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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Shady behaviour or am I overreacting?

34 replies

Mamamia600 · 03/05/2026 10:30

My boyfriend and I have been together a year and a half. In most ways he has been a perfect boyfriend in that time, charming, lovely, goes above and beyond for me, treated me nicely.

Bit of a random back story. When we first got together he was married but splitting up from his wife and at the time he asked me to use Snapchat to communicate with him (we are in our 30s it’s absurd I know) because his ex wife was checking his phone etc while she still lived there.

Obviously we don’t use Snapchat now to communicate but I did see the icon on his phone the other day and asked him if he still uses it. It turns out there are 3 females on this Snapchat account that he keeps in contact with and has done for years. He has been honest with me in telling me this but only when I asked, I have been oblivious to this for a year and a half. Two are exes from years ago. One is a female friend that his ex wife didn’t like him talking to.

To start with when he told me it didn’t bother me as I thought well he’s been honest with me, told me when he could have covered it up. But the more I think about it the more bothered I am about it. It’s shady, and a bit underhand, also if they were just friends I don’t wouldn’t have a problem with them being friends if he was open about it from the start. Now I am questioning why would a man want to keep in contact with two exes but also the other female on Snapchat!? Would I be unreasonable to call him out on this now?

He is a builder by trade and has a lot of female clients who adore him (as I said he’s charming) and now I’m starting to feel insecure about the whole relationship because of the Snapchat situation.

OP posts:
Kaltenzahn · 03/05/2026 10:33

Shady. I would bet his poor wife had no idea they were "separated" when he was messaging you on Snapchat.

ChristAliveHelp · 03/05/2026 10:34

He’s cheating and he was cheating on his wife with you. A leopard doesn’t change his spots, he’s probably got a few women on the goS

Fluffyholeysocks · 03/05/2026 10:36

How many of his female clients 'adore' him?

Firefly100 · 03/05/2026 10:37

Hmm. You had to use Shapchat because he was separating from his wife but she was checking is phone? Seriously? If they were separating why would it be a problem even if she did check his phone and saw the messages? Presumably the issue was that he hadn’t actually informed his wife at that point that they were separating!
On the basis he has clearly already had one affair (you) then yes, he is statistically more likely to do it again.

8misskitty8 · 03/05/2026 10:38

You were one of those women. You were just upgraded ftom Snapchat.

He was 'splitting up' from his wife when you met,? rubbish. He was cheating.
He'll have given the same line to the other Snapchat women.

DeskGnome · 03/05/2026 10:38

I've owned my home for 31 years and I can't recall a builder whom I've every adored and felt the need to Snapchat with.

toomuchfaff · 03/05/2026 10:57

So if you are in the midst of separating, why are you checking your stbx phone?

She wouldnt care surely? they were separating.

Because you were the OW.

And hes a cheater

And he will cheat again when you are "seperating".

Whether you know you're separating is another matter, maybe youre just at the "let me check you phone stage"

Maybe that is what seperating means...

Brightbluesomething · 03/05/2026 11:22

You were happy for him to cheat when you were the OW, but now the shoes on the other foot it’s a problem?
You can stay and stress or be gaslit about it, probably just like his wife was. Or stop being quite so naive and find a man who doesn’t do this. Better still, stay single until you can recognise the massive red flags that you’ve glossed over so far.

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 03/05/2026 11:27

Why are you referring to women as ‘females’, but he gets called a ‘man’?

The entire Snapchat thing was obviously nonsense. You were the OW (albeit unknowingly). When you vacated that spot, it was filled by your understudies.

Tillow4ever · 03/05/2026 11:28

That random backstory isn’t even slightly random op - it’s kind of key to the whole thing. It shows you his MO. He uses Snapchat to hide evidence from his current partner. Given that he was clearly cheating on his wife with you, it’s likely he uses it for cheating. You were probably not the only woman he was seeing behind his wife’s back.

I’d suggest getting an STI test and your ducks in a row. Watch his behaviour from now on and see if he’s cheating on you. Or if you think k he might be, just end it anyway.

LeebLeefuhLurve · 03/05/2026 11:29

I think he's a lying cheating sack of shit whose wife probably didn't know they were 'separated' at the time.

Littlejellyuk · 03/05/2026 11:35

So basically YOU WERE THE OW, and have only just realised this after viewing his snapchat? 🤦🏻‍♀️

Now he's behaving the same way and you have finally cottoned on? 🫠
A leopard doesn't change his spots 🐆

Get your ducks in a row AND LTB PRONTO!
🦆🦆🦆 @Mamamia600

StandOutSpace · 03/05/2026 11:45

Litterally echo what everyone here has said are you really so blind op!!

creamygoodness · 03/05/2026 11:55

Nobody that has ended things with their wife also lets their wife check their phone. Surely that was obviously a lie?

It's also obvious that you can't trust him as far as you can throw him.

TheseWordsAreMine · 03/05/2026 13:59

Get tested for STI's

Sunisgettinganewhaton · 03/05/2026 14:02

Wow his ego needs a lot of stroking doesn't it?
Ltb. He's taking the piss imo.

TheseWordsAreMine · 03/05/2026 14:24

You might be the end connection of a polycule.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 03/05/2026 14:26

This is so obvious, to the point of embarrassing 😳 sorry OP.

FMc208 · 03/05/2026 14:39

The ONLY people that use Snapchat are teenagers and people who cheat. How old is your boyfriend?

Also sorry to say but he was doing the same with you, he wasn’t ’splitting Up’ with his wife.

MabelRoyds · 03/05/2026 14:43

TheseWordsAreMine · 03/05/2026 14:24

You might be the end connection of a polycule.

This sounds like a line from Dr Who. What does it mean?

TheseWordsAreMine · 03/05/2026 15:17

MabelRoyds · 03/05/2026 14:43

This sounds like a line from Dr Who. What does it mean?

A polycule is a group of people that have different relationships with each other. I am part of a 5 person relationship. I have 1 boy friend and 2 girlfriends. Not all of us have sex with each other. But all 5 of us have sex with at least one person. If you put the word into google and click images you will see some cartoon diagrams of how big they can be. Some don't actually involve sex just intimacy.

MabelRoyds · 03/05/2026 15:30

@TheseWordsAreMine , I love your username in this context. Thanks for explaining. Interesting word. It’s describing people that that are in a social and or sexual network, basically. Does it fit in this situation, with the op not knowing the others involved? One could be unknowingly in a polycule? Whereas, for example, one couldn’t be unknowingly polyamorous?

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 03/05/2026 15:35

Once a cheater always a cheater.

Babymamamama · 03/05/2026 15:36

Karma. Sorry.

TheseWordsAreMine · 03/05/2026 15:39

MabelRoyds · 03/05/2026 15:30

@TheseWordsAreMine , I love your username in this context. Thanks for explaining. Interesting word. It’s describing people that that are in a social and or sexual network, basically. Does it fit in this situation, with the op not knowing the others involved? One could be unknowingly in a polycule? Whereas, for example, one couldn’t be unknowingly polyamorous?

It is very possible for someone to be involved but not know it or know who is part of it.

When its a consenting thing it's above board. To be on the outskirts of it is a form of abuse.