Was private school worthwhile for your neurodiverse child?

[FriedaForever]

Was sending your neurodiverse (ASD, ADHD etc) child to private school worth it?

Do you think they would have been much worse off in a state school?

child 1 (asd)
State: might get a gcse or 2
Private: on track for full set of gcse between 6 and 8

child 2 (adhd)
state: classclown
private: turns out he’s twice exceptional and miles ahead of the curriculum if properly supported

i think thr verdict is clear
just to clarify this is NOT the teachers’ fault - but the system is utterly broken

AuDHD DS1 loves state secondary and is excelling (genuinely, is in top sets and will get highest grades if he stays on track). He has a lovely geeky crew, too. Does all the extra-curriculars.

Where did you relocate from?

Because my child’s private mainstream school provides a calm safe atmosphere we have no interaction with SEN anymore. No need to. There’s none of the overwhelming experiences that led to breakdowns in state.

I don’t think it’s fair at all to suggest private schools and state schools are starting from an equal footing. Their funding models are completely different and their budgets to spend on premises, staff and activities is widely different too.

They don’t “want” to be inclusive, they need to be. The government in many cases refuse to provide funding for appropriate placements so children of all abilities and health conditions end up in state schools, often 30 kids and 1 teacher. Burnout also results in high staff turnover. They simply don’t have the funding to offer what private schools can.

Likewise, most families can barely afford the basic living costs, let alone thousands each term on schooling. That said, my children are doing very well in state primary and as well as getting a good education, they’re also growing up in a very “real world” environment which serves them well, I feel. So this isn’t a dig on state schooling at all.

Yes for the nurturing pastoral care and being really known to staff who bent over backwards for her

DS went to a small state primary which was fantastic - because they were friendly, and able to get to know him and his foibles.

He goes to a small private secondary, because if he'd gone to a comp like mine he would have been eaten alive. The secondary I chose because again, it's a very friendly place, it's small so everyone knows him, and it lets the kids be good a what they are good at, rather than ignoring you if you're not sporty or shoving you in a corner if you're not academic. He's found some nerdy mates, and is thriving.

I strongly disagree with this.

Non SEN private schools are better for some SEN children. Usually the ‘Asperger’s’ style ASD kids who need small classes, calm and are capable of sitting still and listening. Or the dyslexics/dyspraxics.

For the ADHD/ODD kids they don’t necessarily fit at all - and those kids are ‘asked to leave’. So they end up in state.

I’ve found at primary school that state is able to cater much better for the ADHD kids. Not all state schools of course, but the provision has been far better at my DD2s state primary than was provided to a similar child at DD1s private primary.

Dd is in a relatively small co-Ed private school. She changed in year 9 from a large state school, where she was not coping. She’d already had a bout of near school refusal at age 6/7, so it was vital to act when I realised she wasn’t ok. It was totally the right thing for her and allowed her to pass all her GCSES and she’s sitting A levels this year.

OP, the issue you have is very few people send their child to private and then move to state (unless they can’t afford it). However, parents get more choice with private and so are more likely to remove from an unsuitable state school. So you can’t really compare unless you ask how those in state schools only got on (and even then you can’t compare because it’s just one system).

For reference, DS is 6 and diagnosed with ASD and is in a state school. He is doing very well and no plans yet to move to private. He is making expected progress though and I would argue so much depends on the school itself, not just whether it is state or private.

I would also ask about those who moved from one state school to another or one private school to another, as that might tell you more about what to look for or avoid.

No

far too much pressure on ds to achieve high grades

there is less support now he is at state school but he had a tutor now and this works much better for him him and he is happier

If there are 4 people together, some neurotypical, some neurodivergent then this is neurodiversity.

A person is not neurodiverse. They are neurodivergent.

A private education will be the best thing you can do for your child. It will likely be a neuroaffirming environment not least because many people who can afford it are at the top of their game due to the focus divergents have.

Yes absolutely although I think it was the specific school rather than it being private if you see what I mean. It had a really nice family feel, staff turnover was low, you could pay for 1 to 1 with the SENCO and sports, music, residentials etc were high quality. Wraparound and holiday club and activities like cooking all on site. A really effective Head who "got" her.

It set her up so well that she's coping well in year 8 of a comprehensive now and achieving at average levels.

