Should ex be prioritising his birthday over childcare?

[EezehMummy]

Ex has a birthday in Oct half term. He ALWAYS books it off, plus another day to make a long weekend or just have two weekdays off for it. We are struggling for holidays this summer to cover childcare for our youngest.

He won’t sacrifice his 2-day birthday hols for 2 days in the summer hols to look after her. The Oct hols I get off work automatically (education role) but I have to work some weeks in Aug — everyone at work does, I am not choosing this.

AIBU for telling him to book the days in summer and work his birthday instead? I don’t see the big deal, he is not having a milestone birthday and has not booked a break away or anything.

Or should he carry on having his birthday off work and leave me to sort of and pay for the childcare?

If he does I’ll have to pay for holiday clubs which our youngest HATES and I can guarantee ex will not contribute any more than his basic maintenance.

I don't think its about his birthday. If he covered a reasonable amount of childcare in the holidays in general 1 or 2 days in October wouldn't be an issue.

It’s fine to take a birthday off but to have a mindset that they can’t and won’t work their birthday ever, is just childish. A birthday is just another day. Nice to celebrate but it really doesn’t need to be held in such high regards on the yearly calendar.

Children do this. They count down till they get presents and party etc..

Sounds like you doing 5 weeks and him just 1 week in the summer is an unfair split. Is he saying he does not have any other leave than 1 week in the summer and 2 days round his birthday? Is he in UK?

I think you need your arrangements, especially for the holidays, set out more clearly than they are.

So a clear and much fairer split of the summer holidays in particular.

My exh only has the youngest EO weekend, and the eldest goes a slightly more changeable amount as she’s 17 but it’s a bit more at the moment.

It’s always been a 50:50 split of the holidays - although obviously the 17 yo doesn’t have to any time except when she chooses. She mostly does though.

I worked my 17th birthday in my first ever job and swore never to do it again. And I never have or will!
I'm not a diva and don't expect anything from family/friends for my birthday. But it's special enough to me that I absolutely refuse to deal with emails/meetings and no cooking either, has to be takeaway or meal out.

In this case, sounds like an overall lack of holiday support and flexibility which is rightly causing OP to begrudge ex's birthday stance.

How old are you now and are you child-free?

He is completely out of order and it sounds like you cover all the school hols usually so what’s he using his 5 or so weeks leave on?

I do find it a bit childish too to refuse to ever work or even look after your child on your bday. Usually when you become a parent, your needs drop down. Unless you’re a part time father it seems.

How many weeks of school holidays you’d like him to do depends on the DCs’ needs and wishes and your money situation.

You could do as the PP with experience of this did and say that DC or all the DC are available for pre arranged time with him for up to 1 or 2 additional weeks of the summer holiday.

If he declines and you think he’s unlikely to pay towards childcare, your options are limited.

In a couple of years your 10 year old should be fine to be home alone, especially with sibling(s). So if you can afford it childcare could be your best bet for now.

As a different angle - if they’d usually be with him two nights a week and that’s during the week then most logical extensions would say that that continues and the time that they’d usually be at school between those nights is for him to sort.

Equally - two days of holiday club over the summer is not an unreasonable imposition on a child.