AIBU to rethink my relationship over partners behaviour and comments?

[Whatthefork1]

I don’t really know how to begin this, but I feel like I’m at breaking point in my relationship with my partner. We have been together 12 years, we have two pre school children together, the youngest is 21 months.

He claims that I take everything out on him. Unless I’m smiling and full of joy when he gets home, he takes it very personal and says that I’m snapping at him. Life can be stressful and hard going when you have two young children and some days are utter chaos. I can’t be happy all the time, but I feel like I almost have to fake it.

Whenever I try and talk to him about things, it always turns into an argument because he can never see things from my perspective. He then looses it and starts being really nasty to me, calling me all sorts and will even say he hates me. He’s so emotionally immature.

He is a great provider for the family, but that is pretty much where it ends. I do all the cooking, cleaning, general care of the children, life admin, nursery drop offs and pick ups, organising everything for the children and us, getting up in the night with our toddler, assisting him with the book keeping and admin for his business and I also work 3 days a week in my own job.

Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and struggle to keep on top of everything and yes I do snap at him on occasion and take it out on him, I know I shouldn’t and I always apologise and tell him he shouldn’t take it personally, I’m just having a hard day.

He claims that I don’t do enough. He said to me last night- what do I bring to the table?! I was utterly gobsmacked and felt so hurt that he clearly can’t see what I do for our family. I feel like he expects me to be Wonder Woman all the time, but I can’t be and I struggle mentally with it all.

What’s really bought me here for advice is his latest comment which has completely changed the way I see him. He said that if our son ends up being gay then he will disown him (our son is 21 months old), I was devastated that he would even think such a thing. He can’t understand why I’m so upset by the comment and states that “it hasn’t even happened yet so there’s no point getting upset”, he can’t see that even saying such a thing says a huge amount about him as a person and as a father.

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I really don’t want to break up my family, I can’t imagine doing that to my children. I come from a broken home and it’s horrible. I also don’t know what I would do financially. But I also don’t see how I can carry on like this anymore, he is wearing me down. I keep hoping things will get better, but he can’t ever admit fault or see things from my perspective.

Most of the above. Most of our friends are mutual and I can only imagine the picture he will paint of me. I’ve been with him since I was 19 so no I haven’t ever been single, I moved in with him straight from my parents home. And yes I am worried about providing alone.

Your home is already broken. Your misogynistic husband denigrates and belittles your contributions to family life and you're modeling that and his 1950s mindset for your kids. He also sounds emotionally abusive and intent on keeping you down so he can feel superior.

The only positive thing he brings to the table is money. The negatives, misogyny and homophobia and general unpleasanty and the red pill attitudes outweigh that.

You work outside the home and you prop his business by your admin and bookkeeping work for it. Is he paying you a proper salary and taking out taxes and paying into your pension for that work like a proper employer? If not, he's taking huge advantage of you.

He does nothing in the home. You are the maid and cleaner and cook and it would cost him for those services. The childcare you do would also be extremely costly.

You bring much more to the table than he does.

I’m fully aware that it sounds illogical and I’m constantly going back and forth on how I feel and what I should do. I feel like I’m going crazy to be honest.

He told me last night that he was disappointed in me and my reaction to the comment. I was in utter disbelief. He completely blames me for “falling out with him” over it and says that I am the one causing the issue.

Honestly, I class myself as a relatively switched on / intelligent woman, but I feel so stupid and helpless right now.

I don’t think it helps my mind set in that I was bought up around the “traditional values” , my dad and then after that my step dad were the ones who went out to work and my mum did absolutely everything else. Albeit my dad was never ever abusive towards my mum, however my step dad was when he first met my mum and he was awful to me and my sister. I’m not sure what has changed but he is a complete different person now.

He doesn't pay me, I am not employed by his company. His company is just him and I’ve always done the book keeping for him, that’s what I do for my own job. I’d never even considered asking him to pay me because in my view, I was helping him and we were a team.

In response to your loneliness comment and this, I think you just don't know any better. And being alone is better.

My ex isolated me from friends(we didn't have kids thankfully) and I had to start over, so literally your worst nightmare, but it took surprisingly little time to feel better.

there was about 2 weeks of sheer panic and grief, would have done anything to turn back the clock, but then moving and life took over and I had to do things without him and within 12 weeks I'd say I was fine and adjusting well. I was starting new friendships and everything like that fell into place when I lost the stress of the relationship and once I'd come to terms with the fact that I had to move on and I refocused.

You won't be ready until you do it and there isn't really a soft way out.

If your so called partner can’t see what you bring to the table then absolutely that’s a reason to reassess your relationship. He either thinks you don’t bring anything or doesn’t value what you do bring.

also being homophobic is reason to reassess. And being so homophobic he’d cut all ties with his own child even hypothetically

He should be doing more at home if you also work 3 days a week. I think I would be having a serious talk but unless he sees the light and gets his act together I can't see any other option but to leave.

Tell him it's a good job he brings zero to the table as there's no room on the table because of everything you've brought to it.

Then plan to leave him/kick him out.

He's ridiculous.

He's utterly vile and I was already thinking manopspere before you got to the 'what do you bring to the table' get yourself and your kids out of there as fast as you can.

See a divirce solicitor before telling him anything. Play your cards close to your chest until you are able and ready to leave.

It's really that serious.

