Year 8 relationship dramas

[solerofan]

Dd is in year 8 and there is a lot of going ons at her school. Everyone seems to be dating, some are snogging or more at school during break and drinking and vaping at parties. Dd is still playing with lego occasionally, likes BMX and is very much still a child even though she is in the midst of puberty.

She is hearing stories about girls in her form having much older boyfriends who they secretly meet, friends who have secret second phones and she came home from school saying girl in her year group is pregnant.

There are fights between boys who like the same girl and girls who like the same boy. Is this normal in KS3? What do I tell my dd, she was so shocked that a girl is pregnant at 12 😮 I know of a local girl at a different school getting pregnant at 14 and thought that was horrid but 12 is just awful.

How can I guide dd through this crazy peer situation? Changing school is an option. In my time this sort of behaviour started at the earliest at around 14 so late year 9 or year 10.

AIBU to think this is not normal at this age?

I'd reassure her a lot of her peers are talking rubbish to fit in. There will be a few precocious ones getting into frankly dangerous and exploitative situations and a far bigger number just talking bollocks. She may not believe you even though it will be true but will reassure her she isn't expected to carry on like that.

So pleased my year 8 goes to a girls school!!

Hi, hmmm I've worked in a lot of secondary schools and sadly the relationship drama does sound fairly normal, certainly the arguing over the same girl/boy and kissing at parties. If young people are are finding ways to kiss and experiment beyond this at school though, that is potentially a huge safeguarding issue and I would express your concerns to the Head or DSL. As for teen pregnancies, that is obviously shocking and upsetting but I sadly do know of one Y8 who became pregnant.
Vaping is a huge issue among this age group with colourful, candy flavoured vapes literally designed to appeal to young people, and relatively easy to buy or get from an older sibling or friend. Drinking I hear less about but based on my own experiences in the 00s, Year 8 is when some (not most) people started to experiment.

In terms of how to approach it... 5 Cs approach:

• keep Communicating - Praise your daughter for letting you know what's going on and how it's making her feel. Remind her that she can always come to you with questions and if you don't know the answers you will try to find out yourself.

• Be Curious, ask open ended questions like "I wonder what made her do that?"
• stay Calm even though you might feeling anything but calm in your head! If she sees that you're alarmed she may stop bringing things to you or at some stage try these things yourself to push your buttons or get a reaction out of you
• be Compassionate - Dont use judgemental language, acknowledge the reasons why young people are drawn to behaviours like this e.g. curiosity, thrill-seeking, wanting to appear more mature, seeking validation from romantic relationships as they may not get much affection elsewhere.
• and of course, express your Concerns in an age/stage appropriate way; you are the best judge of the amount of information that your daughter ready for at this stage. There are some great books that deal with growing up for this age group, maybe get her one and read bits together or both read it in sections and then discuss over a hot chocolate?

After 30 years of teaching I can tell you this is absolutely normal in Y8. The dramatic behaviour is unbelievable. And the Snapchat spite and bullying is awful. But yes, also a lot of them are talking bollocks to be 'cool'.

Tell her to stay as uninvolved as she can. And I've taught in an independent girls' school that was just as bad!

Have you confirmed that the pregnancy story is true?
Is she generally unhappy there? Does she have friends that are more like her? I’d be very so if the things you mention are true of very many of the children. There are always a few that cause dramas and live very different ( and often unhappy) lives. Where adult behaviour is the norm.

Id tell her that some children go off the rails a bit during puberty but a lot of gossip that she hears is exaggeration, embellishment or downright fantasy. Kids this age often make up stuff to make them seem 'grown up' so tell her to take it all with a pinch of salt and not get involved in gossip. Does she have some nice sensible friends to hang out with?

Bless your naivety ! (I work in a girl’s school)

Don’t need to be opposite sex to snog, and plenty of fights and fallings out, teenage girls are much worse for nastiness on social media too

I would be shocked OP. I am sitting in the garden mumsnetting with a beer, my DDs and their friends are chatting further down the garden about topics ranging from prohibition, abortion and why dogs are better than cats - year 10 & 11. Not normal in their circle, definitely more on the academic and sporty side but I would say fairly normal girls in a mixed state school

My oldest is in a boys school, also year 8. Barely any fights (apparently 2 this academic year, no exclusions), no snogging, barely any friendship dramas.
70 in the year. so small but not tiny (and 100% have either ASD or ADHD).

