Any thoughts??

[LemonKoala2]

I need some advice pretty sharpish-but its a long one, sorry!!

Bit of background, I've got 3 children, divorced 7 years ago. I've been with my current partner nearly a year, he has two children and they have different mothers. One is lovely, really lovely actually, the other refuses to meet me (no idea why). His first marriage failed due to falling out of love, the second relationship he cited that she had abused his daughter psychologically.

Some things with him haven't quite been adding up over the months, but that being said, I do over analyse things.
I am quite a private person, I don't really post on social media (mainly due to my job) and so most people don't really know much about me. I'd disclosed to him that my marriage was very hostile and abusive and he threatened to walk out, stating that he couldn't accept the fact I had had three children and stayed with someone who abused me. We managed to overcome it but his mood swings continued. I tried to unpick this a little bit and he disclosed he had tried to commit suicide some years ago, no further action was taken, he isn't on medication or anything.
He started to have random conversations about things, but these 'things' were things I'd been having conversations with friends about over text messages or facebook messenger, so then it dawned on me he had been checking my phone. Whilst he was looking through my phone, he had seen very historic messages to girl friends talking about people I'd messaged (we're talking years old), and he basically said he couldn't accept that I'd been with other people. Again, I found this odd given that he had got the mother of the second child pregnant after four months of dating and refused to commit to her until the child was 8 months old simply because he didn't want her or the child.

I've continued to observe for a little while, I've noticed that he is extremely jealous, he went through my social media asking who every single friend/follower was, I deleted everyone that would pose a threat but yet he still had women on his social media who he had slept with or he had lots of scantily clad pages on there so it felt a little one sided.
One day, I was on his i-pad looking on the internet and a message came through from the ex that won't meet me. Curiosity got the better of me, and when I looked at the thread, there were reams and reams of messages between them both, they only stopped a couple of weeks before he met me and they were predominantly him leading the conversations. He had been messaging her on an evening, asking her how day had been, sending her memories on facebook containing romantic photos of them both. One message prior to us meeting was him asking her how she was and told her she looked her usual gorgeous self, and another photo was of him pedalling her on a go kart which he had sent her. This is a woman that has allegedly abused his daughter? I just find it all very odd. There were also numerous messages from him asking her to go on family days out, why would you want someone like that near your daughter? It just doesn't add up! I confronted him and he got upset, said he was bored and that he just wanted to appease her incase she stopped him seeing the child but there was no threats or negativity, it looked like they were dating to be honest and I queried whether the reason why she is refusing to meet me is because this emotional relationship has abruptly stopped. His daughter had told me that when he told this woman about me, she had burst into tears.

Moving on a bit, he has no car now as his car failed MOT in December, so I have been getting up at 5:30am daily to take him to work, he then takes it to collect his children from their separate destinations, the boy alone lives 30 miles away. Its now May, he's awaiting a court date as he has accumulated 12 points and hes just crashed my car, which is repairable but theres no mention of him paying my excess and my insurance is now going to increase!
He lives here but doesn't contribute and although he offers, he has no money!

The latest installment which is what brings me here is that I have just taken him to Dublin for his birthday for two nights and we had the best time. Since covid, he has sent his daughter a voice note every morning and night. On his birthday, he got a video message with a promise to facetime later that day, he was obviously very excited as he mentioned it numerous times throughout the day. I have always thought this is really nice and also good of his ex wife as I wouldn't enjoy my ex constantly messaging my phone to be honest! Anyway, we'd gone for a nap, both starkers in bed, and his daughter asks if she can facetime..we were literally about to get up, get ready and go for tea. Before I could even move, he had slung a hoody on, whipped his i-pad out and his daughter was on screen and I'm sat there with everything hanging out!!! I was a little annoyed at this, especially as seconds later, his ex wife hops in the camera to wish him happy birthday. I felt really awkward so I got up and went into the bathroom. Instinctively, I felt most people would think that would make a partner feel a little uncomfortable and draw the call to a close, its a romantic getaway, we are clearly in bed but he dragged it on for 20 minutes! He was on his phone constantly afterwards, whether it was him messaging work or social media or texting his daughter and I got a bit sick of it so I made a general comment about him being on his mobile a lot and he just flipped. He said I was a lying b**ch, a psycho, abusive, controlling and jealous of his daughter. He said he was entitled to have a birthday wish from his child, but that wasn't the issue, the issue was him accepting a call when I'm sat there starkers!
He's since text his ex wife to tell her that the facetime has caused a massive argument and he doesn't know if we will stay together which means he wont be able to collect the daughter, but interestingly, didn't message the other mum! Clearly seeking validation!
I was really annoyed by this action because that will affect my relationship with that mum now and he has admitted he finds it weird that we get on.
I'm unsure if we can move on from this or if its just me??

In a horrible way, I hope he does lose the licence. Think he needs to start taking some accountability now. I for one, am done

Sorry I meant to say ‘they don’t tend to like that’.
Not the nonsense I actually posted!!

why are you letting a cocklodger abusive lying using Arsehole live in your house amf be around ypir children?!!! You’ve just left one abusive relationship for another!!

You need to go do the programme women’s aid run!! THAT will help stop you making the same mistake again. Also seriously put your children and yourself first EVERY TIME

My dh would never look through my phone. That's the point where you should've dumped him.

I'm confused. He left his ex because she was psychologically abusing his DD, but he left DD there so now needs to keep ex sweet so she doesn't stop contact?
You've not been over analysing this, to be blunt, you've been pretty blind. So many things in your OP and more in the comments are red flags. I'd end it ASAP and stay single for a while whilst you figure out what a healthy relationship looks like. So many women go from one abusive relationships to another because the next one doesn't seem as bad as the last.

oh my goodness, you’ve been an absolute fool getting into this situation, but what’s done is done - the important thing is what you do now.

he doesn’t have a key? But he’s intending to come back to your home today, possibly with his children?

