To feel confused by this colleague?

[Annoymous113]

A Really lovely colleague who acts like a mother figure to me giving me advice and checking in on me constantly (much older than me and has kids in late 20’s) has been acting strange since I got some good news regarding my child. I’m finding her attitude really odd. I won’t have guessed she would act like this. Any insights to help me understand?

My son got offered a scholarship to our local independent school and I shared this news with her as I thought she would be really proud and pleased for him as she makes out she’s a mother figure to me but her reaction was really off! She didn’t congratulate me like I thought she would and she got really quiet. Her response to this news was that her kids didn’t go private and went to the local failing comprehensive and now they studying in Oxford university. I just don’t understand her reaction, it’s upset me a little. I think she might be a little jealous but her kids are all grown up so it’s not like they were competing for a place! I just feel like avoiding her from now. I found myself making her feel better as I felt guilty sharing with her. Can anyone explain why she reacted like that?

That's a really odd response! I wouldn't think she's jealous because if kids went to Oxbridge - loads of private school kids won't manage to achieve that, so her kids have likely done better than if they went to private school.

But maybe she disagrees in private schools in general? I know my DP has strong views about why he thinks private schools should be abolished etc

She might remember her own child failing to get the scholarship and it still stings, or she might have strong feelings against private schools. She might have an unhealthy dynamic with you where presenting the news as a fait accompli threw her off as you are supposed to go to her for advice first. If you are close enough you could approach her again and neutrally say you noticed her reaction and if there’s any issue.

Jealous is a lazy assumption.

Some people just feel strongly about that sort of thing, but at the end of the day she should keep it to herself instead of pissing on your chips.

Might be a good chance to step back a bit from what sounds like a bit of an odd relationship with this colleague anyway.

@MxCactus another colleague overheard her and told me her kids didn’t go Oxford! I’m really confused why she would say that. Im not going to make a fuss and ask her as quite frankly it’s not my business but I don’t think it’s the fact that she’s against private schools. I just never saw this side of her but putting things together she does act like this with others when they seem to get good news. First time I’ve been on the end of this so I was hurt as she always makes out she’s a motherly figure to me.

Some people have strong anti private schools views. I’ve met lots of people who blame them for inequity and think if they were abolished, that state education would be forced to improve for everyone.

I personally don’t judge people for their choices.

Maybe. Truthfully I just don’t even want to speak to her again her face was like thunder and so angry! I just felt so bad telling her.

Oh, just seen your update. Maybe it is jealousy then and needing to feel superior. Not a real friend then.

Reallly a “face like thunder”? That’s an extremely visceral reaction! Is she ok? Does she see herself as a “mother” to you? Wonder if that’s something you mention a lot if it annoys her? As in your saying “gosh you’re soo much older than me! You could be my mum!”

So she gets attention to herself by acting as if she’s ‘mother figure’ but can’t stomach anyone’s good news because then attention shifts away from her.

I’d suspect some covert narc tendencies there.

Plenty of people don't approve of private education. (Special needs aside), feeling it creates a two tier system which isn't good for society, and if everyone with bright children sent them to private schools (either because they can afford to, or because they get a scholarship) it reduces the quality of the state provision, and school experience for the rest.

I doubt it is personal, more like discovering someone has completely different political views from what you expected. Up to you how you deal with it. Suspect you might be able to smooth things over if you make a bit of a throwaway comment suggesting it wasn't your idea, and isn't really your choice, but you entered them to satisfy your parents or something and now feel obliged to follow it through given child has now achieved the scholarship....

@PoppinjayPolly seriously? You really good at twisting things. she’s never actually said she’s a motherly figure to me and I’ve never actually said she’s older than me! Not everyone in life actually says things directly it’s how they act. You sound really unsure of how life works btw. Your life sounds so lovely where everyone directly tells people things,

to make things simpler for you - So basically she treats me like she’s my mother by fussing over me and other colleagues. I don’t need to tell her she’s much older than me as it’s obvious she’s the oldest in the department and has made herself the mother figure.

I think private schools are completely unethical. Maybe she does too.

But it sounds like an odd relationship anyway, unless you actually wanted a 'work mummy'. Maybe just leave it.

Have you had issues/problems she's helped you with? You say she checks in on you and gives you advice. If so she may have a "Saviour" complex where she likes you when you're down, but feels insecure if you have any success!

Stop letting someone who isn't your mother acting like your mother. It's weird on every level.

She’s not a true friend.

She likes advising you when hearing your troubles, secretly enjoying that you’re in a dilemma. But she becomes envious and resentful of any successes, most likely feeling you don’t deserve it.

I think some people feel important if they're "caring" for others. Then don't like it when the other person doesn't need "care" (mothering).

I've known a couple of women who have tried to mother me and it felt quite stifling/ controlling, and as if they'd prefer me to need looking after. Not liking it when I was doing well/ didn't need them in the way they seemed to want me to need them.

The thing is she knows my history that I don’t have a family and didn’t grow up with parents so she knows I don’t have many people to share good news with so her reaction I felt was very cold, there’s lots of things people do that I don’t agree with but I would politely just congratulate and not get in a strop like she did. It was very bizarre!

@Allthesnowallthetime i see what you mean. I’m a grown woman and don’t need a mother when I gave 3 kids myself! Do it’s not something I’ve encouraged but that’s her personality she makes out she’s very caring and available for everyone if they need a chat

She likes it when you’re down. Sorry OP find some better friends.

Congratulations on the scholarship. It’s great news!

She sounds like she just wants everyone’s gossip and for people to become dependent on her.

@DecentLady i think you’re right! She is very gossipy! The thing is she asked me today where he got a place. I’ve actually known since February but she only asked today. She knew we were going for it as it came up in conversation when another mum and myself were discussing schools for September. I think she got upset as it’s a scholarship rather than her initially thinking we were paying for it. I do t care what others are saying as they weren’t there to see her face and I know the look of jealousy. It just makes me sad as I thought she was a lovely person but she obviously doesn’t like good things happening for others she thinks are beneath her and she considers a charity case!

Lots of people are just really against private education which is their right.

She clearly thinks that you think the local comp isn’t good enough and that makes her feel criticised for sending her kids there. Clearly it’s a sore spot. Sometimes it’s not about what you said and did but about what they heard and did.

She’s only interested in you until something nice happens to you. Bin

@Flamingojune i get what you mean but she did t react like this when i discussed possible schools, i think she assumed we would be paying for it. I’m still thinking of her reaction and i think it’s when I mentioned he got a scholarship that’s when her attitude shifted.