Should ex be prioritising his birthday over childcare?

[EezehMummy]

Ex has a birthday in Oct half term. He ALWAYS books it off, plus another day to make a long weekend or just have two weekdays off for it. We are struggling for holidays this summer to cover childcare for our youngest.

He won’t sacrifice his 2-day birthday hols for 2 days in the summer hols to look after her. The Oct hols I get off work automatically (education role) but I have to work some weeks in Aug — everyone at work does, I am not choosing this.

AIBU for telling him to book the days in summer and work his birthday instead? I don’t see the big deal, he is not having a milestone birthday and has not booked a break away or anything.

Or should he carry on having his birthday off work and leave me to sort of and pay for the childcare?

If he does I’ll have to pay for holiday clubs which our youngest HATES and I can guarantee ex will not contribute any more than his basic maintenance.

He’s unlikely to do as you ask.

What age is your youngest DC?

What is your split of the summer school holidays parenting in your informal or formal agreement?

Of course he should do the childcare. A decent dad would. Sadly, I get the feeling he won't, and there's nothing you can do to make him.

You can't make someone be a good dad.

YABU to tell him.

YANBU to ask him to consider it or split the childcare costs with you.

what does your childcare arrangement say about school holidays?

You can’t tell your ex what to do, it’s 100% up to him how he uses his annual leave. You know he always books these days off, and it’s only 2 days, so it’s pointless picking a fight over it

So you're off for the week anyway in October?

You've misunderstood the issue!

Well that's why I asked the question 🤷‍♂️

You could seek an adjustment to your agreement whereby he parents your DC, or sorts childcare, for a certain number of days/weeks in the long holiday. If he refuses it seems better not to rock the boat, unless you’re still legally married and need to sort finance stuff.

@EezehMummy this doesn’t help you, but why do some grown-ups make such a fuss of their birthdays? I honestly don’t get it. A colleague of mine is 56 and has never ever worked his birthday and never will. It’s soooo childish! I thought it was because he is chid-free, possibly still selfish and nothing more important to put his vanity into perspective, but obviously not.

Your Ex sounds like a numpty.

It's not childcare. It is parenting.

Stop minimising it for starters.

If he wouldn't be having them in October anyways then I think you are on a sticky wicket.

I think you are confusing the issue with the October thing.

To your Ex - there are X amount of school holidays to cover, you need to take leave or sort alternative childcare for your days

Difficult to say. What does the school holiday split look like?
While I think being open to negotiations is important, I don't think I'd appreciate being 'told' by an ex that I can't take two days of my leave when I want to take it.

School holiday split is me 5 weeks, him 1 week. Would be 1 week and 2 days if he agreed. He is still having his regular contact days (2 nights a week) over summer.

Youngest is aged 10. Grandparents not an option for one reason or another 😭

Thanks. He does 2 nights a week normally (which I work out as almost 30% of the week). So should we be splitting the holiday weekdays 70/30 like we do the regular weeks?! I used to wfh so was more flexible on hols and have never really chased him to do extra until now.

Who does the other 7 weeks of school hols- Christmas/ Easter / half terms.
If he literally only does one week out of the entire 13 weeks and takes the rest of his annual leave ( at least 4 weeks?) when he feels like it then Yanbu. But then surely he could just move any two of his other annual leave days to do the August days. It doesn't have to be the ones he is taking for his birthday.

I have just been through counselling on how to deal with my exh and this is what I have learnt. You cannot make him have the children when he says he is unavailable. As you don’t have a court order, and you are the primary parent, you CAN specify / give options when they are available for contact, within reason as long as you are not blocking contact, if it is reasonable / in the best interests of the children and yourself to do so.

I dunno, if I saw my kids 2 nights a week and only offered to do 5 extra over summer, I think I’d probably sacrifice my birthday leave. But that’s just me!

I very nearly posted a massive rant about a similar situation with my ex however I realised that I can’t control him. I’m trying the ‘let them’ theory but massive solidarity.

It’s a common theme tbh. He says he wants to see them more, but won’t book
leave to care for them when I really need him. I think his new gf may have plans for him but he hasn’t shared anything about hols booked or anything like that. He is very secretive though. I am an open book. He has done a schedule and put all my breaks away on it, but none of his.

Thank you! I love this site for being my rant outlet 😝 I did sort of tell myself when we split that I just had to accept he was a part-time dad and they were better off with me anyway. The kids aren’t particularly keen on going. He’s not a bad guy, just quite emotionally unavailable and has no empathy! We are really amicable but he definitely has a black and white view of his role in their lives.

Thank you! I love this site for being my rant outlet 😝 I did sort of tell myself when we split that I just had to accept he was a part-time dad and they were better off with me anyway. The kids aren’t particularly keen on going. He’s not a bad guy, just quite emotionally unavailable and has no empathy! We are really amicable but he definitely has a black and white view of his role in their lives.

He would probably do 1 night extra in the Oct hols, over 2 days. So pick up mid morning one day, bring them home the teatime after. But I can manage this Oct half term alone. He’s not for budging though. I just told him he needs to put his kids before his own birthday. I know this sounds bossy but you have to be extremely direct with this guy or he “misunderstands” stuff and doesn’t get how important it is. I honestly don’t think that’s a big ask because I always do that on my birthday: I usually am working but then we go somewhere that the kids and I like for tea and open presents in the evening. Isn’t that what being a parent is about?!

I know, I’m bossy! That’s why we divorced haha. He just doesn’t do what I tell him 😛

And we have always had a very fluid childcare plan. He used to do one night a week plus one evening only until he got his own house recently, now he does 2 or 3 nights a week (not including school run). So it’s about a third of the week. I am a bit confused about the hols though! If we do a 70/30 split normally, should we be doing this on the days they are not in school?!

Yes, I need zero childcare in Oct! But he’s still wanting to book the days then and will probably take the kids out for the day tbf. But we will struggle in the summer for that. :-/

Ops ex is clearly an arsehole.

However, taking a birthday off work is childish? Why?