AIBU to feel frustrated by my husband's demanding adult daughter?

[Fab33]

I have a partner that has one child (adult) daughter late 20s she is well putting it politely very demanding of his time, she has a good job partner of her own no real friends tbh but a good career and partner and home appears happy in herself etc, I came into her dad's life afew years ago we are now married set up home together, I absolutely step back and allow them time alone and to do activities together ,active involve her in our day to day lives, we get on OK etc but I have recently been falling out with my partner as tbh it's really reduculous how he is with her .
HE IS A good dad yes, but never says no to her she will turn up at house on her days off want lifts all over, demand dad takes her here there and every where, finds excuses to have him go to her house constantly rings and texts like a unusual high amount, I cannot expect her to change a relationship with her dad because we are together and I don't expect to I honestly take a step back but it's very strange, for context mum isn't on the scene so may exain abit why she is as she is, but a example of the way she is, she turns up wanting a lift home(we live in a busy town centre), and then insists dad drives her 30 mins for something takes her to supermarket and all sorts 3 hours and the where just nipping her home,
Every time she knows dad and I have a day off together and she is at home she's ringing and texting and finds a excuse to need him, I have no restrictions as to when she visits and I encourage them to do activities together but I am finding this is causing a huge wedge between us as we never get any "" us""time literally if she is off work she bombard our days, dad is retired I work still part time.
I have spoken to him and he just says she is demanding and agrees but he basically will not say no to her ever,
I absolutely believe she shoukd come first and her needs as his adult child but at what point does it stop struggling and finding it hard to see a future where I'm not getting annoyed at a constant basically adult demanding toddler!

She is proving that she is most important and you are nothing, quite intentionally. Surely you knew how she behaved before you married him. That he was incapable of saying no to her.
I'm not sure where you go from here. Try discussing it with your dh, but that is unlikely to go well. If it doesn't work, wait until it happens next and go out for the day. Don't communicate. Make him understand how it feels.

I absolutely believe she shoukd come first and her needs as his adult child

Why should she come first when, as you say, she is an adult?

There is helping children even as an adult and there is being the worlds biggest adult, but it wont change

You clearly dislike her and resent that she and your husband have a close relationship, but your DH is happy with it, and it’s up to him. You don’t hear to control him out of jealousy. I don’t think it’s ridiculous for a woman to be close to her Dad. When women are close to their mothers no one bats an eyelid.

No, her needs as an adult child do not come before yours as you are his wife . You need to speak to him again .

You have a DH problem...

There's a reason why people with no friends, have no friends.

Your DH has probably spent years trying to make up for her DM not being about but he should have pulled back sooner. Your marriage is being damaged and your retirement will just be more of the same unless he's willing to put you first now and then. Tell him you want a few days kept aside for the two of you, on those days if his DD calls the answers no.

It's not going to change, your DH has already said he's quite happy with the current relationship with his daughter. So the question is really, do you stay and put up with it or do you leave?

OP does not come over as jealous .
Her DH 's DD however comes over as extremely manipulative and her behaviour is totally unreasonable. And OP's DH is enabling this behaviour.

If OP's H continues to pander to his DD's every whim and continues to put his adult DD first despite her clear jealousy of his relationship with his wife then I don't see much future for the marriage.

That sounds completely over the top for an adult. My guess is that DH has overcompensate for decades for whatever reason and now it’s difficult to break the pattern.

He’s going to have to gently but surely let her break away and stop being so dependent on him, it’s not healthy and it’s unfair on you.

So I counted today just out of interest 53 txt messages she's sent her dad and two phone calls🤣

Wow, that’s a lot! What on earth is she saying? Does he reply as much? She sounds jealous of you and like she is in competition for his time/attention.

This isn’t normal but the problem is you should have addressed it before now as he will find it hard to break the cycle.

I think you should tell him this isn’t on and that she doesn’t always need to come first. She’s not a child for God’s sake.

If it was for a shirt period, eg when she was in hospital/if she'd just lost her job, sending 53 text messages, turning up and expecting him to drop everything and drive her around would still be a bit much. As a regular thing, it's worrying-it's more than my friends with teenagers have to deal with. A lot more-they are told in no uncertain terms that dad's not a taxi!
I know everyone goes on about boundaries these days, but in a case like this, I'd have no problem setting limits, whether that be no turning up/getting lifts without prior arrangement, not calling/messaging every day etc. Well, would she like it if you or your dad expected her or her partner to be permanently on call?
Kids grow up, or should, and have their own lives-your husband is forever.

It's not normal is it thank you, he just makes excuses for her,unless it financial he never ever says no to her and yes I think she is jealous I think thing is I actively encourage them time, quite happy to step aside, and it's not like im always with him as I do work😂🤔,
I find it very strange but the last 24 hours I've ignored her and let him crack on and tbh found a inner peace, so long as she don't expect me to jump to her whims, I'm kinda like go for it love😂😂😂

OH wow! That's not healthy or normal. I don't think I've ever sent 53 messages in one day total, let alone to one person. I think your next holiday might have to be somewhere with no phone reception OP.
That intensity must be really negatively impacting her life as well as your DH's. She can't have time to work or study properly or have friends or a partner herself if she's so focused on your DH. If you speak to your DH I'd focus on how your SD needs to make space to build her own life. You are definitely not BU.

Such a massive assumption. Now the OP is sidetracked into engaging with demands that she justify her whole identity as a stepmother and how she fails when the priority is surely to work out whether there is a possibly unhealthy codependency going on with DH and DSD which needs exploring.

I’m really curious as to the content of these texts…care to share? Is it newsy items or popular instagrams trends or is it typed out text messages???

Hmm she doesn't sound well. Is she vulnerable in some way? Why is your H pandering to it? It feels.....enabling in some way and I can only understand it if father feels she is incapable of managing herself.

Most adult children learn to survive without constant input from their parent. Would it be worth exploring with your H what is leading to both of them not wanting to change that aspect of their relationship?

Can't see much you can do here except speak to him honestly, explain how it's affecting you & ask him to put a few more boundaries in place when it comes to her requests for his time. And I suppose, reconsider the relationship if it comes to it.

Agree you need to speak with your husband. This is not normal. The problem is if it’s addressed you will be the bad guy.

Yes the daughter is acting like a petulant child however the boundaries need to come from your husband. He should have made clear to her that he is stepping back a bit now shes an adult. Speak to him and if things dint change i would leave ,because do you really want to be dealing with into old age/retirement? Yes she would have gotten what she wanted by "seeing you off" but I just couldn't love like that for years until either one if us died .

Where's her partner in all this?

common MN phrase: your problem here is your DP.

His DD’s behaviour wouldn’t be a big problem were it not for your DP’s behaviour.

‘mum isn't on the scene’ could mean a lot of things and may well be a factor in why DP is behaving as he does.

If for this reason he’s a poor partner to you, reconsider living together and/or the relationship.

Your anger towards her is misplaced: DP is solely responsible for his actions.