AIBU to step back from a friend who disappears for months

[Zootsandlegends]

I have a school mum friend - we have know each other throughout our kids being at school. Always got on well, socialised together regularly both with and without our kids. She has, the entire time I’ve known her, had a habit of disappearing - basically blowing totally hot and cold, one minute it appears we have a close friendship as she will literally text me daily and we will meet up regularly, then out of nowhere she drops me and I won’t hear a word from her for months. I’ve previously been really worried something had happened only for her to reappear, and it turns out everything’s fine, she just felt like ignoring me for a few months.
Its a really frustrating pattern of behaviour and I have long accepted this is how she behaves for whatever reason, she clearly has very little consideration or respect for me as a friend to regularly drop me for months and then expect to pop up again when it suits her. I’m happy to just be polite and friendly but not bother putting any effort into sustaining a friendship with someone who is so consistently unreliable. What’s annoyed me is the last couple of times I’ve seen her she’s acted off with me because I haven’t ran to hug her and greet her enthusiastically - so basically it’s ok for her to be a crappy friend to me but if I’m then cooler in response she is offended? Really? I find this so weird and confusing. Can anyone tell me what’s going on here? Thanks!

And this is exactly why people are becoming more and more intolerant of the “mental health” card.

Because “mental health” is constantly being used as an excuse to treat people like absolute shit, and we must all b understanding because “mental health.”

Someone kicks off disproportionately, “must have mental health issues.”

Someone treats their friends/family like crap? “Must have mental health issues.”

Even things like murder are explained away under the banner of “mental health” these days.

And now it’s seemingly also ok to ghost your friends because of mental health issues. Even though it’s probably because you’re a bit of a flake.

Also, there’s a difference between just not seeing your friends that often, and actively ghosting them i.e. ignoring messages etc..

I have/had a friend like this.

He genuinely has been through some crap and I have been there for him through it. But he goes from being in constant contact to actively ghosting within a day or two, and then just pops back up expecting his friends to be there because “well everyone knows what I’m like hahahaha”

The first time he did it to me I was heartbroken and wondering what I’d done wrong, and then he just reappeared one day.

And another friend said to me “keep him at arm’s length, if he’s done it once, he’ll do it again. And he did.

I wouldn’t ever block, and I would still be there if he reappeared. But I won’t be telling him I’m desperate for his friendship or whatever, by ghosting people you make.a choice that they may cut you out of their lives.

Conversely I have friends I see maybe once or twice a year, and we message periodically, but that doesn’t mean not being friends or whatever, you can be friends and still not be in constant contact. But once you ghost someone you’ve essentially ended the friendship.

Have you asked her why she disappears for long periods?

Given your update, I'd step back. You're not as close as you think you are. I'm guessing you're a friend of convenience, someone she turns to when she's got nothing else going on. Some people are just rude and think they don't need to send a reply to someone if they don't want to do the thing, it's bad manners IMO. Takes two seconds to text back "not this time, thanks". If she's texting others, on social media and messaging apps, just not you - then it's personal IMO, she just doesn't consider you important enough or worthy of a reply. Sucks, but it's how some people are. Doesn't mean she dislikes you, just that she's selfish.

@ZootsandlegendsId agree she’s crappy but she’s not a friend. That requires a two way relationship. I’d not be available and definitely don’t put yourself out for her. She’s got other people so concentrate on real friends.

What makes you think Bipolar?

@MeetMeOnTheCorner This is what makes it so confusing, there have been numerous times she’s been a really good friend to me. Helped me out, listened to me vent, been thoughtful. This is what makes it weird when she then turns into her elusive twin 😂

It just sounds like cycles of socialising a lot and then suddenly stopping. I just saw OP's update that it's not that. Still it's a very strange behaviour...

OP can't you just ask her? Without sounding harsh, just tell her you are a bit confused and she is very important to you...

This is the key thing, isn't it?

i've decided not to tolerate it even when I'm desperate for friends, which fortunately I'm not anymore

I could do that thing of replying eight months later like they do, but it just seems pointless

@Comfortable8520 I’ve asked if everything’s ok/what’s been going on and she literally says “oh I’ve been a bit crap haven’t I?”

Friendships take time and energy and like most relationships it is never 50/50 split..

Some people just can't deal with the amount of investment and find it overwhelming with all the chaos of life so will withdraw to recharge.

Other people just assume you will be there and quite frankly are selfish they typically are the ones who have no excuse to be flakes. There's a few of these in my husbands life. He can handle that sort of thing, I cannot. If this relationship doesn't fulfil your needs then I would suggest moving on.

OP I feel this type of behaviour is growing more and more common sadly.

I doubt this lady thinks she’s doing anything wrong, and many people wouldn’t think she is doing anything wrong and would be quite unbothered by this. But then there will be others like you (and me) who find this behaviour quite rude and even creating your own type of anxiety and questioning things.

ultimately the same as it’s fine for this woman to behave like this (she’s not technically doing anything wrong), it’s also not ridiculous for you to feel a bit confused/annoyed by it. It ultimately comes down to whether you’re ok with this type of inconsistent friendship and not let it bother you, or whether you realise it doesn’t in which case it’s not unreasonable for you to step back and fade her out, or politely reply in noncommittal ways.

i used to be the type of person who would advocate actually having an honest conversation about this but honestly, it is a waste of time. She knows she’s like this (admitting being a bit crap in her words) and simply put she will not change, so having that conversation will be pointless and cause you more grief and negativity. You need to let it go - either literally by stepping back from the friendship or accepting this is how it is if you want a friendship, it will be hot and cold and you can’t control that.

