AIBU to feel irritated when my mother-in-law compares my baby?

[jmrpinkie]

Some lighthearted curiosity to see how other people would feel.

I have two kids! Generally great relationship with my partners in laws. MIL is slightly overbearing but no doubt we can irritate her in our ways too.

A couple things the weekend just gone have annoyed me. One is talking over me when I’m parenting older child. I’d never say anything to her. I just stay calm and keep directing and repeating what I am saying to my son.

But this irritates me more. Again I would never say anything but just wondering if it’s just me. She keeps saying how similar our baby girl is to her own daughter (partners sister). Oh Jess used do that, she’s got Jess’s facial expressions, her hair is going to be the same as Jess’s, oh I can see many many similarities to Jess etc etc. and I even heard her talking to her saying oh hi Jess you little sausage or something. She looks nothing like her for some context.

is it unreasonable that it grates on me?!?

I read somewhere that there's a strong subconscious need on the fathers side to look hard for family characteristics. It's cave man stuff. As a mum we know the child is ours, and our mum is blood related automatically too.

The fathers family though have to rely on the mother's word for it being his and to look for family similarities to be sure of their DNA being there and not an imposters.

It's a fascinating idea.

She doesn't know your family so obviously shes going to see her family's characteristics. How are mumnetters this arseholey about tiny things their mother in law does then wonder why their relationship is poor. My mother in law could see much of her family in my son and was really excited to share that, but I didn't get in a knot over it. Shes equally the Nan.

My mil does it too.our 4th child is absolutely adorable and smiley. So of course it's because he's exactly like my husband as a baby. Funnily enough my sister says he looks exactly like me

It's annoying but also completely normal. She's bonding with the baby by ensuring it's part of her family.

My Nan never stopped talking about how I looked exactly like members of her family until she died, even drove my DF - her own son - nuts as I very obviously looked exactly like my DM and still do.

Ultimately it backfired for her because when I was old enough to notice it made me not want to spend time with her as it felt like she was criticizing my mum.

Oh its harmless , shes just reminiscing and reliving

My MIL actively favours the one who resembles her family most in looks and temperament. To my other daughter she recently said “you are getting more and more like your mother”. ie fat. She means fat

I also find it annoying! But wouldn’t say anything as I know it’s natural and coming from a place of love. Doesn’t make it any less irritating though I just try and smile and nod! ive not had it too bad so far as my first is a son who really does look like DH and I love those comparisons, also DH is great at pointing out my mannerisms and similarities infront of in-laws which I really appreciate. Due a girl in 5 weeks and I already know the “oh she looks just like SIL” comments are going to sting. It’s not rational but there you go!

Interesting to read previous posters say abouts Dads side of the family needing to look out for traits etc, I had never thought of that but it does make sense!

I will try my hardest not to make lots of comments when my brother and his wife have kids and also when I’m a MIL (hopefully!) in the future

My MIL is the queen of this. Like, mutliple comments every time I see her- 1-2 times a week for the last 8 years.

I've got zero issue with it. Sometimes she's right, sometimes not so much. She's just remembering her kids when they were young and enjoying seeing the similarities and differences.

I'll be the same when I have grandkids I reckon

Totally harmless and, actually quite sweet IMO.

Those who are saying why does it bother you haven't really realised how constant it can be.

It's not "look, do like Uncle Joey's little nose", we're talking about:
"Oh look at how they open their mouth for a spoon. Joey did it just like that. Oh they're trying to take the spoon: Kate did that, they're so like Kate. Look at them turn their head away when you're wiping their face, Simon always did that too. Oh they put their arms up to be picked up, Simon did just like that too. Oh see they're just like Aunty Kate, tired after a meal. They turned their head when I put the tap on, did you see? Joey never could resist the noise of a tap..."

And that's just half an hour of it. It's the constant analysing every movement, most of which are common across many children to be like them that grates.
And when you've had a weekend from morning to night of it, you may want to scream.

Really interesting @LaisteThanks!

Thank goodness for a note of sanity! So many insecure mothers threatened by perfectly normal comments about family resemblances.

I’ve experienced this too from my MIL! When we showed her our 12 week scan photo, she rushed to get hers off my partner from a box upstairs so she could say how alike they were. Yes, based on a 12 week scan photo. All through my pregnancy she kept talking about how the baby had a big head like his dad. Then when he was born, it was constant references to how much he looks like my partner. My partner and I are both really dark haired and our baby is blonde yet she still manages to say he got his blonde hair from their side of the family, despite not one of them being blonde. Every time he giggles, moves, or even breathes it’s “oh his daddy used to do it the exact same way when he was a baby!”

My MIL does this and it drives me mad.

DD does look a lot like me, everyone comments on it. But MIL will always go on about how she's just like DH's older sister at that age.

The other two are so funny i can no longer find them anything other than amusing.

Both my children were very blond when born and young but have hair turning progressively darker now they're in junior school. MIL shoots me evil looks as she says very angrily 'they used to be so blonde, DH was blond at their age so this darker hair must come from YOU'. Despite me being mid brown and DH being very dark brown haired now.

And whenever DD does something clever, MIL says 'she gets her brains from her grandfather' meaning her own husband. Who left school at 14 to become a very average builder. Whereas I have a PhD in science from a top university. However he often gets a half decent score on Popmaster, which is evidence of his superior brains.

Riles me that nothing positive can ever be attributed to me, esp since i birthed her only grandchildren. But she did a very good job with her own son, my DH, so I let it go. Funnily enough she never says things like this when he's around as he picks her up on them.

@Laiste so interesting. Love that! Does make sense!

@MargaretThursday yeah totally agree. A few comments from people saying the mums getting annoyed about this are ridiculous but yeah I think there are varying degrees. I have a fab relationship with my mother in law. I would never say anything ok this and I humour her and just smile and nod but it does secretly (and now sharing here lol) grate on me especially when she calls her her daughters name. But I totally take the points on how she is just reminiscing and seeing similarities and I will almost certainly do that too but I do think the odd comment asking was I like this or that would soften it!

Mine did that too and it drove me crazy. DD looks a lot like me and my brother/father. But mil insisted from day 1 that she looked like my SIL. It was almost to the level of wanting to deny that my child looked like me, if anyone said anything about how she looked like me or her hair was like mine, mil would immediately start saying no no her hair is exactly like SILs was when she was little, even though sil herself would say ‘mum she looks nothing like me’

It reduced though as DD got older and undeniably more like me. My younger DS is an exact copy of DH so saying that seems to satisfy her now. It completely stopped after SIL had her own daughter, who looks nothing like my DD and a lot like her own father. But mil now likes to insist how she looks exactly like her mother and not like her father. 😂