are absolutely devasted needless to say as are his entire family.
AIBU to think that this’ll s strange and frankly weird ?

He had an affair, he’s not a murderer. He’s a human who made a mistake and died as a result, have you never fucked up? Good on his wife for speaking positively about him and allowing his kids the space to grow up still loving their dad. Suicide devastates families every day and it’s great they are trying to find a positive from something so tragic. Your reaction is weird.

Ok thanks for your response.
ive fucked up plenty but never to that level, no.

Yabu. Yes he had an affair thats not good at all but was this a symptom of his mental health space? Youll never know.

It reflects very poorly on you to pass moral judgement on the way a young widow and her children choose to grieve. "Strange and frankly weird" is a very offensive thing to say in this context.

Their feelings must be unimaginably complex, really this isn't the time or place for what you think.

If this helps the family then it's the right thing to do.

Someone who dies by suicide is desperate.

Maybe his family are also desperate for something good to come out of the sad situation.

It's not what I would do but thank goodness I have never been in that position.

I suppose you don't know what the wife knew or didn't know, what she was okay with or not, how his MH was affecting his judgement etc. you just don't know. So it seems excessively harsh to judge

If that’s what the family felt and chose to do why should your opinion of it matter? Most people can understand and empathise with them, even if you can’t.

Fucking hell I am glad you are not in my life. What a fucking awful response to people you hardly know. You have no idea what was going on in any of these people's lives.

Thanks. I certainly need to do some soul searching here . I was appalled that after this long term affair that his children were collatwral damage in something they had never thing to do with.

I know these people very well and the wife was utterly oblivious.

What would you prefer they do? Vilify him publicly at the funeral or forget he existed for making a mistake that he clearly couldn’t cope with (possibly plus other issues you aren’t aware of)

You should probably step away from these people a bit given your views and judgement, it’s not what they need

Ive been cheated on i hate cheaters full stop.
But this is on a different level op.

Its not just an affair its death as well as grieving family having to get though it.
And here you are slaging them off online, to random strangers.

I find you quite disgusting tbh.

He done wrong, but he isn't Wayne Couznes is he.

These people 🙄 have and are still going though the mix.
And how she deals with it is no one's business but her own.

The wife has, for whatever reason, decided that his positive values and achievements are worth marking and celebrating.

the family are channeling their grief by organising this fundraiser

I think that she and the children are to be admired. You evidently feel they should hide away in shame.

Maybe there was more going on behind the scenes.
And you dont know about it.

So you expect her to go through the terrible grief of loosing her husband by suicide and simultaniously also handle the knowledge he had an affair during her grief?
Leave her to compartmentalise it. Leave her to focus on what was good in his life and create a legacy based on that.

Are you perfect, OP? This man was loved, he had lots of great qualities and yet he obviously struggled to such an extent that he took his own life. OK, so he may have made some mistakes, but there was obviously much more to him than that. He sounds like a wonderful person - where is your compassion?

I think it’s none of your business and you should probably just get on with your life. Nobody is forcing you to donate.

You don’t get to decide how his wife is meant to feel.

Just because someone cheated doesn’t mean their death (especially by suicide) doesn’t hurt.

Also, ridiculous for you to conclude that he took his own life because of the affair alone. Have you ever lost someone to suicide? There is a long battle with MH, in both cases I know of substance abuse (you could never tell with one of them - prescription, the other alcohol and gambling but that was more obvious) spanning over years.

Another self righteous opinion from a know it all.

It's irrelevant how well you think you know them. My best friends of over thirty years don't even know half of what goes on in my house, and by your own words her best friend was the OW.
How his widow chooses to behave, probably to protect their DC, is their business. Your judgement is neither wanted or needed. I hope you haven't made your feelings known.
I also think this post contains far too much information and needs removing.

Awful situation for all involved. I expect either wife doesnt believe the affair happened. Or still grieving losing the life she had with him and the chance to recover from his mistake. Also likely she is trying to do something positive to help her children through everything.

@parasolle
I agree with others . Although affairs are really hurtful things to do, and almost always leave lasting consequences to the person who has been cheated on, they aren’t in the same category as murder or intentionally inflicting physical pain on another human being.
If my husband were to cheat on me and then commit suicide I’d be absolutely devastated at the pain he had to have been feeling regarding what he had done, and that drove him to take his own life.