AIBU to think my sister is projecting her regrets onto me?

[TheAgileOP]

DH (40) and I (40) have been together since we were 19 we met on our first day of uni. From the beginning we always said we didn’t want to rush into settling down and wanted to travel first, and that’s exactly what we did.
After graduating we spent about 18 months in South America volunteering, doing odd jobs, teaching in schools etc. I learnt Spanish (still fluent now) and we had an amazing time. We tried coming back and doing the whole city job thing but it just wasn’t for us, so we carried on travelling on and off for years.

We were very lucky financially I inherited about £300k from my grandad at 25 and DH had some money from a trust fund so we had the freedom to live like that.

We ended up getting married at 36 and had our first baby last August. I absolutely love being a mum and I’m so glad we had our son, but I’m also really glad we waited. I feel ready now and don’t feel like I’ve missed out on anything.

My sister is 3 years older than me and made very different choices. She also inherited a decent amount from our grandad but chose to use it to buy a house with her ex-husband. They got married at 27 had two children, and then divorced. She’s now remarried to someone who is genuinely lovely, so it’s not like she’s in a bad place now.

But over the years there’s been a definite undercurrent from her towards me, and more recently it feels like constant sly comments. When we were travelling she’d say we were “running away from real life”, when we came back and didn’t settle into careers she’d tell us to “grow up”, and when we got married later she made digs about it being “about time”.

Even during my pregnancy and birth she was quite judgemental. I chose to have a water birth with no medication (all approved and it went completely fine), but she made comments about that and about my age which just felt unnecessary.

Recently I mentioned we might like another child and she rolled her eyes, laughed and called me selfish, saying “you and him have had all this time just having fun and now you want to take things seriously?”

What I don’t understand is where this has come from. Growing up and well into our 20s we were really close genuinely close, no big fallouts, nothing bad between us at all. That’s why I find this shift so confusing.

Now it just feels like there’s a lot of judgement from her, and the only way I can make sense of it is that there’s some resentment there about how differently our lives have turned out. She had the same financial opportunities but chose a different path, and I do wonder if she has some regrets, even if she wouldn’t admit it.
I know I’m not completely innocent (I did say years ago she could have travelled before settling down, which she didn’t like), but this feels like more than that.

My sister is far more successful than I am and than I’ll ever be. I’m unsure why it seems as though she resents me.

DH and I are settled into our jobs. I work in policy in civil service and DH is head of maths at an independent school, we are so content with our life. My sister thinks I need to be more ambitious and says I seem lazy, she is on a very high income but seems quite judgmental on DH and I.

I think the replies to this show that no matter what you do in life someone will take issue with you and it will always be filtered through their own experiences and a lot of times resentments rather than be an actual critique of your life.

You seem to have had the best of all worlds @TheAgileOP (from what you’ve put here at least) and for every person that says good for you, there will be another that says you’re smug and your sister is right to be an arse because seeing others have a ‘charmed’ life triggers something in them.

I don’t think you are at all for what it’s worth.

I can understand that having someone belittle and criticise you for not making the same choices as them and then do the same when you do make the same choices is frustrating. But it’s a reflection of her not you. Nothing you do will break her out of this pattern because it’s giving her something she isn’t otherwise getting from your relationship.

It often seems like the only thing that will satisfy someone like this is your life falling apart or some great loss but when that happens - and no one’s life is charmed forever - they’ll either revel in it and you realise they aren’t someone you want in your life or they realise they don’t feel any better and are wracked with guilt.

Smile, nod, move on. Don’t give her any reaction or bite back.

The OP would be well within her rights to say to the sister 'Not my fault you regret settling down to boredom too early, stop being to jealous of my great memories!'.

What she says doesn’t even make sense, she’s jealous that everything has turned out well for you.

“you and him have had all this time just having fun and now you want to take things seriously?”

Well, yes? What exactly is the problem here?

She chose the “sensible” route and unfortunately her marriage didn’t work out. You’ve had fun, stayed with your first love, slipped seamlessly into being a parent even after all that freedom.. you have been lucky. That’s where the resentment lies.

I have a friend a bit like this. She is absolutely lovely when things are going badly but when my life is going well there are constant little digs. I assume she is just jealous. It is a bit wearing though. I find myself exaggerating any negative stuff just to keep her happy!

I guess it could be quite irksome if you were earning way more money than a close relative and yet they seemed just as happy as you, if not happier.

She finds you annoying! Not everyone is going to love you. Just accept it.

Yes, exactly. You are the annoying little sister, and you won't ever be able to do anything about that.
Maybe your parents created an expectation that you girls would get the top marks, go to uni, get a good job and settle down etc.? Your sister followed all the rules and did everything right, and you took a risk and went against the expectation, and got away with it. What were your parents' views of your choices - you didn't lose their approval?
You will be making your sister feel shit just by existing and you can't change it, it's baked in. Sorry

Wow! Sorry, this is your issue and not objective reality.

