To feel confused by this colleague?

[Annoymous113]

A Really lovely colleague who acts like a mother figure to me giving me advice and checking in on me constantly (much older than me and has kids in late 20’s) has been acting strange since I got some good news regarding my child. I’m finding her attitude really odd. I won’t have guessed she would act like this. Any insights to help me understand?

My son got offered a scholarship to our local independent school and I shared this news with her as I thought she would be really proud and pleased for him as she makes out she’s a mother figure to me but her reaction was really off! She didn’t congratulate me like I thought she would and she got really quiet. Her response to this news was that her kids didn’t go private and went to the local failing comprehensive and now they studying in Oxford university. I just don’t understand her reaction, it’s upset me a little. I think she might be a little jealous but her kids are all grown up so it’s not like they were competing for a place! I just feel like avoiding her from now. I found myself making her feel better as I felt guilty sharing with her. Can anyone explain why she reacted like that?

She's clearly against independent schools. I'd hope she could voice her views about it without directly criticising your choices. There's nothing wrong with not choosing that route but to fall out with someone who did different seems off.

She can't be a great friend if she'd let that effect her views of you. I'd just forget what she said about it. And just continue to try and be normal and friendly. Hopefully she'll not talk about it again.

Maybe it's a case of thinking you knew her better than you actually do. That can happen with work mates as the friendship can often be initially fairly superficial. Even if you saw her as a mother figure.

It’s jealousy. What a shame.

I’m one of those who profoundly disagrees with private schooling, so I probably wouldn’t be particularly excited either - although I don’t wang on about my views. A scholarship could mean anything from a mere 5% off the fees as an incentive, to full fee waiver for the super clever/sporty ones so without knowing the exact details I’d never be that impressed I’m afraid.

BIL was waxing lyrical about what a lahvly school his children go to and I replied that it jolly well should be if you’re paying through the nose for it. 😂

Because she couldn’t afford what you are getting for free. And she knows how much harder her children had to work to get into Oxford and then the extra work they had to do to fit in.

I had a colleague who was like a mother figure.
She was lovely at first and twice my age, so I’d say it’s quite natural to feel a maternal instinct.

But she was actually really intense, I would say possessive/controlling.

There would be little snippets of it every now and then but nothing major but then she fell out with me after the entire team was made redundant and I didn’t apply to work in the same job as the one she was going for.

Some people don’t like it if you do things differently to them and if she sees herself as a mother figure, then it’s likely she feels more entitled to feel ‘upset’ or whatever over it.

It’s incredibly rude to not have congratulated you, even if she doesn’t like private schools/handouts etc.

If you have known since February could she also be hurt that you haven’t mentioned it until now. Kind of like she was shocked that you withheld the information from her. Not that she is obligated to know but that she sees it that way. Like she wants to be in on it.

Any chance your friend talked to her kids about your relationship and they are jealous? Not about the schooling but in general. This happened to me. I was friends with a lovely woman at work but she told me her daughter was jealous of our relationship and I think her daughter ‘poisoned’ me against her. Not to be dramatic but I can’t really explain it any other way! The woman from then on was cold and distant.

Is this a wind up????

I wouldn't waste time trying to analyse and interpret her reaction.
Put an end to the ' mothering' nature of the relationship and take a step back from her.

this reminds me of a woman I worked with. Someone was on the local news having won a massive lottery pot and she was furious that the winner owned a smallish business and lived in a middle class area. The business was one the owner would do a lot of manual labor (at least to start) but in her opinion he did not deserve to win the money. It was baffling and I've made an effort to feel sincere joy for strangers who get windfalls ever since-I wouldn't want to be a bitter person like that.

And yes her face was like thunder it was impossible to hide her disgust and jealousy.

I guess only Poors can win lotteries but its not listed as a pre-condition on the lottery tickets LOL

It's so awkward because you're "under her wing" (which isn't what you thought it was) but I would advise distancing yourself from her if you can.

Yes, though people’s actual mothers often also disapprove of them.

If her children went to Oxford anyway, why should she care if yours might get an easier route.

Some people only like you because they look down on you - you make them feel better (about themselves). Your family's amazing fortune here threatens that. She won't like anything where you compare better than her. She has low self-esteem, ultimately. Ignore her.

What the actual F!

Are you a people pleaser on steroids?