Immediate family only by the graveside .....

[Laiste]

... of an elderly person.
So just : their spouse, their children and any son or daughter inlaws, any grandchildren and any siblings of the deceased?

Is that what you would think?

Immediate in my mind would be spouse (if applicable) and children. The spouses of said children potentially though it’s a bit dependent on whether that causes difficulties eg wrangling small children, not all have long standing dps etc.

I went to one which was family only at the graveside but my friend was also invited personally by the widower. The priest announced family only at the graveside whilst we were all still in the church. It was to stop everyone going as you can't really stop people showing up to the church.

Despite a grieving family's request for immediate family only by the graveside, there is always a cheeky f**r who will take it upon themselves to prioritise their own agenda and intrude on the family's grief.

Yes this is what I would have assumed.

Burials are very rare now. I seem to remember at my DFs (1987) it was just Mum, my siblings and I and our partners at the actual graveside but everyone else who had been at the funeral standing a little way back from the grave.

I think I have only been to one other burial since then, for a former colleague, and it was similar, with non family standing well back.

None of us can say. Every family is different.

Why don't you tell us what the issue is @Laiste and then you get get opinions on that actual situation rather than people thinking of it from their own situation ?

@EastGrinstead Really ? I can barely bring myself to attend gravesides that I should be going to . Do people really think they are missing out if they don't get there ? Or is this something that has upset you . Surely people don't go if they know they are unwanted ?

When my parents died we extended invitations to the funeral to everyone but the memorial service (when we dedicated the gravestone) was close family only,

Immediate family is spouse and children.

Exactly, up to the individual immediate family. If dh cousin had allowed this, there could have been 500 people graveside, logistics it would have been impossible.

This. And I can't eye roll hard enough 🙄.
When my dad died we had him cremated but I later learnt that an acquaintance of my parents had been moaning at the wake because they'd been done out of the chance to stand at the graveside.

It would also be culture specific I guess. In my culture (Caribbean) everyone who is anyone can attend the graveside. Songs are usually sung (often upbeat gospel or spirituals) and the men (usually sons, brothers, close friends) will pass a shovel around then and refill the grave after the coffin goes in.

in British funerals, I think it’s usually an unspoken expectation that it’s immediate family like spouse, children, siblings, parents, inlaws, possibly grandchildren only.

Immediate means their children (possibly spouses, possibly grandkids). My MIL had immediate family only. I was asked to come as my DH, her first child, is dead. Her three other sons, her husband and that was it. No grandchildren. No partners/spouses. There was a memorial celebration later in the summer with extended family and friends.

I'm so sorry everybody ! I made the thread and intended to be present but something came up and i've only just had the chance to read.

Thanks all.

Yea burials are quite rare these days. I've only been to one before and weirdly that was quite recently. It was quite a young person (40s) and there were loads of folk around the grave.

In this case DH and i are on different pages as to who's meant to go to the grave side as the invitation says immediate family only. I've said we're not as it's his aunt (who he hasn't seen for years, that side of his family all hate/d his side ....🙄).

We'll be guided on the day obvs but i wondered what you all would think. It's not clear cut it seems.

Where I live everybody usually goes to the graveside.
They're public funerals, not by invitation so you can get loads of people at the graveside

I suppose not being there if you are expected would look rude.
Can you be there, just in case, but be prepared to wait in the car if it turns out you are not expected (and not wanted)? If he hasn't seen her for years he won't need your support.
I find it very strange. I would much rather want close friends at my funeral than nephews I barely knew! It's like siblings being higher up than friends in the pecking order at weddings.

For an aunt you haven't seen much, I would stand at the back of the group at the graveside.
Coincidentally I was at a large funeral on Friday and family and closest friends were at the graveside while the rest of us stood in groups around the graveyard and watched quietly from a good distance.

burials are quite rare these days

It does depend on where you are in the UK. In Northern Ireland just over three quarters of funerals are burials.

You’re going to need to ask in advance - it could be anything from spouse, actual siblings and children only, through to grandchildren, in-laws, aunts/uncles, cousins, second cousins etc.

Perhaps ask the funeral place and if they don’t know they can ask for clarification from the people organising the funeral.

Yes, I agree. I think you’ll need to ask.
As you can see from this thread people have different opinions on what’s appropriate. It’s individual to the specific family how far out they want to go.

There’s only so many people who can gather at a grave. Once the vicar and the undertakers are there, leaves a small amount of room for the family.

At my parent burial only immediate family gathered, some were further away but watching, a lot said it was too traumatic to watch a burial and chose to wait in the church.

Obviously not. That’s why it doesn’t say immediate family and friends only. How is that hard to comprehend? Same as when people say no children at a wedding and some people think oh except my DC.

My mum died last year she wss cremated rather than buried
The funersl direectors asked everyone to leave at the end of the ceremony acceot for immediate fsmily
Which consisted of my Dad ,me,my sister my Dh and son. My sisters two sons and my mums brother.

I do think a nephew is a step out from immediate family, most especially as they weren’t close. Will your DH have an elderly parent present at the graveside who may need his support though?

It might be a guideline rather than a hard and fast rule if it's not specified who is included.

I've never gone to the cemetery because I felt that was quite intimate and family only. I felt my going with be inappropriate.

When my child died, we asked for family only at the cemetery (though closest friends were welcome). We really just wanted to avoid everyone trudging down to the cemetery because I wasn't sure how I was going to handle the burial and didn't need an audience. Some other people came anyway and I didn't actually have a problem with it and made them welcome. It obviously meant something for them to be there.

Good Lord how horrible my best friend died, I was with her the day she passed and have raised her grandchildren as my own I can't imagine how cruel you would be to judge who did or didn't love someone enough to mourn them.