I am not an adherent of so called ‘natural’ childbirth- quite the contrary - but there is nothing to suggest smugness etc in the post, just a different choice or different luck to someone else.

I don’t agree. I see no smugness as you put it, just a woman who’s made her choices and is happy. Those who are not in that position or who are narrow minded enough to resent others making different choices may resent that - but that’s their problem.

This pretty much nails it.

Also - when she was getting married and having children I assume you were on the other side of the world somewhere on some trust fund adventure? Do you even know what her births were like?

Now that you're back and having babies and expecting everyone to be delighted, she's probably thinking 'where the fuck were you when I was going through it?'

I may be projecting here. But when I was pregnant with my two, my younger sibling could not have been less interested. However, when they got married and their partner became pregnant, you would have thought she was the first woman in the history of humanity ever to have been pregnant. Such was the fawning and the fanfare. Yes, it was irritating and there may have been one or two barbed comments!

It didn't sound that at all.

If people are offended by someone having an uncomplicated water birth. The issue is with them. No one else.

I wonder if when you went travelling and having fun your DSis told herself it didn't matter because she had a DH, children and a steady job, now you have all that as well it annoys her. It's a bit sad but that's her problem

This made me laugh so much, "first woman in the world to ever have been pregnant"😂 I can so imagine it!!

It was a long nine months.

That’s ridiculous! I also had a straightforward birth with no meds for both my children; it’s not something I talk about because apparently unless you’ve been in labour for 48 hours and had all the drugs, you’re smug! 🤪

Absolutely mental…!

I have very little patience and if my sister was like this with me I’d probably tell her to fuck off 🤣

'dear sis, what is going on for you that you think it's ok to say that kind of thing to me?'

Her attitude is odd . Your choices are your business not hers. You are happy with the choices you made and that's all that matters.
It sounds as though either she isn't happy with the path she chose or she wants you to be a clone of her.
Can you just tell her that you are happy and can't she be happy for you

Weird comments from your sister. But do you think you might come across as smug at all?

Agee, I chose a water birth, my body chose 2 failed ventouses, being cut, forceps and a baby whose head was shaped like the forceps when she finally decided to come out.

Maybe she is trying to put you off in a kind way, given there can be medical issues at your age.

You have had a golden life so far. Could you cope with it being not so golden if you had a child that had major issues. Are you strong enough for that.

Perhaps that is what your sister is trying to protect from. Not Jealousy.

no advise really OP as my sister and I are close and she is far more educated and successful than I but I just wanted to say well done to you and your husband. I hear what you say about being ready. We were the same, (not the inheritance bit or meeting at university) we met early 30’s - did loads before we met and after we married did lots too (together and separately) and still do. I am so pleased we waited for our baby. Like all mew parents some days are harder than others BUT I don’t feel pressured/rushed. I can afford to stay home until she goes to school (she will likely go away to school) and I would like to go back to work or maybe hubby and I just pick up some of the stuff we used to do! Example we spent a year following the grand prix circuit as we both enjoy the sport! I am often called lucky, privileged, spoilt and I honestly don’t care, I made conscious decisions to get/do what I wanted when I wanted and it paid off long term.
i think everyone should own their choices and not compare themselves to anyone as what is right for you might not be right for me!

It can be as simple as being very different individuals and considering different priorities as being important. There's no wrong and right way in anything in life, but there's the best way for each individual, whether in a couple/relationship or otherwise. As we grow up, too many of us get judgemental and do it using our personal judgement for others and their choices...

My brother has a lot to say in a snide and demeaning way. I've ignored it for too long as I'm a diplomat...and think his judgement is his problem. Not mine.

But it still hurts and rankles in equal measure.

You could choose to sit her down and talk to her... Or you could ignore it. But don't let it get to you. You do you exactly as you are. Many congratulations in living life your way. * Standing ovation* and without hurting anyone.

The OP knows she made a judgement/comment years ago implying she'd made better choices than her sister - it's the comment she'll own up to, to herself, but it won't be the only one she made either consciously or unconsciously. It's classic sibling rivalry that many, many siblings honestly deny they engage in... but we do, whether we mean to or not. Which is why the OP made the comment she did and is why she cannot shake off her sister's comments despite being so content in her life and is posting on MN about it.

I think it’s envy, OP. Similar scenario with me however my sister had similar behaviour over the years. She hasn’t got a partner and/or children and I’ve never commented (aside here just now briefly to explain). She felt free to make endless remarks and judgements for many years about my partner and DC, and making drama for me and my own little family. Every time I would defend my position. It was at the expense of many family relationships that fell apart as a result. We have both come to the realisation that we want to get along and we are now pretty good but not sure how it will end (will we stay in contact?). It is too volatile of a past from the damage she has done.