AIBU to rethink my relationship over partners behaviour and comments?

[Whatthefork1]

I don’t really know how to begin this, but I feel like I’m at breaking point in my relationship with my partner. We have been together 12 years, we have two pre school children together, the youngest is 21 months.

He claims that I take everything out on him. Unless I’m smiling and full of joy when he gets home, he takes it very personal and says that I’m snapping at him. Life can be stressful and hard going when you have two young children and some days are utter chaos. I can’t be happy all the time, but I feel like I almost have to fake it.

Whenever I try and talk to him about things, it always turns into an argument because he can never see things from my perspective. He then looses it and starts being really nasty to me, calling me all sorts and will even say he hates me. He’s so emotionally immature.

He is a great provider for the family, but that is pretty much where it ends. I do all the cooking, cleaning, general care of the children, life admin, nursery drop offs and pick ups, organising everything for the children and us, getting up in the night with our toddler, assisting him with the book keeping and admin for his business and I also work 3 days a week in my own job.

Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and struggle to keep on top of everything and yes I do snap at him on occasion and take it out on him, I know I shouldn’t and I always apologise and tell him he shouldn’t take it personally, I’m just having a hard day.

He claims that I don’t do enough. He said to me last night- what do I bring to the table?! I was utterly gobsmacked and felt so hurt that he clearly can’t see what I do for our family. I feel like he expects me to be Wonder Woman all the time, but I can’t be and I struggle mentally with it all.

What’s really bought me here for advice is his latest comment which has completely changed the way I see him. He said that if our son ends up being gay then he will disown him (our son is 21 months old), I was devastated that he would even think such a thing. He can’t understand why I’m so upset by the comment and states that “it hasn’t even happened yet so there’s no point getting upset”, he can’t see that even saying such a thing says a huge amount about him as a person and as a father.

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I really don’t want to break up my family, I can’t imagine doing that to my children. I come from a broken home and it’s horrible. I also don’t know what I would do financially. But I also don’t see how I can carry on like this anymore, he is wearing me down. I keep hoping things will get better, but he can’t ever admit fault or see things from my perspective.

I would make a list of exactly what you ‘bring to the table’ and a list of what he does and give it to him

I watched the manosphere documentary the other night and was utterly shocked and it also dawned on me that some of my partners views are very similar. That scared me if I’m honest. Don’t know if I’ve been blind sighted by it all.

I’m really sorry you went through that. He sounds awful.
How old were you children when you split? It honestly scares the hell out of me to split my family up and the logistics and emotionally strain of it all.

Another sorry example of toxic masculinity...

I would not stay in a relationship with someone who is being so disrespectful to you and has hateful views. Your kids also deserve better than this.

So you married a misogynistic arrogant pig, but you don't want to leave him because you think its better for the children to grown up in this toxic, hateful environment and with an unhappy mum, then with a single mother?
You may have found growing up in a 'broken home awful, but many children don't.

I think you are probably heading for separating, get your ducks in a row etc etc as all the good posters before me have said. However before this i wouldn’t be able to resist making a point. I would plans a two week holiday. I’d be open that its purpose is to show him ‘what I bring to the table’. You might not even need to go. But say if he can‘t manage 2 weeks then how about 1 week? A long weekend? Then in the conversation is obviously ‘if you can’t manage 3 days without me, how exactly are you struggling to see what I bring to the table? Either you accept its a lot or I’ll see you in 2 weeks.

Your reaction isn’t the reason for splitting the family up. He has caused the problem you are reacting too, and therefore he will always be the reason for the family splitting up, if this does happen.

What you don't seem to realise is that the home is already broken. You are using sticking plasters to keep it together but it's broken and it's absolutely rotten to the core.

Get out now and show your children how they should never put up with an abusive partner. Otherwise start saving up for a lifetime of therapy for your children - because they will be damaged by you staying.

