To think I've fucked up my life? What next

[Tooduls]

So I was a housewife, I was due to start on a degree and became pregnant. I deferred and went when DS was 1. My DH started domestically abusing me and it turned out he had done many bad things, so me and DS fled, and I paused my degree.

I went to live with my aunt and uncle with DS, and tried to carry on with my degree, which meant staying away from them and DS in the week as my course isn't offered by universities local to them, but ex took me to family court for access to DS, so I took time out og uni to deal with that.

Then I tried to go back and DS was sexually abused at nursery. I miss DS terribly when I am apart from him, and he misses me. I hate being away from him, he loves my auntie, but my uncle is a grump who shouts at him. Because so much has happened, I just want to drop out and stay close to DS.

I can't transfer degree as I have used up too much funding, so I probably would have to be degreeless if I dropped out, but I hate my degree now, as it reminds me of the bad times with my husband and with DS getting abused, but equally I would be better off financially if I can get through it, so better able to provide for DS.

But if I carry on, I would have two more years of only seeing DS at weekends and the thought makes me want to throw up and cry. I just want any and all the advice I can get, as I feel so stuck

I don't want to be specific about my degree as that would be outing, I have already altered certain details to try and make myself less identifiable, but it is on the sort of course that is very prestigious, and where there is work for you as soon as you graduate, as I have seen from the original cohort of peers that I was with. Where my aunt and uncle live is literally in a different part of the UK to my university and course, but they are my only support. I can't take DS to uni as the local area around the university is small, and my ex lives in that city and would probably hurt one or both of us if he encountered us now I now about the things he did outside of what he did to me, which is another reason why I hate going to university, because I am terrified of him tracking me down or bumping into me and hurting me, and I can't take that risk with DS

How old are you?

You need to proritise your son. Assuming you reported the abuse to the police then there will have been trauma for both of you. Also high paid jobs take years on lower pay, hard work, long hours. Graduates in my DD's immediate circle who have good degrees and working their way to higher pay have started on 30,000 and working their way up..so you will have years beyond the degree without the 'high pay'. Unless it is doing something like working in finance where you have long hours and more exams to pass

Check put family accommodation at the uni. Most unis also have daycare. Make sure you have a none molestation order.

I’m going to try and be succinct as I need to go out but felt compelled to talk to you. I want to start by saying - So much as happened and I’m sorry for all of that and I hope you can heal soon. Secondly, please heed this as deeply as you can - money will come and go. Time only goes. On your deathbed you will wish you didn’t miss out on DS early years. They come and go so quickly. Be with him.

Children become more expensive as they grow. They also need you A LOT more. During the nursery years you are largely replaceable.

Quitting now would be selfish, it's all about how you feel. Stick with the course. You owe him a better life and opportunities. 2 years is nothing.

There really is no such thing as a degree that leads to a highly paid area of work. Be honest are you putting too much on this? How would you build a career from the start with a small
child anyway?

It just seems like one disaster after another- what are the chances your DS would flee abuse then he abused in a nursery?!

also why does your degree take up so much time you only see him at weekends?

Nurseries have been closing down in universities for years and now where they exist will be minimally subsidised

I’ve never heard of family accommodation and work in the sector

I wonder if you can let the uni know of your situation and see if they can offer some options like remote study, adjusted attendance or a transfer to another university with the support of your uni as it’s an extreme circumstance. It’s definitely worth seeking support from them as there may be an option you haven’t considered.

If it’s not safe for you or DS to be near your ex then you need to obtain a non molestation order. You can’t leave DS with your uncle who shouts at him for another two years; if nothing else, if your uncle resents the situation,it’s more than likely that at some point your aunt and uncle are going to decide it’s not sustainable for them and their relationship to be caring for him full time and you’ll be stuck having to make a rushed decision about what to do at that point anyway. Your DS has experienced trauma and he needs to be with his mum.

If the degree is as niche and prestigious as you say it is, with guaranteed employment at the end of it from a particular profession, have you looked into grant funding from that profession’s associations and registration bodies? Particularly if you’re performing highly, there are often specialised industry grants available for such sought after qualifications. Student welfare can advise on this, as well as on any other support they have for student parents.

I agree. You need to rebuild that bond until he’s a bit older.

Finish the uni course.
Son will be primary age by then?
🍀New job, new home, new place, new school and enough for childcare. Check UC and child allowance regardless of your grad wage, especially child care costs.
Only caveat is if aunt's cushioning isn't enough against uncle's gruffness.
But I personally think you are in a better position to give your son a fresh start once you graduate. Minimum wage back breaking job with/without benefits with/without council house won't give you both the buffer needed to counteract adverse childhood experiences.

@Tooduls look at the bigger picture.

Your DS is happy and stable with your aunt and uncle. Yes you might only see him weekends but in two years time you will have a degree and be able to live a good life with him.

Some sacrifices are worth making.

He is young so won't remember you not being there if he sees you at weekends.

Google family University accommodation and loads come up

You may well be able to get credit transfer for the study you have already done, so if you've done two years you might only need to do one more. It's not always possible to get full credit transfer into the same degree elsewhere (because you might not have covered the same things in your first two years as their course covered), but student finance will cover an extra year, which might be enough.

The more specialist the degree, the harder it would be to transfer to the same elsewhere, obviously. However it sounds as if you might prefer a bit of a sideways shift because of memories anyway. Each university (and sometimes each course) will have its own rules on credit transfer, so you need to look at where might work for you and what might be possible.

The Open University has an "open degree", where you can "pick and mix" the modules you want to study (subject to any prerequisites - third year maths would be a tall order if you've not done any since school). That means that credit transfer into the open degree is relatively straightforward. Obviously your degree doesn't then carry the name of a particular subject, but there are plenty of jobs that are happy with "any degree" or a degree which has some modules relating to the job.

Obviously if you were originally studying medicine, say, you wouldn't be coming out with a degree in medicine, but you might be in a good position to apply for jobs in related fields.

So do look into credit transfer with your local universities or the OU. (https://credit-transfer.open.ac.uk/ tells you more about how it works - it's best to apply now if you might want to swap for October).

OU has the advantage for you that you choose when you study - which might include after your child has gone to bed - and then you wouldn't need as much childcare support.

I wouldn't give up uni. Holidays are long so I'm presuming you are with your son then? ( If it's medicine it may be more hours I'm guessing )