And yes, I know people have mental health but I’m so fed up of ADHD/anxiety being constantly used as an excuse or justification. If this lady bothered to communicate and say sorry I’m going through a hard time right now I’ll message you when I have capacity it would be different. It’s also funny that people who are so inconsistent tend to be consistent in things that actually matter - eg work, partner, families, very close friends.

for example one friend I have is always late to meet ups (the worst was nearly 2 hours late and zero communication on the delay, luckily it was a museum, if it was a cafe I would have just gone home). She has ADHD but she can turn up to work on time! So on some level it does reflect the importance of your time and friendship to them.

the sad truth is you’re the probably in that awkward spot where she does appreciate you as a friend but not enough to show you the respect she can and would show others. Or maybe I’m wrong and she’s really this flaky with everyone, but her other friends are similarly minded or just accept it.

For me I’ve accepted the flakiness of my friends like this, although inevitably it does mean I’m a bit cautious with making concrete plans with them and inevitably we meet up less as it’s often when they bother to suggest something. And I know there are only certain activities I would commit to with these friends - eg I would agree to meet up in a park, or go to a museum/exhibition as it means if they’re late I am happy to enjoy those things alone. But meeting up at a restaurant for food or going to the theatre I wouldn’t agree to as I’m always anxious they won’t turn up on time and I either have to eat by myself (fine but not ideal particularly if you have a reservation for two!) or feel awkward about them arriving late to a show and causing disruption to other guests.

All of that to say no, you are not being unreasonable to step back or feel frustrated by this behaviour, and I don’t think she has mental health issues but even if she does it’s still fine for you to set your own boundaries and stop being friends with her without feeling guilty.

@FastLemonFinch She is always late to everything, if it was only by 10-15mins I wouldn’t mind but she’s literally always half an hour late to everything we’ve ever planned to do, also her kids are teenagers now it’s not as though she is held up having to sort a poonami as she’s leaving the house.
The amount of times she’s left me and my kids waiting around when we’ve arranged to meet somewhere, and I haven’t been able to just go in without her because I’ve had her and her kids tickets. Then when she arrives there is no explanation or embarrassment at leaving others waiting, over a number of years I’ve found myself realising it’s a form of disrespect to continually pick someone up and put them down and when she does bother to keep plans, she’s so late that she’s taken the shine off it for me and my kids who have been waiting around wondering WTF is going on.
I’ve also realised she speaks about friends in the past tense - there must be a reason for this.

@Zootsandlegends looking at your update I would just forget about it really. Sorry you've had this, I know it's horrible 💐

I’ve no idea if this is the case with your friend or not but this sound like recurring depression or autism. In both of those instances, you often have to withdraw from rl interaction in order to recover between periods of time after you have forced yourself to appear “normal” when you feel far from it, which it is exhausting.

One of my dd’s is autistic and if she didn’t do the withdrawing bit she would never be able to socialise in the first place!

Scrolling on her phone in a quiet, safe, space is how she de-stresses .

I’m surprised your friend doesn’t send you a “holding” message though op as it is very rude to not answer at all.

Your friend may not want to admit her absences are due to mh reasons out of a combination of shame and guilt. Once she says it to someone in her social circle it becomes a real, concrete thing, and she can no longer pretend to herself that she is “ok”.

Look, it’s not right that you are on the brunt end of this op, and I completely understand why you feel upset, but you are friends and she has chosen not to tell you for her own reasons. It could be as much about deluding herself that she lives with a degree of normality, rather than it being about you.

I don’t know what can be gained exactly from forcing her to confess whatever is wrong with her, especially after a decade, is anything really going to change?

My advice would be to either let the subject drop and enjoy her company when she is around or to tell her straight that you can’t handle the on-off nature of your friendship, even though you have tolerated it for a long time, and end it.

My opinion here is of course totally biased towards your friend and not objective op because I know what my dd goes through in order to socialise:

-weeks of anxiety and stress leading up to event

-lots of self doubt about whether she will or will not be able to manage it at which point she may cancel

-if she doesn’t cancel, more anxiety about the journey and getting there on time and what it will involve, and if she is eating with someone else, or shopping say, is there a clear exit to the outside should she feel panicky or the shop lights affect her?

-anxiety about whether she will be able to pretend not to be affected by what are to her, overpowering smells, sounds, sights while out in public during your meet up

-anxiety about whether she will read social cues correctly and not talk too much, or too little, or interrupt, be able to maintain her concentration, and judge when the interaction is over or not and when someone says “let’s stay for another coffee” do they really mean that or are they just being kind? Or is there a hidden meaning somewhere that she hasn’t caught on to? Especially if it’s “let’s not stay for another coffee” which would lead her to think she has done something wrong,

Remember that during the above she will behaving as though none of the above is going on with her. She will appear animated, interested and humorous.

That’s not to say she won’t enjoy seeing her friend during all of the above and really enjoy the experience getting out too! Some people with ASD crave connection, but it takes so much out of them that they can only manage it occasionally,

Once back after a successful outing my dd will be filled with delight that she managed it, and probably won’t sleep much that night while all of the adrenaline drains from her body, and then she will need to recover for three days or so while she recovers her equilibrium.

Unfortunately all of the above takes a lot of energy and there isn’t a lot left over to understand how others may be feeling in relation to her. And if your friend is older, then menopause can play havoc with symptoms of ASD and she may not be able to mask as well.

This is just one theory Op. If you want to continue the friendship, and if she isn’t forthcoming for whatever reason, tell her you don’t like it but will nonetheless accept things as they are. Or, it’s completely understandable if you want to end it. If she is autistic, it won’t be the first time. And any reasonable person would understand your position too.