Not to tell DD her grandad is really ill

[Milly16]

DD 16 is about to start her GCSEs. Her grandad has been ill for a few months and has recently really deteriorated. She knows he's a bit poorly but not how bad. I don't know he'll be alive once her GCSEs are finished. I know she'd be devastated not to have the chance to say goodbye, though in any event he doesnt really want visitors. She is already extremely stressed about her exams and only just coping and i'm worried finding out will completely derail her. AIBU not to tell her how ill her grandad is until her exams are over?

You need to let her know. Should the worst happen you can't just drop that he's passed away on her after she's finished. GCSEs last weeks surely at some point during this time she will want to go and see him?

It's best to tell her asap because if he dies you won't be able to hide it and it'll be worse tell her now, spending a few last hours with her grandad probably won't derail her exams finding out he died the night before an exam might 16 is far too old to hide the truth. It's painful and I'm sorry but tell her asap

Please tell her. Her exams might provide distraction anyway. But she needs to know she can trust you to tell her things she needs to know. Any child over the age of about 10 really does need to know these things (all things being equal).

You must tell her.

Exams are not final. Death is. Please tell her.

This. Take her to visit

In some ways it may even help if it distracts her from anxiety and gives her perspective of what's important. 2 of my kids do best when they care less.

That should say 'distracts her from exam anxiety'

Exams over a dying grandparent
Really.
Im sure some sort of special re sit or something can happen.. dont be sp academically focused
Humans are way more important..her grandad.
Unreal.

My dad didn't tell me my grandad had very aggressive cancer during my uni exams and while I did get to say goodbye, I lost out on months where I would have made a special effort to spend time with him instead of pissing about at my university (a bus ride from home). I'm still gutted about it. Tell her.

Thanks - i think you're all right. Just told my younger child and will tell her when she gets back from her friend's house. I don't think he wants any visitors (we asked) but she could send a message, write a card etc. As someone said, if he dies before she finishes her exams we won't be able to keep it from her anyway and it will be more shocking and upsetting at that point.

I would say you need to tell her. If/when he dies, you can't hide that and all that goes with it and she will likely not take kindly to having been kept in the dark.

Please also speak to her school and the exams officer. If he does die during the exams, she may be entitled to special considerations that the exam officer can apply for.

Geez. GCSE exams are not important in the grand scheme of things. She will always hold it against you that she didn’t get to say goodbye properly.

To be fair, we've only just found out how much he's deteriorated - my PIL are both in denial - and her first exam is in 2 days. I don't think exams are more important than people, obviously

I agree with others that you should tell her. I was in a similar situation a number of years ago when we got the terrible news that my mum had terminal cancer.My DD had just started her standard grades (Scotland) and was obviously very upset when we told her. I worried that she might not perform her best in the exams,but she got top grades in all her subjects.My mum passed away a few days after DD got her results.

You can retake exams.
You can't redo (final) goodbyes.

It depends on what his prognosis is and what he would want. My DGM died while I was doing my finals and I wasn't told she was dying or had died until after my last exam (I think she died the day before it). That is exactly what she would have wanted and I absolutely knew that. Education meant everything to her and she clung on just long enough to see all of her grandchildren through university.

When my FIL was dying, he didn't want to see his grandchildren. He wanted them to remember him as he had been, not the very unwell version he became. We respected that too.

I was abroad when my granddad died and my parents waited until the weekend to tell me so it didn't impact my work. It's been 25 years and I am still utterly baffled by their decision.

If it helps my mum died when I was 17 and in summer holiday in the middle of my a levels. They didn't really discuss how ill she was with me, I think they thought I would realise. I was in denial until about a fortnight before and it hit me really hard. I doubt it would have made any difference but I could have had a conversation with mum about what a great mum she was and I didn't.

My grandad died just before my GCSE’s started. I was told straight away and I’m glad of that.

It sounds like you've made the correct decision OP, however hard.

I just wanted to say that my parents were (and still are) obsessed with not telling people bad news until they think it's the right time. This has led to me having real anxiety about this stuff as an adult, I just don't trust them to keep me informed. Whenever I come back from holiday I'm really stressed out expecting bad news because they absolutely wouldn't tell me while I was away.

Don't set your kids up for a lifetime of this!

Poor OP is just trying to navigate a horrible situation, I’m sure they’re trying their best, so need to be so snarky

Thanks all. I just told her. She's sad but it was the right decision. I'll get her a card tomorrow so she can write whatever she wants to say. We'll visit if he changes his mind

I think you 100% made the right call. My nan died during my GCSEs and my parents didn't let me go to the funeral as I had an exam that day. It wasn't a discussion they decided.

even today I vividly remember sitting in that exam crying my eyes out, it was awful and I wanted to be with my family,

I hope your fil has a peaceful time, you sound like you're doing a good job

If you don’t tell her she will never forgive you and it will massively impact your relationship. It isn’t yours to keep from her