AIBU to worry school topics are overwhelming my son?

[BeWittyZebra]

DH (42)and I (42) have 3 boys (11, 8, 6). Eldest started big school this year (independent) and has honestly thrived settled quickly, made friends, loves that it’s all boys, and has thrown himself into everything (hockey, cricket, science club, beekeeping, music, piano lessons etc).

He’s always been a bright, thoughtful kid and recently started philosophy and an environmental club at school. He’s absolutely loving both, which I would normally be really pleased about. I studied philosophy at uni myself so I do “get it”.

However over the last couple of weeks things have ramped up quite a bit. He’s suddenly decided eating meat is “evil” and that we are “killing animals because of our greed” (his exact words). To be clear, we are absolutely fine with him wanting to be vegetarian whether it’s a phase or not we will support him. We’ve adjusted our shopping and DH and I are cooking separate vegetarian meals for him, so it’s not about refusing to support that.

The issue is more the intensity of it all. Last week he refused to eat the dinner I’d made and had a snack instead because it didn’t contain meat. The next day the same thing happened, and when we sat down together, he refused to join in properly, sulked, and told us we were “evil” for eating meat.

Since then it’s become a bit of a theme, lots of quite intense statements about morality, the planet, humans being selfish etc. I seem to be getting daily moral debates/questions from him and it just feels quite heavy for an 11yo. I’m starting to wonder if he’s a bit overwhelmed by it all? Almost like he’s having a mini existential crisis.

On top of that, it’s not just food he’s now very anti-car and keeps going on about how bad ours is for the environment. He actually came to us with a list of cars we “should” be getting instead, which felt a bit… much for his age.

He’s also started asking quite challenging questions for example, if we’re happy to eat cows, why wouldn’t we eat our dog, what makes one animal different from another, why do we value some and not others etc. I can see where it’s coming from, but again it feels quite intense for his age.

I don’t want to shut him down or dismiss his views.

I’m also, if I’m honest, slightly irritated with the school I completely understand the value of philosophy and environmental awareness, but this is an 11yo and it feels like quite heavy stuff to be taking on so intensely. And we are paying the best part of £30k a year.

AIBU to think this is a bit much and needs reining in? Or should I just let him work through it and support the vegetarian angle properly? And would you speak to the school or leave it?

Would appreciate perspectives, especially if anyone’s had similar with this age group.

Never seen a Green Party supporter before? I don’t imagine many of the more ardent supporters were particularly easy going about these topics in their formative years.

@BeWittyZebra it's most likely the completely normal stage of development and it is exhausting! As a PP said, try not to put yourself in the position of feeling you need to "answer" every utterance. Lots of active listening and "interesting questions, where can you find out more?" And also setting boundaries with how long we get to dictate topics of conversation, establishing turn taking etc. I lost patience more often than I would like to have but ultimately I'd rather have an engaged, thoughtful child.

Absolutely bollocks and lazy stereotyping.
My daughters are at an independent school. Some of the boys are lovely, well mannered, considerate etc. Some are horribly rude and entitled. Most fit somewhere in between. Same as the boys as the state school they went to before their current school.
The 10/11 year old I saw screaming ‘get the fuck out of my way, you old twat’ to an elderly man who had the temerity to walk down the pavement that this boy wanted to cycle on was from the local state school, but it would also be lazy stereotyping to then assume that all state school children are like that.

I think it’s normal to go through an idealistic phase. I remember wanting to convert to Islam after learning about it at school as I thought it made a lot of sense (nothing wrong with that of course but quite random in the context of my family and neighbourhood).

And I was vegetarian too.

At least he’s thinking critically and not on the incel route (though I can see why it’s annoying!). Hopefully he’ll tone down the lecturing soon

ps good for you OP for supporting his vegetarianism

I'm not sure she is?

"Last week he refused to eat the dinner I’d made and had a snack instead because it didn’t contain meat. The next day the same thing happened..."

He's 11. He's not a baby anymore. As he gets older, you, as his parents, will no longer be the centre of his universe and he will find other role models who he admires and develop opinions which aren't the same as yours. I am surprised that a philosophy graduate would be so uncomfortable when faced with a question like "Why do we eat cows and not dogs?" or why you would think that was too heavy for an 11 yo? This is a question that my 6 yo has already asked and I said that some people see no difference and therefore don't eat cows or do eat dogs, but I see a distinction between animals that were specifically bred to be companion animals and animals that were bred to be meat animals. With an 11 yo I would go into more detail about how beef cows have been specifically engineered to produce a lot of meat etc.. But that's just my opinion and if he had a different view I'd be happy to hear it.

It does sound a bit like you're upset that your ideas are being challenged and you're used to him just accepting what you say. He hasn't been rude, he's just shared a different perspective.

Perhaps just have a chat with him to help him understand that life is a series of ethical choices and many options can be a moral maze. We each make our choice based on our individual experiences and ethical boundaries.
Eg. I may choose to not eat meat but I will kill all the lice on my head with a suffocating chemical.

This sounds fairly normal (at least in our household). Can be particularly fun when you have 2 and they take opposing views.

We have worked on sharing opposing views or using phrases such as "I think X because... What do you think and why?". To help ours understand there are two sides to an argument/ debate. We also talk about fact checking etc ... In general it helps the develope a better understanding / tolerance of other people's views and how to back up their own opinions. We also talk about we don't always have to agree but we do need to be respectful. One of ours on ND so the wider discussion around their view points have been extra important to help with understanding