I’d 100% agree with this. My child’s school loves the Asperger’s high functioning ASD kids as they often get 100% in the national exams, get high As in everything and make their stats look great. A child with ADHD throwing chairs wouldn’t last the morning before being asked to leave. Harsh but true.

My sen child started at a selective private secondary and we moved to state for financial reasons. On balance, he is doing better in state. As others mentioned, the highly competitive, sporty, alpha types weren’t really his bag, he is also more confident being towards the top academically and actually he has said that the teaching is better. Just as much SEN support (to be fair not much in either school but more in the state one and the team are lovely).

My best friends ASC daughter went to 2 private secondary schools. First was a high achieving girls school. When she started to struggle with going into school, they weren’t very helpful in making any adjustments so she became a school refuser. Second school was much smaller, and although not a special school, most of the children did have additional needs. She never really settled socially there and started refusing to go. They finally sent her to our local state secondary and it has been the best fit for her. They are actually much more accommodating. They have pastoral areas if she needs a quieter space or someone to talk to. When she had a period of not going in, one of the pastoral team would pop round with some reading books for her each day (she is an avid reader), after a few days of this she started going to school to get the books, with no pressure to stay, this then led to staying for a bit and built up to her getting back in to lessons. The state schoolhas definitely been the most proactive in adapting to help her and meet her needs.

I just realise I should add my youngest is a very different profile to oldest and is in specialist primary - a state provision.

Started in a base but moved 2 months ago to wholly specialist school focusing of speech languages communication.

He has been very well served by the state sector - absolutely fabulous teachers who have loved him and he goes to school happily every day.

The setting, ethos, local authority, and one’s ability to advocate for one’s child play a massive part in their success.

I agree with this, as a parent of two boys with ASD but no ADHD and working in a private prep with lots of boys with ASD doing very well. ADHD boys do far less well for the stated reasons, as do the boys with a PDA profile.

We needed something different for our ND dc.
He needed somewhere small, fewer DC, being known by the staff, small space to navigate. No national curriculum.

He needed help to regulate and feel safe before he could think about academics.

He's very bright, has got a good job and no problems with literacy and numeracy.

But he could not learn while overstimulated and hurried.

I think it depends on the level of need. SEN children who just need a bit of extra nurturing often do well in private schools with smaller class sizes, better behaviour and clear expectations. But for SEN children with a higher degree of need than that, private schools are often terribly poorly equipped to deal with them and they'd actually do better in a supportive SEN-friendly state school.

I went to a lovely private school and it was really nice. Unfortunately, they expelled me and I had to go to the local comp from year 7-8 and I found it really hard to make friends there because it served a deprived council estate and I couldn't really relate to any of the kids there.

My state school in year 10 onward was really amazing. I think really depends on the school and the economic prosperity of the local area.

200% private for my ND kids. Has to be the right school though. Different school for each as different needs. I looked at so many schools state and private before finding the best ones and I was resigned to the driving.

The provision for my younger AuDHDI don’t think you could get in the state sector. It was also staffed by people like him and for the first time he had people who understand him and he could see people like him achieving and having good lives.

Staff at both schools were also very invested in the children being happy at school.

Also quiet environment, small class sizes, lots of hands on learning, soft skills and movement.

Exactly the same experience for us. Son at state primary was diagnosed dyslexic I in year 5 at primary. Headteacher understanding but class teacher continued to think he was just lazy. Gained place at local selective independent for year 7, they accepted and accommodated his dyslexia. Primary class teacher expressed incredulity that he had gained a place. Thought he'd be a science/maths boy when he started there, he loved all the sport but found a love of ancient history which was an option he'd never have had at state school. All his teachers understood his dyslexia, and the science loving 11 year is now an ancient history student at a redbrick university. This simply would not have happened if he had attended our local state school

I went to private school before neurodivergence was diagnosed. I benefited from smaller class sized. You were encouraged to think independently. It was great at a time when female role models lacked.

I remember a friend on my street at state school being outraged that I didn't use my finger to make a space between each word when I wrote. She was adamant I was doing it wrong. I specifically remember thinking 'but that's not the only way of doing it'.

A fair number of kids at private school are ND (and highly over represented at Oxford and Cambridge which I thought was interesting)

Quality of friends - are they nice, not shallow, not going to lead astray with too much money and no sense etc. is important. Do they have a good work ethic.