AIBU to step back from a friend who disappears for months

[Zootsandlegends]

I have a school mum friend - we have know each other throughout our kids being at school. Always got on well, socialised together regularly both with and without our kids. She has, the entire time I’ve known her, had a habit of disappearing - basically blowing totally hot and cold, one minute it appears we have a close friendship as she will literally text me daily and we will meet up regularly, then out of nowhere she drops me and I won’t hear a word from her for months. I’ve previously been really worried something had happened only for her to reappear, and it turns out everything’s fine, she just felt like ignoring me for a few months.
Its a really frustrating pattern of behaviour and I have long accepted this is how she behaves for whatever reason, she clearly has very little consideration or respect for me as a friend to regularly drop me for months and then expect to pop up again when it suits her. I’m happy to just be polite and friendly but not bother putting any effort into sustaining a friendship with someone who is so consistently unreliable. What’s annoyed me is the last couple of times I’ve seen her she’s acted off with me because I haven’t ran to hug her and greet her enthusiastically - so basically it’s ok for her to be a crappy friend to me but if I’m then cooler in response she is offended? Really? I find this so weird and confusing. Can anyone tell me what’s going on here? Thanks!

Maybe she struggles with her mental health and has periods of being depressed.

Hard op as you never know where you stand with these people.. I would leave contact to her now. Its good have a few friends.

Op, after such a long time, I would suggest that you have a choice, whether to embrace this friendship and person as she is, and her quirks, or not.

One person’s definition of friendship is very different to another’s.

Obviously it’s not ok for her to be upset about a less than rapturous greeting when she returns after a long absence. But have you had an honest, calm, discussion about this face-to-face or are you showing your upset more subtlety?

There is obviously something going on in her life that she doesn’t feel able to share? Is she autistic perhaps and masking this in order to try and pass as allistic? Does she have bi-polar? A difficult family situation? An intense creative pursuit? A hidden illness? A varying work load? Intermittent bouts of depression? Or is it just that intermittent friendship happens to be the only kind she can offer at the moment?

If you value the friendship, which you obviously do or you wouldn’t be feeling hurt by her actions, then I would try and find out more before characterising her behaviour as intentionally disrespectful to you. I understand why you feel that way but she may not understand that if you don’t discuss it, but try and approach the discussion with an open mind.

Also, I’m interested to know (rhetorical question) why, after a friendship that has endured the entire length of your children’s time at school, that you are only finding her intermittent absences difficult now?

Is she the same with other people? Could she have a bipolar disorder, for example?

People have different expectations of friendship. I saw someone the other day I.havent seen or spoken to in literally years but it was no different from when we used to bump into each other often and she introduced me to the people she was with as "this is my friend...."

I think its quite normal to have one or two best friends and everyone else is just more of a familiar friendly face. It's maybe selfish but if i don't check in with friends it's usually because life is particularly busy - whether its kids clubs, work, family obligations/birthdays/medical stuff...not because I don't care about them and I'd still try to reply if they messaged me or be there for them if they needed something - but it's just not top of my priority list. Sometimes maybe I'm just messaging or seeing a different friend a bit more those few weeks. Also its slightly hormonal - i tend to withdraw at certain times of my cycle just because I'll be tired and grumpy. When life settles down a bit (even briefly) I'm more likely to have time to think about friends and check in with how they are?

It's very likely not about you. Do you check in with them when they disappear?

She’s not your friend. She’s using you when she fancies being in contact. There is no way I’d put up with that. Stop contacting and if she contacts you don’t reply.

I do that. It's not that I don't care about my friend, I do and would be there in a heartbeat for her, it's just I'm terrified that if I keep texting/meeting up/ etc, she will get annoyed and possibly not want me around anymore. So whilst my (mostly) sensible brain tells me not to be so daft, my (at random times), weird brain tells me to back off and give her space. It maybe that her flakiness is just that, or there could be some anxiety issues. Next time she gets in touch ask her why she goes silent for lengths at a time...the answer might surprise you.

I would also say it’s this.