Can I suggest that you think about the word 'family' and what that means to you, and what you want it to mean.
Because to me, 'family' are the people who love you, want the best for you, and want to support you.
He doesnt want that for you or your children, so to me, you arent splitting up a family at all, because he doesnt treat any of you like you are a family. You would be putting your children in a healthy family situation by leaving him because then they would not grow up learning that 'families' treat each other badly, like he treats you. You can teach your babies that family means treating each other with kindness and support. Think about how you would feel if your kids grew up and ended up treating partners this way, because they watched Dad treat Mum this way and it was presented as okay because they were together so they must have loved each other, so thats what love is. You would be devastated.
Some kids hate brushing their teeth, but they still need brushing because the long term affects can be dangerous to their health. You have a responsibility to your children to not put how they might feel short-term over what they need to learn long-term.
Imagine if your kids grew up and their partner treated them this way, and they turned round and said to you 'I thought it was normal because its how dad treated you'. You would be broken by it. And you wont forgive yourself for letting your loneliness and your fear of the unknown impact their life. You have the strength in you, I promise you. You might not find it today, or tomorrow, but it is there because you are having these thoughts and you can see its not right. You can find that strength for your children's sake, and yours.
You are not stupid, you are not helpless, you are processing that this man who says he loves you, doesnt. He says he loves his kids, but he doesnt. You cant just say you love someone, actual love shows itself through other actions, other words, other intentions, other thoughts. This man might act devastated if you try to leave, but he cant show you basic kindness. Thats a lot for someone to process, you need to be kind to yourself on that. Its a hard realisation.

Can you get a housekeeper/cleaner to alleviate the stress. You are doing an awful lot and he sounds like a right piece of work.

I'm sorry to say it, but you married a wolf in sheep's clothing, and he will get worse.
Do not have another baby to this man.
He is a TWAT who will continue to grind you down. 😠

OP could you go to your mums/sisters for a few days with the kids, maybe during summer holidays and have some space so you can have a good think away from him? 😇

Do you own or rent the house together?
Have joint savings?
Have access to his books, as he is self employed (so you can gather evidence) OP? 🤔

Maybe the time for compromise and counselling has gone, as he will never admit fault or meet you half way.
I would be silent about your next move, bide your time and get your ducks in a row 🦆🦆🦆
@Whatthefork1

Love love love "ocean going w*nker" 💐💐💐which he absolutely is. Can't imagine living with such an arse, or even breathing the same air tbh

Can you move nearer your family?

Thankfully we are not married.

We own two houses together, one of which we rent out.

Don’t have joint savings. I have mine and he has his, although his is substantially more than mine, that’s not to say the money isn’t treated as “family” money, but the savings account is in his name alone, as is mine.

I have access to all his books. I have always done his book keeping and now actually work for the firm that have been his accountants for years.

I wish he would agree to counselling as he’s bought so many unresolved issues/trauma into the relationship. But how can you be counselled when you are unwilling to admit fault or make any changes to your behaviour🤦‍♀️

I could, but he is still my children’s father at the end of the day and I feel like it would be unfair to move them 4 hours away.

Less fair than exposing them to homophobia and misogyny? And I'm sure there are more abhorrent views in there somewhere.

You're actually in a much better position financially than a lot of women in abusive relationships, you can make a fresh start and model strength to your children. I'm not saying it's easy and you should do XYZ immediately, but you CAN do this.

The first thing I would do is stop doing his bookkeeping and helping him out with his business. He is so disrespectful towards you!

You recreated what your mom showed you was ok when she brought her abusive husband into your lives. You're modeling those values, along with misogyny and homophobia for them.

Do you want your kids to have toxic, abusive relationships?

I would end the marriage based on the homophobic comments alone. He sounds awful and very selfish.

I'd rather my son be gay then turn out a immature, apathetic arsehole like him.

He’s a misogynist, homophobic bully. Your children will be far happier away from him.

I realise its easier said than done but you need to make a plan to leave. It can be done: you aren’t married which is good.

Take small steps towards this. Go back to work full time if you can, start squirrelling away money and start planning where you want to live.

If you put your mind to it its absolutely possible.

I could, but he is still my children’s father at the end of the day and I feel like it would be unfair to move them 4 hours away.

Unfair to whom?
Unfair to him as he is their father - yet doesn't seem to parent them? 🤔

Unfair to the children - that same children that he doesn't really bother with? 🤔

In your own words in a previous post, you stated:
He is a great provider for the family, but that is pretty much where it ends.
I do all the cooking, cleaning, general care of the children, life admin, nursery drop offs and pick ups, organising everything for the children and us, getting up in the night with our toddler.

It may lift for a while if he promises to change /make more effort (which I highly doubt) but then he will revert to his selfish type - his sort always do. 🙄

Sounds like your workload will probably reduce, if you don't have to wipe his arse and cook/clean for him and sort his business books etc.
Also if you move nearer to your family - you will have more support!
Further reducing your workload, win-win. 🙌

I'm sorry OP. He sounds like an anchor dragging you down ⚓️
But if you stay for the sake of keeping a family together, you will destroy yourself and drown, trying to keep this shit bag afloat, all for the sake of a 'family'. 😠

LTB @Whatthefork1

I mean I just chiming in again because I agree with the term 'shit bag' that pp just used. He's a shit bag.

It does children a disservice to see their mother put up with such a horrible person. Teach them they can drop people like that. Drop shit bags like, well, shit bags.