To think I've fucked up my life? What next

[Tooduls]

So I was a housewife, I was due to start on a degree and became pregnant. I deferred and went when DS was 1. My DH started domestically abusing me and it turned out he had done many bad things, so me and DS fled, and I paused my degree.

I went to live with my aunt and uncle with DS, and tried to carry on with my degree, which meant staying away from them and DS in the week as my course isn't offered by universities local to them, but ex took me to family court for access to DS, so I took time out og uni to deal with that.

Then I tried to go back and DS was sexually abused at nursery. I miss DS terribly when I am apart from him, and he misses me. I hate being away from him, he loves my auntie, but my uncle is a grump who shouts at him. Because so much has happened, I just want to drop out and stay close to DS.

I can't transfer degree as I have used up too much funding, so I probably would have to be degreeless if I dropped out, but I hate my degree now, as it reminds me of the bad times with my husband and with DS getting abused, but equally I would be better off financially if I can get through it, so better able to provide for DS.

But if I carry on, I would have two more years of only seeing DS at weekends and the thought makes me want to throw up and cry. I just want any and all the advice I can get, as I feel so stuck

Im sorry youve been through this but I would say you need to stay with your ds and find a job and try and get a house- are you on a waiting list. Its a lot to ask of anyone to bring up your child for most of the time, so I dont blame your uncle for being grumpy. The degree aspect will sort itself out later, maybe an employer will pay for the remainder at some point, and you still have your credits in the bag. I think you tried your best, but its not the right thing to do at the moment. You need to work on your independence by working and living in your own place. Just my opinion.

Well that’s a lot to deal with isn’t it. Sounds like you’ve both been through a rough time. I think the priority now is to get a job and offer your DS some stability and be present. The degree is something that you can explore when things are a bit more settled. Where do you stay when you’re studying ? What access to money do you have and what other family support is there apart from your Aunt and uncle. Sorry for the questions but it’s unclear if you have a support network who could help you get on your feet and get earning some money.

Does your ds live with your aunt and uncle while you are at university, and you only see him at the weekends?

I think, I mean, this might be terrible advice and I'm just one person, I'd drop out of university. Your son has been exposed to domestic violence, has been sexually assaulted and, now, if I have understood your op correctly, lives away from you for the bulk of the week and with relatives who shout at him.

I'm all for self development but I mean, I think the priority should be providing day to day stability for your child.

This set up doesn’t sound ok for your DS, he is being left with people he is not safe with. I would drop out of the degree for now so you can be with him in the week, get yourself into your own accommodation as soon as you can. I understand wanting to carry on with your degree for extra money but that can come later, for now you need to stabilise after a traumatic time for you both.

I would have quit to be with ds a long time ago. He needs you for more than weekends.

Morning OP. All of that sounds incredibly tough and it’s no mean feat to continue with a degree through all of that so I take my hat off to you. BUT Unfortunately I do think you are going to have to pause the degree for now - your DS has witnessed domestic abuse, been sexually assaulted himself and it’s not fair on either him or your aunt or uncle (who I’m not surprised is grumpy - I imagine it’s incredibly stressful and tiring for both your aunt and uncle and it’s very kind of them to try and help) to leave a no doubt deeply traumatised child without a parent for such long periods of time. Speak to your university, see if you can just pause and revisit a year or two from now when you have stabilised life for your DS. Good luck,

Have you spoken to the OU? They are a lot more flexible than bricks and mortar unis. They take students who have been unable to complete their studies elsewhere due to myriad reasons. They are cheaper than bricks and mortar uni (about £6k per year, rather than £9k for tuition), and you'd be able to study from home and stay with your DS. Many people who do OU do it PT alongside working and caring responsibilities. Give them a call and see if that might be your solution. https://www.open.ac.uk/

But I agree that you need to be with your DS, caring for him, and ideally you need to be in your own home, self-supporting and not living with you aunt and uncle. This situation you are in is shit for you, but they've been unbelievably kind taking you and your DS in. It's time for you to move on, if you can. Are you on the housing list with your local council?

The challenge is that, because I have paused before, if I pause now I would have to withdraw permanently from the degree. If I drop out I will probably never be able to afford to get a degree, as I would have to self fund if I went back.

The degree leads to a high paid area of work where I could afford to live independently with DS. If I drop out I am down to just A levels, so could only pick up something minimum wage.

DS was a year old when I fled. The domestic abuse happened at night and never in his presence. The sexual abuse was one of the staff touching his private areas, he told me about it because I tried to educate him about safe and unsafe touch, but seemed unphased about what happened as it seemed normal to him. I pulled him out of nursery immediately and sent elsewhere, and he hasn't brought it up since and seems settled at the new nursery

I want to be with my little boy, but I also don't want to doom him to growing up very poor

What a challenging time for all. My tuppence worth would be to fix what you can and the rest will follow. You have no idea what opportunities may result. It sounds as if your family have supported you and your ds financially as well, even during weekends when you come home. They are incredibly kind and supportive.