Why not talk to her about how this makes you feel. She may have a really good reason which you will then understand or at least she will know why you are backing away

Oh that's ok then. MH issues don't give you a free pass to treat others so badly, You cannot become moody if others don't jump when you click your fingers. Surely she is old enough to have a conversation and say she has issues and if she goes n/c it is because she is having an episode. Most folk will accept that and understand but when you run hot and cold with no explanation people get pissed off and rightly so. Having mh issues does not give you the right to upset folk.

I’m like this. It’s not deliberate or any kind of selfish “using” of someone, nor is it bipolar disorder (what an extreme thing to jump to), and I’m not depressed. I am, however, a real introvert with ADHD and I do have periods where I can meet everyone’s social expectations, and periods where I just can’t find the mental energy to be sociable. My friends all know that, and they also know if they came to me and really needed me during my quiet periods, I’d be there for them in a heartbeat

I agree that mh issues do not give you the right to upset folk but the difference is the reaction you might receive when explaining that (a) you have liver disease, chronic migraines or MS, which makes you very tired intermittently, compared with explaining (b) you have bi-polar disease, chronic depression or autism, is potentially very different.

She may well have mental health or personal issues that cause her to go off radar but if she's never explained this she can't be surprised if you do drop back yourself.

I'm sympathetic to those with mental health issues but you need to look after YOUR mental health too. If her picking you up and dropping you is bad for your mental health then yes you need to drop back and that's fine. We are all different and whilst I can cope with a bit of flaky behaviour, I did find in my younger years that the hot and cold guessing game with no meaningful communication about what was going on would start to slowly torture me.

The bit that stood out for me was her getting huffy when you didn't react to her reappearance with unalloyed joy. That doesn't sound like someone with mental health difficulties. That sounds like someone with a very high opinion of herself who thinks you should feel grateful for her favour.

If you want to remain friendly then do so just don’t put to much of you out there to her.

I’ve got friends I haven’t spoken to in years that if we bumped into each other we could have hours long chats and then nothing again for ages.

I don’t do enough to have people I need to talk to daily or even weekly. 😅

I’d not bother being her friend at all anymore. Shitty way to treat you, MH issues or not. Sick of people using MH as an excuse for poor behaviour.

I would be brutally honest if it was me - I'd tell her that when she drops me for months at a time my life carries on fine without her. If she thinks she can dump me and then expect me to celebrate her deigning to acknowledge me again she is delusional.

It also depends on your definition of friendship. We all have different individual circumstances. I have many siblings and first and second cousins with whom I am
close. I am also involved in a church community and have a volunteering role and a husband and adult dc.

Outside of those things, and running a home, even though I am retired, I don’t have huge amounts of time for friends. It just isn’t logistically possible to see them very frequently. I love it when I do see them but they tend to be the same as me with busy lives so it’s hard to pin down dates to see each other.

Emotionally speaking, although this may seem harsh, I hope I am there for my friends and am always really interested in their opinions, insights and experiences, but I don’t feel the need to unburden myself to a friend because I am fortunate to have many family members I would go to first in a crisis. So superficial though it sounds, I simply don’t seek the sort of friendships where people expect a lot of intimacy and support.

So whereas lots of people on this thread think it’s shitty to see friends and then have a long gap before seeing them again, I am questioning that premise.

My guess is she's got health issues or someone in her family has and she doesn't want to tell you (too many people will gossip behind your back about this kind of thing). When she's disappearing it's because she's struggling and has no spare bandwidth for maintaining the intensity of the friendship.

Personally I'd only take it as rudeness if you're texting her about something important and she's ignoring you. It might be that she can't reach out herself but that she'd reply if you did. Or that she just doesn't have anything to say to banal daily comments because all that's in her head is a rant about her situation and she doesn't want to drop that on you, so ignores texts talking about the mundane like "what's for tea" or "how are you" type texts. If you're telling her your life has caved in and she's not responded within a day, or trying to arrange to meet next week and she's not getting back to you even to say she can't meet up right now, then yeh that's rude IMO whether ill or not. So it depends on exactly what's happening whether I'd step back from the friendship or not.

