Chair Throwing aibu?

[Trulimero]

I need some outside perspective because I feel like I’m being completely twisted here.

A few weeks ago my husband and I had an argument. It started earlier in the day when he made a comment that upset me. I told him I was hurt by it, but he deflected and things escalated. I then became quite cold with him, but I wasn’t shouting or being aggressive.

Later that evening it blew up and during the argument he threw a chair. It wasn’t aimed directly at me, but it was in the next room with the door open and I was standing near the doorway approximately 3 meters away. It was done in anger.

Since then he has refused to apologise, staying I drove him to it. He says it wasn’t intimidating, that he was “in control” because he knew where he was throwing it, and that I “drove him to it”. I’ve said he may not have intended to intimidate me, but it did feel that way, especially as he’s bigger than me.he completely dismisses that.
When I was telling him that it was intimidating, he said if I say that one more time he will jump in front of a train. I genuinely don't think he understands how it can be intimidating. He’s also said its because I was premenstrual.

He told me he spoke to a friend who said he doesn’t blame him because I had apparently been goading him all day, which is not the case. I was quieter because I was upset, not spoiling for a fight.

He also brings up that about 8 years ago I threw a glass of water over him. I felt awful about, apologies for at the time, took accountability , and have never done anything like that since. I know it was totally unacceptable and crossed a line.
For context, about 3 years ago he also threw a pram in another room during a rage.

All I’ve wanted is an apology and acknowledgment that throwing something in anger isn’t okay, but he refuses and keeps turning it back on me. He is rationalising it and making it out to be my fault. We are at an impasse now.

I feel like I'm going mad being told this wasn’t a big deal and that I'm the problem for reacting to it.

He expects an apology from me, AIBU to not want to give one?

He’s abusive. And violent.

Did children see this happening?

When would it ever be reasonable to throw a chair, or a pram?
Never.
Never ever.

I am concerned about this - first time it’s a pram, second time a chair, next time it’s you he’s lashing out at. The fact he doesn’t see that what he did was violent, intimidating and totally inappropriate is a huge red flag.

This is NOT a normal response to an argument with a partner and you need to take his escalations seriously

You've been having violent arguments for 8 years, I don't think it's going to get any better.

Older kids were upstairs, I had the younger one in the bath, which is why I was in the doorway so I could keep watching him. None of them saw it but they would have heard the arguing.

He says it was ridiculous when I asked him would it be a woman's fault if their husbands hit them? As he said it was my fault he threw the chair, and that he would never hit me. I do believe he wouldn't ever harm me physically.

I just can't see this as being justified and that I have to back down and say it's ok.?

He is being physically violent and excusing it under the classic "you made me do it". It's classic because that is what the majority of abusers say.

Please contact Women's Aid or your local DA charity to discuss what abuse looks like, and how it can affect you, and how it affects children permanently. Or read up about it on their websites, or Refuge website, or gov.uk website... you get the picture. But it's time OP, if you won't do it for yourself then do it for the children. They will seek out partners that model their parents relationship and that will mean them having a higher chance of being abused as an adult. Stop the cycle and get out.

I think you need to hear.

This is not normal.
this is not okay...

in fact.... its pretty insane.
If my dh did this and expected me to stay in the marriage he'd be very very very apologetic explaining he was having a breakdown or similar and proactively engaging in therapy while continuing to apologise...

You are delusional if you think he wont every hurt you. Isn't he doing it now by terrorising you in your own home???

Look to leave and if you feel you cant speak to womens aid.

You don’t need a reason to end the marriage. You don’t need to convince him it was violence. And yes, it’s violence, no matter what he says.

Blimey😱
It WILL escalate. My ex would hold up laptops, heavy ornaments, chopping boards, chairs..... And threaten to break me with them.
Then he started throwing, not AT me, near me.
Then he obviously got more confident and started shoving and pushing.
And then......... You can guess.
All the while maintaining that I was MAKING him behave like that.
You can stop this now. Over.

Does he throw chairs at work OP? Or in the pub with his friends? I imagine not.

He is abusive. Threatening to jump in front of a train is also abusive. He is attempting to control you by fear and intimidation.

Your children are also victims of domestic violence.

So either he completely lost control and threw the chair, which is abusive, or he knew exactly what he was doing and threw a chair which is also abusive. When you then tried to hold him to account he threatened you (which is what the “if you don’t stop I’ll jump” is). And he turned it back on you.

He's abusive, what you do with that information is for you to decide.

Yes. Leave ASAP.

Please leave, OP. This relationship is not safe.

Violent, abusive and he’s victim blaming. Leave.

So basically he's teaching you if he upset you, you can't tell him and you have to stay quiet. How dare you be not happy with what he said that he can say what he wants. And don't forget that you were the one who was upset with him to start with. You had more right than him to be mad, all you did was confront him about it

“You made me do it”, this is emotional manipulation to put his actions back on you so he doesn’t need to take accountability for being abusive. Read up on DARVO OP. Threading to jump in front of a train is him playing the victim. Get out while you can, he’ll only get worse.

Edited to add, don’t believe for a second he’ll never be physically abusive.

Your relationship is toxic.

You are both violent.

Why do you keep asking for an apology? Would an apology after 3 weeks of asking for it actually means anything?

Thanks for your message, yeah it probably sounds strange that I am waiting for an apology for so long, we only spoke properly about this yesterday after weeks of papering over the cracks, but I needed it resolved to move on. I couldn't move on without understanding where his head was at, turns out he thought it was my fault as I drove him to it and he thinks it was acceptable. I got my answer from him though, and now I'm left with the what to do about it. It's clearly not healthy to stay with eachother, but it's not as easy as saying just leave, I am constantly telling myself - is it really bad enough to rip the family apart etc, the logistics, it's not easy. Hence why I was asking for outside opinions, so I can get the reality check I need.

The absolute majority of the population do not throw furniture, or anything, when they are annoyed.
What kind of weak minded excuse is " you made me do it " if I had that kind of mind control over anyone I certainly wouldn't be wasting it on getting people to throw things "kinda near me but not actually at me"

The only person who's mind you control is your own. Do you think this is ok? Yes? Get help. No? Leave.

Hang on ?.. Are you waiting for an apology because you you think it was an accident?

Ie he was so incapable of managing himself in the moment he lost all rational ability to not throw things " kinda near you but not actually at you" and it just had to happen. You think there was no choice involved here ? Not even in the aim ???

Leave

He can't have been in control and simultaneously been goaded in to it.

Yes it is bad enough to leave. You have been conditioned and trained to accept it which is why you can't see how bad it actually is.

Please contact Women's Aid or your local DA charity (should be listed on your council's website) to talk about the abuse and how they can help you to leave.

What do you think is stopping you? Money, loneliness, fear of him attacking you for leaving, logistics of taking your belongings, emotional support?