To have confronted DH's cousin for flirting with him?

[Temporaryusernamename]

My husband and I have been together for 18 years, married for 12. We have two children, aged 15 and 13.

Years ago, long before our relationship, when DH and his female 1st cousin were teenagers, they had a brief, secret relationship with each other.

At first, I thought they just slept together, but over the years DH confided in me that he had slept with her once while staying at her house for a week during the summer holidays when they were both 16, but that they also wanted to be together but knew they could never tell anyone.

They lived in different parts of the country and rarely ever saw each other.

My DH has told me he's actually quite angry with his parents for putting them in this position. They were teenagers, who didn't grow up together, rarely saw each other, and yet when the family would meet up once or twice a year, they would always stay over and the kids would be put in the same room, on bunk beds and camp beds, without any thought of the fact that they were developing and going through puberty, just assuming they were innocent kids. He says the curiousity and strong feelings were inevitable and his parents and other adults should have been more responsible.

Anyway, noone at all knows what happened except DH, the cousin, and me.

When they reached young adulthood, the cousin emigrated to a different country and DH and I have only seen her twice in the last 15 years.
However, we are all currently all Holiday together! MIL recently won a large amount of money and took the whole extended family, 17 of us in total, away on a huge Holiday. Cousin is here.

We have been drinking every night and cousin, who is now in her late 30s, and doesn't have a husband or kids of her own, keeps relentlessly saying flirting with DH. Telling him he looks great in shorts, whistling when he takes his top off on the beach, making silly sexual jokes, and hugging him by coming up behind him and resting her head on his shoulder. Noone else seems to notice and DH says not to worry about it as he doesn't feel anything for her and nothing is going to happen and she's just being playful.
But I've noticed she's not like it with any other males here. Just DH.

The final straw for me came last night when she sat on DH's lap while we were all sitting around drinking and put her arms around his neck, and kissed his cheek.

DH just laughed and told her to get up then got up himself and went to the bar.

Again, we had all had quite a lot to drink.

A few minutes later, I went off to the toilet and she was coming back towards me. She was quite drunk and came over with her arms out in front of her to give me a hug. I stepped away and looked her right in the face. I said "Stop flirting with my husband. Don't think I don't know your history. If you come anywhere near him again, I will tell everyone about you two." She looked utterly shocked. I walked away. She must have gone straight to bed.
Today, she's been really quiet all day. Everyone's commented on it but they've just assumed she's really hungover.

MIL and I were sitting on the beach and she commented that this trip has been good for her. She's had a hard time lately as a bloke she was going to marry cheated on her with his ex wife and then went back to her. She's really benefitting from being with family to support her as she's so alone out there.

I feel really guilty for saying that to her last night. I just got so jealous seeing her sitting in his lap, looking amazing in her tiny sundress, knowing their history and she was probably his first love, and felt so insecure. The stupid fling they had was so long ago and they were young and I know at least DH deeply regrets it and is embarrassed about it.

I'm worried I've now ruined her holiday. I didn't know she was going through that. I've been chatting to her to be friendly and get to know her but she never mentioned it

Was I unreasonable?

I didn't say anything about thinking it's alright.. I actually implied otherwise. But in the eyes of the law, it IS perfectly ok and legal

It is legal in the UK and most European countries for first cousins to marry. However, in the US it is illegal in many states and considered a criminal offence in some!
According to recent guidance from the National Health Service (NHS) and various genetic studies:

• The risk of a child having a serious birth defect is approximately 3% for unrelated couples.
• For first cousins, that risk increases to about 4% to 7%.
• While the risk is higher, the vast majority (over 90%) of children born to first cousins do not have health issues related to their parents' kinship.

Even if first-cousin marriage is legal in a jurisdiction, many religious institutions (such as the Roman Catholic Church) require a special dispensation from a bishop to perform the ceremony.

Who fucking cares? We've all been dumped, we've all had shitty things happen to us, 99% of us didn't go and sleaze on our COUSINS or anybody else's husband.

She's vile. I am so glad you called her out on it. Now sort your horrible husband out.

It is incredibly fucking tedious. Poor op. Must be worse having an actual conversation with those posters, imagine trying to change the topic on them.
I don’t think the op did anything wrong, but her dh has let her down not shutting this down.

The problem is your DH blames his parents for leaving teenagers together and you somehow support this strange logic, whereas his parents reasonably assumed that if you say to your son this is your cousin, even if he doesn’t see her often he wouldn’t sleep with her because he would understand she is close relative. The fact that your DH had these feelings towards his cousin is on him and not on his parents. If I follow this strange logic, then if somehow your DH discovers he fathered a child in his young age with someone and this child will come to stay with you in her teenage years, your DS can sleep with her, because even if she is his half sister he hardly met her before and it is your fault.
people has problem with you normalising this logic and can’t concentrate on the story. If you have said that your DH is ashamed and can’t believe he has done it and blames himself, the reaction would have been different.

@Temporaryusernamename I think everyone is just (understandably) shocked and a bit horrified by the cousin-shagging part which to be fair is not easy to disregard. Remember, you’ve known this for years but a lot of people on here won’t have ever heard accounts of it actually happening! Some might not have even known it was legal!

FWIW no, imho you weren’t in the wrong to say what you did to her and I’m bloody glad you did say it tbh. Regardless of her being a cousin and even regardless of them having any history, she shouldn’t have been flirting with your husband! You wouldn’t accept any other woman sitting on your husband’s knee!?! Even a freshly-jilted, heartbroken one so her being his cousin is largely irrelevant though I do see why you mentioned their history!

At 16, can’t say I needed my parents to tell me shagging my auntie’s teen wasn’t on.

Again, not why OP posted. Most people feel cousin shagging is far from ideal.

Yep, agreed...