You don't enjoy your degree at present. Leave, stay with your ds and find a role which offers training, uses transitional skills. Once in the role, and proved your worth, you could ask they fund an ou degree to finish the one you have or get exemptions for another.

Find somewhere to live. You might have to move for the new job, but many things are remote now so you could stay near your family for stability for your ds.

Your ds is your priority. You need to put him first and he is growing up without you. Money won't replace time with you and a happy home. Finical independence doesn't have to be on a big scale.
Your family should not have to deal with this, and in the nicest way, your ds might not be saying anything because he gets shouted at and is repressing how he feels. And discouraged from talking about it. You as his mother should be there full time to be someone to talk to without fear or judgement. If you don't want to do that, then the rest is excuses.

I would suggest you get your family to support this change. They sound as if they will help you and want you to be happy, but they also need to look after their own mental health and financial future.

One other idea - have you spoken to your uni's student welfare team? They may be able to help you access accommodation and have a creche on site, which would allow you and your DS to live either on or near to campus. If you've never spoken to them, I would, just see if they may be able to offer you some help. I just don't think the current situation is fair on your DS or your aunt and uncle. You're leaving him with them and they are fully responsible for him during the week and, to be blunt, he's your responsibility and he needs you!

Yes I would try and talk to student welfare so at least they are aware of the situation and they may be able to help.

OU credit transfer your study

How old are you?

I would absolutely try to access help so you can continue your degree and have your DS with you but going to nursery locally. Meet with whoever in the university has responsibility for student welfare. There may be a hardship fund that you can access. I agree that it would be best for your son if you can finish your degree and support you both.

Did you report either incidents to the police? They may have access to victim support and abuse services that could give you some advice too

Op you haven’t messed up your life I promise. You are going through a really hard time but in 5 years you will look back and be glad you aren’t here right now and got through it.

Don’t quit uni just yet, speak to them and see if there is any way they can help you. If you could do it part time (and you could get a job alongside) or quicker then two years. Is there any study at home you can do?

long term getting your degree will support you and your child better. I know it sucks but ask your tutors if there are creative solutions first.

You need to prioritise being with your son now and providing him with a settled life. What’s your degree in? An undergraduate degree alone doesn’t usually lead to a ‘high paid area of work’ - if it’s something like law for example you’ll need to do further study afterwards in order to actually become a lawyer. Same as accountancy. Don’t be fooled that having a bachelor degree will automatically give you a high paid job, especially in this job market where graduates are struggling for employment.

I would pause the studying until your son is at school, when you’ll have more free time, and then work out exactly what it is you want to do and how you’re going to get there.

Op I think you need clarity on how to realistically complete your degree.

• how many course credits to go?
• options for course work vs exam modules?
• options for remote / self study
• your tutor or programme lead needs to help you determine how to pass the degree within a reasonable timescale

Universities have good welfare and support offerings, including halls of residence, crèche, financial support, welfare and counselling.

Outside of this, it sounds like your chosen profession requires the degree? Are there year in placement options via the degree course? Do you end with a professional qualification? If the motivation is these two then I would say you could start working in those companies and at a later stage work up the experience / do the qualifications part time (though you haven’t said which industry).

Your aunt and uncle are both giving you real support and you need to come up with a plan of how to navigate to where you want to be in 2-3 years time.

First of all you have not messed up anything. You’ve been dealt a really crappy hand and coped with it amazingly. You are literally amazing. You should be so proud of yourself. I think maybe now you and your son need time to heal and be close. But I do believe somebody as strong as you will get more opportunities and things will get better.

How far apart is uni and your aunt's house?
Would you do Open University?
Do you need to be in Uni 5 days a week?
What is the subject?

Yes, talk to student welfare and work out options for support, childcare on campus etc. before making any other decisions,

Agree with this. You've done SO well. You've been really strong getting you and your son out of an abusive relationship. That's no mean feat.
Doesn't mean to say if you leave Uni that you'll end up poor. There's no guarantee of a job at the end of a degree anyway. I know loads that aren't able to gain employment in their related degree.

Power on through the degree OP. It will set you both up for life and don't be so hard on yourself about things. You're doing amazingly!

Have you talked to your university about ways to have him with you? Some universities have family accommodation, you may be able to get help with childcare and claim benefits. I would focus my efforts on trying to make that work before dropping out.

I’m sorry you have had such a hard time.

It’s a very unusual degree that would almost guarantee a high paid job and separate you from only being able to get a minimum wage job. Maybe only medicine.

Agree with others that you need to prioritise your child right now. Your updates seem to have rolled back on the impact events and his current situation is having on him. You need to be honest with yourself if he is really ok or you need to be there for him more.