Alot will be talk. Yanbu. Not looked forward to that age.

Some of the groups in DD’s school are like that. She’s not in them, but still hears all about it. Then she comes home and tells me all about it! “Mum, I’ve got some tea!”. Some is serious stuff (I contacted the school a time or two for safeguarding issues), some is pure nonsense, some is sheer stupidity.

Kids grow up at different points. I know it’s shocking to hear about children that age even thinking about sex, my DC were also pretty immature if you like and I’d argue my eldest who is year 11 still kind of is… He still plays Roblox anyway! But yes, some children do sadly engage in sex at 12/13 and although vanishingly rare, pregnancies occur as a result.

I think you just need to explain it’s not usual to be engaging in that sort of thing so young and that it’s way more usual to be like your DD than them to be frank.

There will be kids who aren’t doing that stuff. Can your DD hang out with them? I would be concerned if she is hanging out with kids doing that stuff in y8 in case she ends up joining in due to peer pressure.

This is hardly representative though is it?

FWIW my year 8 is in a single sex school (boys) and there is absolutely none of this going on. Maybe it will come later but there is no cyber bullying, no nastiness, no competitiveness. Lots of low level silly behaviour in classes (poor teachers) but it's dealt with immediately. This is a London community school with 180 kids in Y8.

Our nearest - but very oversubscribed - school is mixed and most of my child's friends and peers went there. I still speak to a lot of the parents and Yes there do seem to be a lot more "relationship" dramas but again nothing as wild as being described on this thread.

My Y6 will be going to a single sex school too.

@Crunchymum agreed that its not representative, i was replying to posters above who implied that single sex schools are worse, or that fights are a boy thing.
They are not, it can be managed:)

So it seems somewhat normal then but it hadn't occurred to me that much of it may be quite embellished for drama and shock value how naive am I

Wish we had had the option to send dd to single sex now. I just can't believe a 12 year old who is still a child growing up, has to deal with pregnancy, if this is a true story. I just hate it, it doesn't feel long ago that they were at their nurturing primary school living a wholesome life, I don't feel ready for this. My neighbour has a dd in year 10 at another school and she does not bring home stories like this.

Most of the kids will not be engaging in these activities.

Do not try to shield your child from the experiences she sees at school. She is plenty old enough to know about relationships and sex, to observe the experiences of her peers and learn from these interactions how to navigate her own relationships in the future.

You need to learn that being sexually precocious is not catching and actually think about the reasons that girls of her age are using sex as currency and validation, or being coerced/abused.

She needs to learn to avoid early sex because she is not ready and there is no need to saddle herself with a partner when this is a time for fun and personal investment, not because children who are precocious are "bad".

I really hope you are not demonising the 12 year old who is pregnant. Your DD is old enough to learn about peer on peer abuse, consent, STIs and contraception.

12 is quite young to be dealing with all that imo.
What do you mean by demonising?

Because obviously there’s never any drama in a girls school.

if this type of activity is part and parcel of DD's everyday school life, then sadly, she's old enough to be informed of sex and sexual relationships.

By "demonising", I mean that you seem shocked that a 12 yo is pregnant, rather than furious and sad that a child under the age of consent has clearly been coerced/forced/neglected. I'm not necessarily saying you are actually demonising her to your DD. But you have put the 12 yo pregnancy into the same category/statement as the kids snogging and drama. They're not the same thing at all. One is abuse/neglect of an underage child, the other is kids experimenting and engaging in drama.

Also pleased my DD is in a girls school

i would consider moving her. This surely is not normal

Not normal at our state school Year 8.
A few girls vape, a few boys fight. But mostly they’re playing sport, Minecraft or going to scouts.
Saw a group of 5 Y8s at parkrun this morning.