Does she have a partner who works away? That's the other thing I'm wondering, if she maximising time with him while he's around but is at a loose end while he's away.

From her reaction, it seems she doesn't consider herself to be ignoring you, so I'd find out for sure if she is before assuming it's that.

For myself I don't mind gaps in between meetups, it's the flaky ones I can't stand. The ones who don't even bother to check their texts once per week to see if they've missed any and claim they "forgot" to reply to mine. The ones who cancel last minute (which in my world equals the day before) for no reason. I've usually had to rearrange my week to fit in meeting up with someone, so I get mightily pissed off if they decide they're "too tired" or basically have had a better offer and cancel me. If we've got plans, I expect people to organise themselves so that those plans can go ahead, just like I'm having to do. It doesn't matter if it's just a coffee and catch up, if they cancel thinking it's not important, it means I've rearranged my week (which probably involves rushing about on some other days to carve out this time gap to meet, or getting up despite having had a bad night's sleep because there's no time for a lie in if I'm to fit everything in) for nothing. Those are the people I drop, not the ones who stay in regular-ish communication but don't have constant availability for friends every month.

best thing is to talk to her.

I have a friend like this, was like it for years . She would get involved in some hobby or whatever with other people and I’d barely hear from her for months. I got sick of it in the end and told her how I felt. She apologised and hadn’t realised she’d done any of it. Things got better for a while but then it started happening again. She then got diagnosed with ADHD and it became obvious that she was having periods of intense hyper fixation which meant she genuinely didn’t think about much else. It’s also quite common with adhd that things that aren’t right in front of your face are forgotten about.
ive learnt to accept that this is just how she is and she has told me to tell her when I feel like she’s behaving like this. And tbh I have noticed her make a real effort with it.

I think you should do whatever you feel is right but often times, I doubt she'll be that bothered anyway.

I'm a bit like this and I've just got a lot of my social cup already filled so I don't really see it as a big deal to step back for a while.

I acknowledge that this only works if both parties are happy with it and so if someone wanted to step back from me, that's completely their choice and I'm fine with it.

I have a friend like this. She was a victim of domestic violence multiple times and child abduction twice and I supported her in very practical ways such as looking after her baby while she detoxed from alcohol misuse and taking her to pick her older children up from school when her abusive ex would turn up to intimidate her despite court ordered contact. She would then disappear when she took another abusive partner back and abuse alcohol and cut me off again.

I had to accept that she was for all of the above reasons and the impact of the abuse unable to maintain a friendship with me and I took the decision to keep a distance for my own sanity. We are friends on Facebook but not more than that and I no longer get involved.

This is exactly how two friends of mine behave who both have severe depression. It is frustrating. I’ve widened my social circle so I’m not reliant on them.

thanks for the replies, just to give more context I have a close group of life long friends, and other less close friends, work friends, NCT friends, point I’m making is I’m not badgering her for friendship or making a nuisance of myself texting her constantly.
We met through school and have always got on well, have socialised together hundreds of times, we have even been away for the weekend together a few times.
She will be in daily contact and I’m under the impression we’re fairly close friends who confide in each other/ laugh together etc, then without warning she will disappear for months, only to then resurface and turns out everything was fine she just…..decided to ignore me for ages. I’ve asked her when she’s done it if I’ve done something to offend her and she’s profusely told me no, not at all. But never given me a reason why, each time.
I just find it really strange, I’ve never known anyone like her.
When she has gone to ground, I’ve text her as I usually would to say hi do you fancy doing such and such with the kids, or hi do you fancy booking into that reformer class we were talking about, and there’s been no response - ok, fine,she’s busy. Then weeks will go by, and I might text again and say hi just checking you’re ok, and again nothing, even though I can see she’s on her WhatsApp and social media constantly throughout the day. I know her, she always has her phone in her hand.

I just think it’s a shitty way to treat someone, repeatedly. For context she doesn’t have bipolar etc and she has a huge supportive family/husband, she works 2 days a week volunteering in a charity shop, there doesn’t really appear to be a reason for her behaviour other than she’s a crappy friend?