You need to be very clear in your communication that you are ending the relationship, there’s nothing that will change your mind. Do not engage in chat about his ex partners, keep repeating the relationship is done, he needs to leave.

Every accusation he has made is projection. He is describing himself to you. It's more likely he has been psychologically abusing his daughter, but he is one of those men that puts the blame on other people, and when he can't blame other people, will justify his behaviour instead of just owning it.

Men like him are so predictable when you've seen and heard it enough times.

The reason he is creating distance between you and his ex is because he has bullshitted you both. He's bullshitted her about you and vice versa. He doesnt want you having any private conversations with her in case his bullshit is uncovered.
And in both versions that he's told you and her, I'd gamble my house that he comes out looking like the victim.
He will have told his ex he tries his hardest to please you and he's so unhappy, but if he leaves you, you'll commit suicide (there's that projection again). He'll have told her you're mentally unstable and he worries about your kids if he leaves.

You know why his ex is so nice? Because she's happy. You know why she's happy? Because she is not with him!

Totally agree with every point you have made.

I certainly questioned whether the ex had done those things to his daughter, given the messages he’d been sending her, but also when I spoke to the nice ex, I’d commented that I admired how she was so calm after everything that had happened to her child and she seemed completely unaware! I’d told my partner about this and that’ll be why he was mad I had invited her in, as you say, he will be shitting himself that his lies will be discovered.

The other ex that refuses to meet me, I personally think he was still seeing her right up until he met me and that’s why she refuses! She’s hurt and angry.

He left the boys mum because he alleged she had abused the daughter, so left the boy living with her. To my knowledge, she’s never threatened to pull contact and he only sees the boy for 8 hours on a Sunday. I didn’t even think of it like that-he’s left 1 child there when she’s supposedly abused another.

however, aside from that, the messages he was sending her were asking her to join him and both children’s each Sunday during his contact for family trips to the farm! He was even offering to pay!
the last photo he sent her was literally a couple of weeks before we met, it was a photo of him pedalling her on a go kart at a farm and he then took me that same farm and got upset when I didn’t want to go on the same go karts!!!

I'd disclosed to him that my marriage was very hostile and abusive and he threatened to walk out

And you should have let him. Now, I understand that when you are in the middle of it, you don't see it. But looking back, do you understand that someone who threatens to walk out (for any reason!) is not someone you should be having a relationship with? Threatening is always a manipulation. People who want to leave leave. People who want to stay talk and figure things out together. People who threaten always do so to manipulate.
End this now.

Stop focusing on the shitty details in the past. It’s 18.08pm, have you kicked him out yet?

That's irrelevant. You can't be prosecuted for someone blaming you for their suicide. It's not a crime. Person killing themselves has capacity and it is always their choice.

Less about him, more about you, as per @JLou08 response. You seem far too happy with the drama, so I agree you need to have a think about what a healthy relationship looks like once you’ve ended this one.

How's it going Op, did you dump him?

Victim blaming. Op is a victim in this, taken advantage of and exploited while recovering from a highly abusive relationship. She's not the person to be angry at just because she's the one here asking for help.

I think where kids are concerned the OP needs to take some responsibility for exposing them to this bullshit. Sorry if that’s tough love but it’s true.

In life the number 1 priority is children, if you have them, if you always keep that in mind, you can’t go wrong.

Its not tough love its ignorance on your part. You don't really understand domestic abuse and how it works and the nuance of it do you? If you did you wouldn't be blaming the victim here.

I suggest you educate yourself before offering 'tough love' in future.

"if you always keep that in mind, you can’t go wrong"

As a professional working with families affected by domestic abuse over many years I can categorically say this is untrue. Women do not date men thinking they will abuse them. Women do not move men into their home thinking they will abuse them. These men work hard to gain love and trust and abuse starts very small with confusion and gaslighting and manipulation which makes it purposefully difficult for the victim to identify. There's not a single woman out there immune to this. All you can do is be vigilant and leave once you recognise what's happening. Or you chose celibacy which is not realistic for most people as its not how human beings are designed.

You’re damaged from the first abusive marriage and need therapy. This guy is clearly abusing you too. Therapy, leave this relationship, be single for a while.

I don’t disagree with your observations about the OP exposing her children to the behaviour of this man. However the lasting scars of a previous life with a dangerous abusive man are more complex than many people realise and often “survivors” more often than not find themselves with a case of history repeating itself. This is not because they are stupid or deliberately negligent of children's safeguarding needs.

As regards your comment about putting children first and not going wrong if you make that your priority though then I think that’s really unfair and highly judgemental. In the majority of cases of domestic abuse, then women with children stay because the systems habitually fail them and they are terrified of what price their children will pay if they chose freedom but their children are thrown to the wolves of the family court system, the shortcomings of the police and local authorities to name but a few. They don’t stay because they aren’t prioritising their children. If only it was that simple. Women and children in our society historically and sadly contemporaneously really have not and do not matter. Until that really changes then the damage will continue.

OP, I didn't read your whole post (a sin on here, I know). But I didn't need to - he's not a good man. Threatening to walk out on you because you trusted him enough to tell him you survived an abusive relationship was the first massive red flag, and should have been the thing you dumped him for. You don't need anymore. For your safety and sanity, leave him.

Op, it’s like a procession of red flags waving at you. Please please take notice of this and ditch this arsehole. And he won’t be suicidal, that’s just a way to make you stay. You and your kids deserve better.