Christ what am I even reading, this is so utterly messed up,

they were 16, kids.
it isn’t his parents fault. How sick he blames them, at 16 most people know not to shag their cousins.
thirdly, you sound more jealous over her appearance rather than the fact she was “flirting” with your husband,
nothing was going to happen, he’s in a hotel room with you. She doesn’t live close to him. Neither of them are going to get back together.
if you feel dumpy or whatever, sort yourself out. What she wears and how she looks is irrelevant.

im shocked the vote is saying not unreasonable, I think people have thought she’s flirting and that’s it, but this is way more complex.

The point is - when combined with the DH’s utterly passive response to the current situation…. It indicates that it’s not only the cousin the OP should be concerned and pissed off with.

I couldn’t marry a man I knew slept with his own cousin. Sorry

Honestly, you’ve no idea how the cousin feels about what happened when she was 16, she possibly feels deeply ashamed. And it really doesn’t come across this is about the flirting but more you’re jealous of her, how she looks and dresses , so wanted to attack her.

if you think your husband is going to shag his cousin again, then he’s the issue.

I wouldn’t feel guilty. She deserved it

Clearly some of you didn't grow up in rural Norfolk.
Op, I hope you can take her to on side and apologise for the way you worded things. She shouldn't have flirted with your husband so don't apologise for calling her out on that.

Well the thread has certainly brought forth some weirdos that’s for sure.

I would be hurt by a DH not shutting this down himself and leave it with the vulnerable comments about the woman.It is wildly inappropriate unless both are single and flirting is going on and there are clear signals. Even if they hadn’t slept together, who does that? someone that has a skewed moral compass.

I am bored of people getting away with poor behaviour because they are having a bad time. DH sister behaved badly towards others when she was going through some issues. I just say you reap what you sow. She lost a couple of friends at the time, well maybe stop being horrible. I also refused to see her for a while.

You did the right thing speaking to her but you should have pulled aside your witless husband and had a strong word as well at the time.

I will go against the grain slightly.

I actually think what you said was not reasonable in respect to your husband rather than her. This is your life partner and he shared something confidential and highly embarrassing/potentially damaging with you because he trusts you and probably feels it's a bit of a dirty secret about something he now understands was very stupid. I think it says a lot in a positive way about how he sees you and your relationship that he told you.

In anger towards someone else (and maybe a bit towards him) you threatened to release that secret, and break your husband's trust. It's quite a big deal.

Only you know how things have been playing out, but it sounds like when it did get a bit much ie. She sat on his lap with arms around him, he DID tell her to stop. And when she didn't stop he got up and left.

As an aside, the story about this woman being left by her fiance (if flipped) does sound an awful lot like she might possibly have been having an affair with a married man. And if that's the case I have limited sympathy. My point being even now you don't have full facts on that situation.

Practical advice would be speak to your husband, apologise for comments made in anger, reassure you have zero intention of outing any secrets, but explain what you feel uncomfortable about and ask that he addresses it.

Deeply ashamed? Love, she was sat on his knee! Does that sound like she’s ‘deeply ashamed’ to you!?!

Surely he would be sleeping with his child in this example, not his half sister? And he would know it was his child and there would be a big age gap. The comparison doesn't stand.

The main problem here is that you launched an attack at her when you were emotional (feeling jealous and insecure) and drunk. That is always going to feel terrible.

It is also completely human to feel insecure seeing a gorgeous woman draped all over your husband in a tiny dress especially if you're feeling a bit drab yourself. That's not her fault of course but give yourself a break. A pp a few pages back outlined perfectly how they have a shared secret and you can't call out the behaviour as then you'd look like the weirdo for accusing cousins. So you're essentially gagged.

The woman sounds a mess. The 'man she was going to marry' indeed. She was no doubt his mistress and your MIL has bought the romantic fictitious rewrite.

I had a friend for years who was like this woman; very sexy and good-looking, lurching from one drama to the next, sleeping with her male friends when they had relationship trouble then getting angry when the dynamic changed when the men stayed with their partners. Honestly she is to be pitied.

I hope yesterday went ok. It's probably too late now but the best thing you could do is say "listen I reached my limit and lashed out, I was drunk and tired and had enough. I'm sorry for the threats I made and I don't intend to betray my husbands confidence. But you need to get yourself together, you shouldn't be draped all over married men, it's really inappropriate."

Sounds like all the adults in this holiday need to stop drinking. Can’t imagine how shite this must be for other holidaymakers to be in this vicinity of the huge drunk family group.

Haven't RTFT but man alive does your husband take responsibility for anything ever?! He had to have sex with his cousin because he was put in that position, he gets to be hugged and kissed and flirted with by another woman in front of his wife because he knows he won't be the one getting the full brunt of her anger

Anyway no you haven't ruined the holiday, the cousin has stopped her behaviour so job done! Even if there is an atmosphere nobody will blame you, all the family members were probably uncomfortable themselves watching the two of them!

I think you were entirely reasonable and well done you for calling her out.

It sounds like the cousin was looking for an ego boost after her recent situation and thought she could use your DH because no one knew about their history. She was probably enjoying the idea of a few touchy-feely moments and everyone around them being oblivious - oooh look how naughty we are!

You calling her out has blown her cover - her ego boost didn't include being confronted by his angry wife.

It's sad that she's had a hard time recently but that's not your problem and doesn't excuse her behaviour. Don't apologise to her and if you're feeling guilty then just ask yourself this - what sort of person makes themself feel better by targeting a married man?

She behaved terribly, and when called out on it has been humiliated.

good! She has poor social boundaries.

im not impressed with your husband though for not telling her himself, there is no way my husband would just laugh this off etc

"My husband likes the game Incest the Whole Family Can Play" nek minute it's "I'm not telling youse so THERE". What a thread!