Struggling with a friendship over values and politics

[Firmoo]

I’m feeling a bit stuck and wondered how others would see this.

I’ve got a friend who I’ve known for a while through playgroups when both our kids were younger, but recently I’m finding myself questioning whether I can stay close to her.

She’s very open about planning to vote Reform in the local elections today.
She isn’t currently working and receives benefits, including DLA for her son. She has previously said to me that she may have exaggerated aspects of his difficulties, and from what I’ve seen there doesn’t seem to be any clearly diagnosed disability. What also makes things tricky is that she seems quite uncomfortable with the idea that he might be neurodiverse at all, which is something that comes up in contrast to my own son.

Her DP is officially registered as her carer and receives carer’s allowance, but I’m also aware he does informal cash-in-hand work alongside this.

I’m not trying to judge anyone’s situation as I know life can be complicated, and I don’t know all the details. But I’m struggling with the mix of things she says and does, and I’m finding it harder to reconcile that with staying close friends.

I suppose I’m just wondering whether others would see this as a reason to step back from a friendship, or whether I’m overthinking it and should try to separate politics and personal relationships more?

I really don’t know how to respond to some things she says to me.

The real decisions are in the same populated rooms ...Davos and all that

My friends and me don’t talk politics at all. No idea of their voting choices.
There are lots of subjects we do discuss and debate.
Politics in personal imho.

You don’t seem to like her. Why bother?

If she is claiming help she is not entitled to report her.

as for politics just either don’t talk about it or discuss. I was brought up in a household with three adults all voting for different parties so there was a lot of debating.

the one good thing i could say was at least she is bothering to vote as so many people don’t. Also I’ve voted Labour, libs, conservative, reform and spoilt my paper over the years so just depends on who has the most policies I agree with if any. Currently I would spoil my paper again.

I just don't get this point of view. Political decisions affects all of us and our daily lives. The idea that you can't get 'heavy' with friends, what is even the point of friends if you have to keep your friendship on such a shallow level?

I couldn’t be friends with a benefit cheat. This is why the whole system needs to be reviewed.

It sounds like she's being authentic and sharing details of her life with you and you are secretly judging everything about her. I don't think you like her very much. It would be best for both of you if you step back from the friendship and you find other friends you admire and have more in common with.

shallow, don't think so. Look where being your way has got you.
Can't you talk about hobbies, TV , music, family, anything apart from religion and politics.
Shared history if you've known each other along time, funny stories, your way doesn't work you have proved it.

Please enlighten me, what is 'my way' and where has it got me?

You've spoken with your friend about politics it's caused upset and your posting on here for advice.
Have you never heard the expression never discuss politics and religion.

Nope, not me.

I've actually spoken with plenty of friends and family about politics and religion and never had a falling out.

Political differences I can accommodate.

But people scamming, no.

Then how do we create a society that we all want to live in? How do we negotiate differences? How do we learn about views other than our own? How do we change our minds by understanding what we didn’t understand before?

You despise her.

Most of us will despise someone at some point of our life.

If this friendship evokes disliking/ill-will within you, you suffer too.

Let it go and wish her well.

Have you asked her how she and her family will manage financially if Reform get in when it comes to the general election? They want to cut disability benefits. Why would someone dependant on disability benefits support that?
What are her reasons for supporting Reform? Racist, stupid or both?

Since when is scamming benefits a political issue?
Claiming carers.allowance for someone who isn't receiving 35 hours of care a week,, and working cash in hand to avoid paying tax is fraud. Politics doesn't come into that at all.

To me, your real problem is your fear of judging. That's what adults are supposed to do - have standards and live by them.

I think these days the political can become inseparable from the personal. I had a friend I adored, an older lady who was, or imagined herself to be, staunchly conservative. But even though I'm liberal, it didn't interfere with the relationship, because she was interesting, good-natured, chatty, and kind. I think she would classify herself as a conservation out of ignorance. However, if it had developed in a way where I was encountering things she was doing that I considered bad, or unethical, or harmful to others, I think that would have ended the friendship.

So it depends on the content and context of the friendship.

I don’t link my identity around conversations about politics- where on earth did you get that idea? Why did you bring identity into it? As a matter of interest, would you have brought identity into this conversation 20 years ago or might you be a perfect example of someone whose political viewpoint is completely shaped by the fashionable ideas of the day?

I’m interested to know what topics you’ve spoken about in the last week or two? “Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.”

Surely this is a rage bait thread?

People like the OP is surely pretending to be can't possibly exist in real life.

Can they?

If you’re not sure of the friendship, just be vague about arrangements to meet up and let it slide.

It is possible to have conversations with friends without discussing political parties or political allegiances, of course.

But deeper conversations often contain political ideas even if they don’t explicitly name political parties. I was discussing the impact of AI with friends yesterday and the conversation turned to how governments might regulate it. That’s politics.

I'm not entirely sure what you mean, but 20 years ago I would probably have had a very serious discussion with you about who would have won in a fight between pikachu and charizard.

You don't seem able to comprehend a social life that doesn't revolve around politics, so I will answer your other post above, some highlights that have been discussed this week with friends, family and colleagues.

In the family: Whether Freddy Kruger or Pinhead would win in a fight. This evolved into pitting various characters against each other. It might surprise you how long this conversation went on (days! A LOT of horror fanatics in the family). Teenage dc's school life and pressure around choices and honework. An upcoming celebration and holiday that we need to plan.

One friend who is fascinated by all things extra terrestial who has obviously had lots of material to discuss and show us this week. The new powerful electro magnetic thruster being tested at NASA and what the results mean for travel to Mars (appreciate not everyone will be as excited as us about that!)

Around the 'water cooler': discussing what bits of the Harry Potter novels that were missed in the films we hope will be in the new series. About the impending AI bubble burst, the fundamental difference between AGI and language models, and the impossible amounts of power and water it would take to run the not yet existant data centers, or even to marginally improve the latter. The new breakthrough in Quantum physics (Quadsqueezing - enables us to see and even influence quantum behaviours that were invisible previously) at Oxford.

Also I have chatted about the local elections this week, but only online, and more in despair at how polarised and illogical most political discourse seems now.

Her DP is officially registered as her carer and receives carer’s allowance, but I’m also aware he does informal cash-in-hand work alongside this.
I think carer’s allowance is dependent upon the amount of hours spent caring, not on other income the carer might have.
You seem to be accusing him of tax evasion. Are you sure that his income is high enough to be taxable?

But yes, I think you step away from this friendship.

I don’t really care who my friends vote for - any political discussions we have are just light touch. No arguments.

My late DH and I had totally different political views, and voted differently. We had the odd lively debate, without rancour, but politics didn’t affect our marriage in any way.

Politics are just personal opinions - no right or wrong. 🤷‍♀️

Variations on this theme come up quite regularly, and I am always surprised at the number of people who say they see no problem being friends with those of different political convictions.

I suppose I'm surprised because I feel that a person's politics are reflective of their core values and says a lot about who they are. And this in turn is part of how we relate. How couples with opposing political views can thrive for decades is almost incomprehensible to me. My brother's political views are diametrically opposed to mine and our relationship is shallower as a result because we upset eachother when we try to communicate about values.