Oh he's a vile piece of work!
Is this how you want your life- and your child's life- to be?
We're only on this planet once- make it a happy 'once'

Don't want to victim blame, but here I go. He's expressed such thoughts before, and you've brushed it off and made a family with him. 🤷
He's an arse, leave him. I'm sure you're more than capable of managing. Let him wallow in his own bigotry.

What a nasty bully you’re married to.

I don’t think it’s going to get better.

Clearly he's repulsive and yes, obviously you should dump him.

However, there's no way you weren't aware that he was a homophobic arsehole when you met him, and you still stayed with him for 12 years. It's not like this issue would never have come up before. It's that it's only now important to you when it could potentially affect your child. When it was only other people he hated for being gay, you were sufficiently fine with it to stay with him for a dozen years and have a baby with him.

Your partner is vile and sounds verbally and emotionally abusive and you should absolutely leave him because he's making your life miserable and he's a nasty piece of work. But I hope you'll also reflect on the fact that being massively homophobic (or racist or whatever) isn't just a 'difference of opinion' that can/should be overlooked. It's a sign of a genuinely unpleasant person who treats people like shit, regardless of whether it directly affects your own family or not.

They was 4 and 1. Eldest refused to see him. Hes not seen his kids since October 2017. Calls them once a week and its the same old phone call. Like a script. Theyre now 19 and 16 and thriving without their Dad. They actually used to argue who was going to take the call. Like no you can answer I did it last time 🫣😬 Daughter hasn't spoken to her Dad in 18 months and she was the favourite. He made it so obvious

He cannot be described as a good person.

You should base your decisions on this.

What on earth are you doing staying with this man?
Have some self worth. He treats you like crap and is openly homophobic, to the point he said he’d disown your own son if it came to it.
Why would you want to play happy families with such a piece of shit? Raise your bar OP, seriously.

Are you married?
Are you officially employed by his business?

"I come from a broken home and it's horrible"

Living in a home where one of your parents abuses the other is far worse.

No and no, thankfully

I totally agree with you actually and I feel stupid and guilty that I didn’t leave him years ago. It is so much harder to leave now for all manner of reasons and it’s my mistake for not standing up to it sooner. I suppose I was naive in thinking that his views were not so extreme, I don’t even know how to be honest. But yes I feel like a fool.

Unfortunately he would never see it that way. I appreciate all the comments and I know, deep down, every single one of them is correct, but until your in a situation like this, you don’t realise how difficult it can be to walk away.
I don’t have any family who live close by, they are 4 hours away and quite honestly I am terrified of being lonely. I’m a fool.

I'm sorry for what you're going through but I think you need to hear how offensive and pejorative the term "broken home" is, mostly because I think you've absorbed the negative connotations.

My parents split up and we were all happier and better for it. It wasn't broken.

I think you should test yourself. You say you're worried about being lonely but you snap at him because you're struggling. So my suggestion to you is trying to live for 2 weeks exactly how he wants you to. So when you feel snappy, try harder to be cheerful, burn yourself out to make him happy and meet his expectations. I expect whst you'll find out from the experiment is thst either 1) it is impossible to meet his expectations because they are unreasonable or 2) it is so exhausting and unsustainable that you'll choose to face your fear of being lonely because its genuinely the better nd preferable choice.

But I think its on you to feel ready to be brave. Fwiw I think the fear is usually worse than the reality.

So, you don’t want to break up the family, but you do want to continue to expose your children to this unhealthy, toxic situation, perhaps for many years. You must realise how illogical that sounds.

Can you explain "lonely". Do you mean he is genuinely great company or that you have no friends or that you've never been single or you're worried about providing alone?

My dear, if you leave, it won’t be you who broke up your family. It will be the attitude and behaviour of a man who sounds vile. The short term pain will be so worth it for a happier life.

He’s both toxic and abusive and he’s not going to change- if anything he will become more emboldened to behave the way he does and say what he says, the longer you’re with him.

The comment about him disowning his son (who is currently 1…) if he turns out to be gay, and then demanding to know why you’re upset by this “because it’s not even happened yet” is such obvious gaslighting behaviour.