Immediate family only by the graveside .....

[Laiste]

... of an elderly person.
So just : their spouse, their children and any son or daughter inlaws, any grandchildren and any siblings of the deceased?

Is that what you would think?

Surely if people are willing to make the effort to go to a funeral then they should be welcomed and not told they can’t go to a certain part of it?

personally I would only go to the graveside part of the funeral of a family member or a friends family.

I don't think OP was doing this?

I think it's reasonable for the family to want some privacy at some points.

There were over 400 people at my child's funeral. Most had never met her. Many were work colleagues who had come, members of social groups that knew us but had never met the child. It wasn't necessary for them all to come to the cemetery.

I find it interesting people don’t think siblings are immediate family- when I think immediate family I think dh, kids, parents brothers and sisters.

I've seen "private burial" used. This makes it clear that people are not to come to it but obviously you would then invite those you want to be there.

That’s a hard one. I have an aunt and uncle who didn’t have children and who I am close to. I would see my parents and myself as their immediate family - their siblings and nieces and nephews.

But for my parents immediate family would be their children and grandchildren.

So I do think it depends on context - I am not married and don’t have children so my immediate family is my parents, my sister and my nieces.

if your husband doesn’t really know this aunt and hasn’t maintained a relationship I don’t think he is immediate family

we had this recently and it included all blood relatives and their spouses - so cousins, nieces and nephews too

OP is simply trying to figure out who meets the chief mourners definition off immediate family.

ifs different for every elderly people. When my gran does all her friends and siblings had pre deceased her. There was no one there at all from her generation. She was 95. We didn’t need to consider friendships - just family. That may well be the case here.

people often see offense where none is intended. I am sorry about your friend

You also have to consider that there are reasons for asking for less people by the graveside. It was bad enough that my young children had to deal with 400+ people at the funeral of their sibling. Having to put them through that was horrible to the point I have told my DH not to give me a funeral and just to have immediate family around (and anyone else close to us). No child should have to go through that and giving them a little privacy at the graveside comes first for me before the wishes of loose acquaintances who might want to come and stand there as well.

I agree with others that in your situation you would not be expected to be at the graveside.

I found it slightly jarring at both of my parents’ funerals having people standing very close by who were not relatives or very close family friends - it’s a very private moment. We hadn’t thought to request otherwise of course, and those people meant well.

Hang back, and as others have said at the end have a moment by the grave if your husband would like that.

Edited to add, I guess it makes a difference whether it’s a cemetery in a different location, or people just following the coffin out of the church behind family and closest friends. They might not know where to go in that situation, unless they go to a lot of funerals.

I went to a funeral a few years ago at a crematorium and everyone was asked to leave except the immediate family. Of course everyone did what they were asked to do but it made a very distressing day much worse.

People go to a funeral to pay their last respects. To have that taken away is very difficult. At my dad’s funeral many years ago 100s of people turned up. Many of whom I didn’t even know. I would never have told any of them to leave. None of us know what relationship the deceased has had with people who come to a funeral.

In your case OP, where it seems that the family want to keep the funeral small, I’d ask them exactly who they want to attend. You need to be prepared to follow their wishes.

Until this thread, I didn't know grandchildren were immediate family. I would have considered that extended family.

Yes, but this will be different because they may need to travel from the church/chapel to the cemetery. It may not be just outside the church so people won't have to leave where they are.
For a cremation, it's all done in the same place.

We had spouse, siblings + spouses of siblings, children + spouses of children, grandchildren. I would expect that to describe immediate family I think.

Editing - I also would have felt it reasonable if they'd wanted grandchildren excluded. But e.g. grandchildren had helped organise the funeral etc. and there weren't many of them. I think it would have been different if there had been 6+ vs the two there were.

In those circumstances, id be prepared not to go to the grave. Usually if not going to that, you'd go straight to the location of the wake. With BIL the ladies of the church laid on tea and cake in the church hall.
As you say it is unusual. I've only been to 2 burials. Utterly unprepared for the first ( convinced me that cremation is for me). Second was better but I'll admit I mainly focused elsewhere during the lowering etc.

The most recent funeral I went to was at a crematorium. We were asked to leave before the curtains closed. It was very upsetting for many of the people there. We all had to wait outside for the immediate family. I found it very strange and very sad. I would always do what the family requests but will be leaving specific instructions that it won’t happen at my funeral.

it's his aunt (who he hasn't seen for years, that side of his family all hate/d his side ....🙄).

Your DH isn't 'immediate family' nor has he seen her in years, and there is a massive family fall-out.

If you attended the burial you would be incredibly inappropriate and would like deepend the fall-out. I would be considering even attending the funeral at all. What are you hoping to get out of the day?

Interesting. I've only been to one cremation. It was my mother's cousin so not immediate family at all, but everyone stayed.
I watched one via Zoom recently and everyone left the room before the curtains closed, with the closest family leaving first, some people touching the coffin as they went out. I presume nobody saw the curtains closing and the coffin going in.

Immediate family to me is everyone other than friends, acquaintances, neighbours, colleagues and so on. So anyone related who attend the funeral really would be my view.

I think I would welcome everyone to the graveyard, but immediate family only around the actual interment. The rest can hang back. That's what happens in funerals where I'm from anyway.

Immediate family to me is everyone other than friends, acquaintances, neighbours, colleagues and so on. So anyone related who attend the funeral really would be my view.

Isn’t that family, rather than immediate family?

Perhaps you're right, but it's deciding who is and isn't is a recipe for conflict!

TBH if there was any issue about who should and shouldn't see the coffin go into the ground, I'd argue for a completely private funeral, inviting only those who are welcome, (more conflict maybe!) or a direct cremation and interment of the ashes privately later.

I think you just have to play it by ear on the day. When DHs grandmother was buried it said immediate family only at the graveside, so I and his cousin's wife stayed back with friends etc and were called to come to the grave by DHs mum and aunt, just be respectful and led by the spouse/children of the deceased

who he hasn't seen for years, that side of his family all hate/d his side ....

I think This ^ is the crucial part.

You can have a really, really close relationship with someone, who on paper, is the same 'distance' of relative as a different person you are not so close to.
I, for example have cousins from one family we practically grew up with, holidayed with, spent time sleeping at each others houses, etc etc, whereas I have another set of cousins I've seen about 5 times in my whole life.

If you are unsure, then ask, before the day. Get him to ask his parents or cousins rather than bothering the widower.

Sometimes you can be closer as a friend than some relatives.
I would expect to go to the graveside of a close friend rather than some cousin I rarely saw.

🌺 I'm so sorry for the loss of your child.

🌸 for everyone sharing their story here because each loss is so sad to hear.