AIBU to feel hurt that my daughter tells me nothing?

[Upsetmumm]

My DD aged 10 doesn’t tell me anything. Today I was standing around waiting for her and a parent congratulated me on something my DD achieved outside of school and I was surprised she knew as I haven’t really spoken to her ever as our kids are in different classes. I thanked her and just told her I was curious how she knew and she told me her DD told her as she overheard my DD talking about it at school.

This is not a one off it’s hundreds of examples. All the other kids seem to chat about things to their parents but my DD is never interested it seems in what others are doing and definitely wouldn’t even think about telling me if she did over hear.

It just feels that everyone knows everything going on with my kid and my life but I know literally not one thing. Even school places everyone knows the school my child is going to but when I ask her about the other kids her response is “ I don’t know”, she doesn’t seem to even care what others are doing but other kids it seems tell their mums every little thing! I feel a bit upset as I thought I’d have a close relationship with my daughter but it seems like I don’t,

any thoughts why she’s like this and what I can do? I know some people will twist what I’m saying and I’ve just written it. I obviously don’t think or feel this upset about it every single second of the day! Just incase someone mentions therapy trying to be funny but truthfully it hurts for some reason, I know by tomorrow morning I’ll be over it but can someone help me figure out why things are the way they are.

She's gradually becoming independent. Let her. Be there for her, but be independent yourself. Not needy.

I just wait to be told things

So is it that she chooses not to tell you anything - or that she isn't interested so either think it's not worthy of repeating or maybe doesn't even remember?

Because from what you've said, it sounds like the latter.

Are you asking at the wrong time maybe, as I get those sort of answers if I ask straight after school but later on in the evening if we are sitting snuggled up together or at bedtime, she seems to open up more.

Thank you! I was getting disheartened by the first 2 replies as they don’t seem to get it! Yes it’s that she doesn’t seem interested which makes me fear is there something wrong and secondly she doesn’t feel the need to tell me. Like the other little girls I see running to their mums telling them literally everything without taking a breather whilst mine just responds “okay” when asked about how was your day but same question I hear the other mums ask “how was your day?” the kids excitedly recount the whole day. I hear them when walking from school to the car

Maybe? I didn’t consider this. I’ll try tomorrow.

It was around that age that I noticed dd becoming more private. Until then I could almost read her thoughts, or guess fairly accurately what things she would like etc.

It is normal development, and very important in the process of becoming an independent individual.

But I also found that there was a sweet spot, just before bedtime when she sometimes got more talkative. Right after school she could be quite closed down. Tween girls become much more complex socially and I guess there was probably a lot to process in a school day. After years of bedtime battles I thought the dc were finally old enough to quietly put themselves to bed, and discovered bedtime stories 2.0

It’s not every night, but if I’m going to hear stuff, that’s when I’ll hear it,

My son was exactly the same as a child and hasnt changed with age. He never had any interest in what was going on with other people and didn't tell me about things that he didnt consider important.

As an adult he still doesn't tell me anything that he doesn't consider important, has no interest in drama, gossip or other peoples business, works hard, keeps his head down and is a loyal, well liked and respected friend.

I don't see it as a negative quality.

@Grabity thank you. Really lovely to hear this! There is hope then

Do you have opportunities to relax and chat?
I'd know nothing if we didnt all sit down for family meals during the week (not every night).
And walking the dog means we chat.
And for us car journeys seem to be a fantastic place to have conversations.

I used to think my boys would be ideal candidates for MI5 (when they were in Primary school). Never told me anything. Now at uni. I get told slightly more.

@Alltheusefulitems did you ever feel the way I am like hurting that your son doesn’t share anything with you and a bit upset when you hear things from others? Like for example I heard from a parent that their child told them a teacher was really nasty to my DD during residential and my DD was crying but I didn’t hear anything from my daughter! Had the parent not told me I wouldn’t have ever known and that frightens me

My kids are still quite young, but I remember being at school myself. I’m a natural introvert and by the time I got home I had used all my social energy and just felt totally drained and switched off my talking mode.

Of course now I can see the other side, but I remember just feeling like I couldn’t muster the energy to converse any more for the day. Do you think it’s something like that?

Some kids do react more emotionally to the every day, some need to be dramatic to get parental attention. I think most take things in their stride.

Do you have lots of drama every day at work? I have very little to report to my nearest and dearest. Thank goodness!

And DD - after some very trying times on the school system - is thriving at College and never says more than her day was 'ok' or 'good'. But we are very close.

Stop comparing her to the few minutes you see of other children.

Has she ever chatted about her day / feelings with you? As in, is this a new thing as she's become a tween, or has it always been this way?

@Pancakeflipper i feel we do but I can try adding more time during the day.

@Johnogroats lol Mi5!

Could be. What ways could you think of that your mum could have got you to speak more to her? Have you got any ideas on what I could try?

Dd1 is like this tells us nothing, I’m quite similar I guess. Dd2 however tells us all the gossip. Some people are just more private

@LauraMipsum she’s not very big with her feelings. She doesn’t show any emotion really. Always been like this no changes

Yes, snuggled up with a book at bedtime is when DD would open up with things she wasn't sure about and wanted to check out with her mum

Yes I have in the past and do even now feel upset that he hasn't told me things but it's just his part of him and the way he is. It's not a reflection of our relationship and I have no doubt it's not a reflection of your relationship with your daughter either 💐

I can distinctly remember my parents always asking “how was school?” I used to find this really annoying as a child and hardly told them anything at the time they asked because I used to think why on earth would I want to talk about school? I’ve been there all day! 🤣

Respect her privacy, while making space (e.g. at bedtime) for quiet conversations if she wants them. Some children are more private.

@Alltheusefulitems I’m so sorry the typos I made when replying to your post! I’m exhausted! Thank you for still understanding what I was trying to say! I hope it’s not a reflection of my relationship with her. I do want her to open up more

I think my mum probably felt like that and still does. I prefer to keep areas of my life and the people separate. I actually feel quite uncomfortable when they come together. So prefer not to talk about school to anyone not at school makes perfect sense to me. Doesnt mean i dont love my mum. I found the well intentioned questions quite invasive and exhausting. Made me clam up even more. I need a LOT of space to ever be forthcoming. Love my mum to bits though!