AIBU to feel irritated when my mother-in-law compares my baby?

[jmrpinkie]

Some lighthearted curiosity to see how other people would feel.

I have two kids! Generally great relationship with my partners in laws. MIL is slightly overbearing but no doubt we can irritate her in our ways too.

A couple things the weekend just gone have annoyed me. One is talking over me when I’m parenting older child. I’d never say anything to her. I just stay calm and keep directing and repeating what I am saying to my son.

But this irritates me more. Again I would never say anything but just wondering if it’s just me. She keeps saying how similar our baby girl is to her own daughter (partners sister). Oh Jess used do that, she’s got Jess’s facial expressions, her hair is going to be the same as Jess’s, oh I can see many many similarities to Jess etc etc. and I even heard her talking to her saying oh hi Jess you little sausage or something. She looks nothing like her for some context.

is it unreasonable that it grates on me?!?

I just say ‘Comparisons are odious’ on repeat. No explanations.

Love that!!

Mine does this, drives me insane. I think my MIL believes I played no part in the creation of my children because they supposedly look exactly like her own family, even some distant cousins or some crap. Down to the smallest things as well, daughter likes a certain sandwich filling, MIL says ‘well she got that from my brother’ 🙄🙄🙄

It’s so annoying isn’t it?? I think because when my own mom does it (and she def doesn’t do to the same extent) I just say sure she’s a baby she’s her own person or all babies are the same and my mum jokes and sees the funny side to it. But also I get if she said she looks like my partner or traits like my partner but because she always says his sister and she used do the same with my son. I don’t get it?!?!

I’d keep telling her your baby is her own person, an individual and should not be compared, it makes her sound as though she finds her lacking.

It's very annoying and I sympathise with you - but also probably done without any bad intent! Best ignored if you can

Yep anything my baby does 'thats the <insert family name> tongue/ roll/wave.
Basically any baby or toddler milestone seems to have been done by her children first 🤣.

If i even dare mention 'oh i looked at child the other day and seen my mum' she will come from another room and say something about her family.

Mine used to do this! It definitely used to grate on me. The way she spoke you would think my kids only had a father and no mother! I just didn’t engage with it and let her rattle on.

My partners mother compares everything to her own children, it's almost as bad as if there is a letter L in a name it will be "oh that's the same as X" to the point that of we had have had children I would have struggled even naming them without comparison let alone anything else!

Just say you don’t see it. Occasionally vary by saying ‘It’s funny how people can only see their own family in a baby.’

My DS got his blue eyes and blonde hair from DH but in every other respect was my double (brown eyes and almost black hair). MIL couldn’t see it at all and claimed he was all their side until the day I showed her a black and white picture on my phone which she asked if she could have a copy of. That’s when I told her it was an ancient picture of my older (half) DB. That put her gas at a peep!

She’s marking her territory by identifying the child as a member of her family. My mum did this constantly when my brother’s kids were young. “Oh look how he takes after his dad with the shape of his little finger!” “Oh his dad was exactly the same at that age” and so on….

This is very normal behaviour for the dad’s mother, who so often feels left out because her DIL quite naturally & understandably looks to her own mum for help, support & guidance with her child.

My Mil went through a stage of doing that when dd1 was small. They'd come to stay for a weekend and literally everything she did was compared to one of her dc.

Eventually we were going to the park, and I put my hand out to dd1 to take her hand and she put her hands behind her back: "Oh! Look! My dc3 used to walk round like that all the time".
So I pointed out that she wasn't doing it all the time, she'd done it to say she didn't want to hold hands.
"They used to do it because of that too..."
Along with about 90% of all children...
She never was quite as bad as after that weekend.

Why does it annoy you
Isn't it natural she is just noting the family similarity. I don't see the issue.
My mother and in law did the same and I say similar things when my grandchildren remind me of my children

Did she know you as a child, and did she know your family as children? Is she avoiding making comparisons with people whose looks and mannerisms she’s known all their lives? If so, that is very odd, yes. Usually one compares things to things one is familiar with.
Are you suggesting she has blocked all her memories of you as a baby from her mind? That seems strange.

My MIL is like this. I apparently look nothing like my own children, nor have I passed on any characteristics. She said my newest baby looks like our nephew (her DD’s son) and that my DH is “twins” with my DS, who everyone else says looks like me. I think it’s an almost universal MIL thing though so I just smile while internally rolling my eyes.

I don't understand why any of you are bothered about this.
It's normal and natural for women to see the mannerisms of their own children in the next generation.

You'll do it too, in twenty-five years' time.

Just to add, my own mum has been telling my SIL that her new DS looks exactly like me as a baby and showing her baby photos. I don’t think she means harm.

Oh I love this perspective. Thanks for sharing. And as a mother of a son if I do end up with a DIL I’m sure I may have similar feels.

Oh God, MILs and the new baby looking like or acting like their blood offspring is a tale as old as time. She’ll never let up OP, if she’s that way inclined she’ll keep at it throughout school.

Until, your DC is a super brain box and her offspring were as thick as pigshit, then she’ll have nothing to say.thats your only saviour.

And she’ll not acknowledge any part of you looking or acting like the child.

Its just the law with some MILs.

i guess because it feels like she’s saying she is only like her children and my children look and behave nothing like me. But of course I’m sure she isn’t meaning that. She didn’t know me so she can’t relate any traits to me.

probably totally irrational on my part!!!

I can understand that it’s irritating because your own baby is beautiful and unique. On the other hand, what she’s doing is linking your DD into the family in a well meaning way.

Just imagine the horror if she said your DD looks like a changeling.

Yes I imagine it’s totally natural. Loving all the different perspectives. I’m going to try be less irritated as I love her and as many have said she totally means no harm or anything by it.

She recognises her own baby girl in her baby granddaughter. Hardly strange… and they ARE related and likely share the most DNA outside of you and your husband (aunts and uncles share 17-34%).

No, we see things in different ways, I think some people look similar to others, for example a relative who to me looks exactly like a particular celeb, but other people don't. It's not right or wrong, unless of course someone was trying to be offensive,