AIBU to feel hurt that my daughter tells me nothing?

[Upsetmumm]

My DD aged 10 doesn’t tell me anything. Today I was standing around waiting for her and a parent congratulated me on something my DD achieved outside of school and I was surprised she knew as I haven’t really spoken to her ever as our kids are in different classes. I thanked her and just told her I was curious how she knew and she told me her DD told her as she overheard my DD talking about it at school.

This is not a one off it’s hundreds of examples. All the other kids seem to chat about things to their parents but my DD is never interested it seems in what others are doing and definitely wouldn’t even think about telling me if she did over hear.

It just feels that everyone knows everything going on with my kid and my life but I know literally not one thing. Even school places everyone knows the school my child is going to but when I ask her about the other kids her response is “ I don’t know”, she doesn’t seem to even care what others are doing but other kids it seems tell their mums every little thing! I feel a bit upset as I thought I’d have a close relationship with my daughter but it seems like I don’t,

any thoughts why she’s like this and what I can do? I know some people will twist what I’m saying and I’ve just written it. I obviously don’t think or feel this upset about it every single second of the day! Just incase someone mentions therapy trying to be funny but truthfully it hurts for some reason, I know by tomorrow morning I’ll be over it but can someone help me figure out why things are the way they are.

I think if you are asking 'closed' questions, you won't get much back. Saying "how was your day?", the easy answer is "fine".

Ask more open questions...like "I saw Hannah today, do you chat to her much? She used to be friendly in primary"
I would just burble on a bit with all sorts of chat slipping in innocent questions here and there

Don't see this as a reflection on your parenting. Adjust your parenting to your child. Every child is unique. Make opportunities for them to confide in you when they need to. But also allow them and believe in them to not need to confide! Because they are handling it themselves, knowing you are there when needed.

Try going for a walk. I find my daughter is super chatty on walks and tells me loads. Walking is definitely a good time for us to catch-up/chat.

If it makes you feel better, two of my children talked to me non stop at that age (one's always been more reserved)

BUT

I still didn't find out the actual important stuff.

I knew everything about their friend's families from one. and everything about Pokémon or whatever from another, but they could equally often not tell me big stuff until days later when something was clearly wrong.

I found out some relatively big things about the end of primary school from my youngest several years later when he was 14 despite the fact he talked non stop about whatever was in his head, or so it appeared at least, at 10!

I don’t tell my mum very much and never have.

I think some kids just like to talk about stuff more than others, OP. Nothing to worry about.

My dd was a "tell mummy everything" type. She was very curious, extremely interested in her classmates and had an incredible memory. She also never stopped talking (adhd!) so I ended up hearing a lot. In fact, I reckon some of the other parents would have been quite freaked out by just how much I knew about their home lives!!

My dd's classmate was a "tell mummy nothing" type. The answer to "how was your day?" was always "fine" or "ok". Much to the mum's frustration, there was never any additional information forthcoming and I often knew much more about what was going on in school with her dc than she did.

Fast forward a few years and they are both young adults. Both very sociable and well adjusted. Both doing really well academically. And both very close to their mums. It's just a personality difference and means nothing. DD still talks about stuff more than her friend, but it doesn't mean anything!

I had a mum friend like this, knew everything about my child, and I knew nothing as he never told me. It really got to me at one point, like she had the upper hand over me, and she appeared to relish telling me things.

Honestly don't over react like I did, he sometimes tells me stuff, and I have to be very careful not to question, as he will shut down. I think he’s a bit of an introvert like me, but try not to worry.

I was like your daughter, I hated the 'how was school' question and always just answered fine! I didn't want to talk about school once I got home.

I'm quite a private person anyway and I find myself not telling my family things because then I get endless questions and then they want to know how did it go etc and I find them a bit exhausting! Some people are just a bit more reserved and there's nothing wrong with that.

Some people are nosey and care about what other people are doing, some people couldn't give a monkeys. Your daughter seems like she isn't bothered about what everyone else is getting up to. Her mind is probably filled with stuff that interests her. Do you ask her about her interests? She might talk to you more about that instead.

One of my dd's was like this and as an adult still is to a degree. Now when she tells.me things she assumes she's already told me parts of the story so I'm always scrambling around trying to catch up. If I say to her that she hasn't told me about this or that she will be surprised.
I honestly don't know if she believes she has already told me, or that her communication skills are a bit different.

I don't know if it is because she is neurodivergent but I always feel like that her communication is on a "need to know" basis 😅

She is a very private person yet she says all the time now as an adult how close we are, gets her friends to talk to me when they can't talk to their own dms and I do feel we are extremely close. I've accepted over the years that she is a more private person than my other DCs.

So don't be disheartened, it's not necessarily a sign that you are not as close as you thought.
Your DD might just not have the same need to communicate as other children.
Stop comparing her and focus on other areas of your relationship with her.

My son was like this, really didn’t want to talk about school. So at bedtime, in his room in the dark we told each other 3 interesting facts about our days. He laughed at most of mine but it got him to open up about school and started a conversation. He is 28 now and sometimes walks in and says tell me 3 interesting facts mum. I then know he has something he wants to talk about.

I second the bedtime chat, my DC used to open up a lot then. On reflection I think it was to delay bedtime by keeping me in the room.

My dd is 20 now and has always been a very quiet and independent girl. She is uncomfortable with most questions but will happily open up if I just give her time. She has always enjoyed going for a drive or sometimes a walk. It’s something about being side by side and my eye contact being averted from her to the road ahead. She really opens up if I remember to ask about something she already told me, like I’ve listened and want an update.