AIBU to feel let down when my husband will not do pick-up as agreed?

[iwanttogetaway]

I have two DC, aged 3 and 1. Nursery pick-up is awful.

My 3 year old often refuses to get in the car, runs away, screams, kicks me, and sometimes I have to physically restrain him. On the drive home he screams things like “I hate you”, “you’re not my mummy”, and “stop the car, I want to get out”. The baby then cries too. If I ask a question he say do not talk to me. Then tells me off for not talking to him. I know he is tired and he is really sweet at other times.

It feels unbearable. It feels like my whole body is crawling up itself and that my brain is about to implode. It's this enormous feeling that is just awful.

DH says DC is never like this with him and tends to say he’s tired or has had a hard week, but this has been ongoing for months. I don’t think I’m especially soft, but I’m at the end of my tether.

I also have a lot going on: a recent ADHD diagnosis, antidepressants after severe PPD, an alcoholic mum who is in and out of hospital, work, housework, cooking, and very little social life or support. I have been in counselling for over a year dealing with childhood abuse and neglect. I also have no family nearby, as I moved three hours away from home when I married DH.

Yesterday, after a particularly awful pick-up, I told DH he needed to do collection for a while. He agreed that if I did drop-off this morning, he would collect this afternoon. Now he’s saying he probably can’t, because he’s a self-employed farmer and is putting up a new shed today. He said he’ll try his best but I need to be on standby.

I told him that yesterday I felt so desperate I wanted to drop the children off with him and drive my car into a wall. He still hasn’t made a firm plan to collect them.

AIBU to feel really let down? I know his work matters, but I feel like I’m telling him I’m at breaking point and he still expects me to be the fallback.

Ah I really feel for you.YANBU!

I suffered PND and also had a difficult childhood/childhood trauma. I used to feel absolutely completely and utterly overwhelmed when my kids had tantrums. There is something about the screaming and crying that triggered me (and I use this in the strongest sense of the word) in way that it really did not with my husband (or other parents I know).

I don't know what to offer but this isn't about finding solutions for an upset/tired little kid. You need support and a break from pick ups.

Thank you @Ponderingwindow. I was going to write a mean reply about the fact they didn’t have children but your reply is better.

And tbh yes, I did expect him to jump in and spend some time with his children when he got home my bad!

So by your logic the working parent stops working at 7pm but the parenting parent has to parent 24/7??

I agree.

This may well help with the behaviour but I agree that the child’s behaviour is a red herring to a certain extent.

The OP is at crisis point and her husband won’t step up. What on earth mother would hear her husband say eh wanted to drive into a wall and still leave him to pick up the kids? None!

You do need support OP but I'm not sure the pick up is the battle you want to fight. Is there another way in which you could get a break?

At pickup time I think you really do just need to power through. Could he have a drink/snack in the car as an encouragement to get in and then you ignore any unwanted behaviour because you know it's just tiredness.

This was my exh too - except I was also working! A really demanding job but I happened to get back first (well someone had to…)

All I needed was for him to look after the baby/toddler (who still napped at nursery) whilst I gave the eldest a calm, baby-free bed time. He either wouldn’t do it, or, despite my pleas for him not to, would pat the baby to sleep on his chest before he’d had his night time feed - which I needed to do right after getting the eldest to bed!

So I was stuck with either a baby who hadn’t been fed and would wake in an hour or so, or waking up a baby for a feed who then wouldn’t sleep again.

It needed to be eldest to her first as she was in reception/ yr 1 and youngest was napping at nursery.

Or the final nail in the coffin when was he came in late, could hear me struggling with double bed time, but refused to come up and help. I came down to find him having eaten a leisurely dinner, eating a yoghurt in slow motion in the kitchen.

He would also come home later and later to avoid taking part.

And as I said, I was also working and my job was objectively more tiring!

You’re not the poster who’s farming husband keeps disappearing back to his parents farmhouse on the same land, does nothing to help and his parents constantly undermine you and look at you as a brood mare for the children are you?
If you aren’t then there’s definitely a couple of you on here that are under appreciated and low down on the list of farming priorities to the point, I don’t know how you guys cope with it all, I’m sending you a big hug.
Is there an option of an earlier pick up time, I wonder if the nursery day is abit too long for him and he’s overwhelmed and crabby.
My 5 year old tells me occasionally that he doesn’t like me, wants me to leave him alone etc usually it’s a day towards the end of the week and he’s tired, yours doesn’t mean it but when you’re feeling low it’s hard to take.

Definitely meet him with a drink and snack to have as soon as he is in the car.

Ditch your mother. Look at ditching the husband. You may find life easier as a single parent than the current situation. The farm situation will never resolve. The in laws will live forever and then there is the stress of taxes. If you stay married, consider living off the farm - your home will be your home and your DH will find it easier to not be at the beck and call of in laws. It’s an unequal dynamic being employed by your parents and living in their spare house by their grace. Not saying it’s an excuse to abandon the promise to pick up, but it does make it harder to down tools and go.

I read on here the great reply, that when your DC screams 'I hate you' to reply with a little smile
'That's a shame because I love you, very much'.

I found it really helpful having a reply ready up my sleeve.

Yy to going to the park for carbohydrates and fresh air before you go home, if you can. I never got dc2 - also ADHD - into the car without a jam sandwich and banana inside him first . . .

Does he have favourite songs he likes? Could you let him choose what you play in the car on the way home, so that the drive is something to look forward to too? ?

Best of luck. It is really tough managing this on your own. I felt very much as you did - and Mnet saved my sanity more than once.

Keep posting.

If you think your son has ADHD, remember that he is exhausted from masking all day and you are his safe space. My DS5 and his dad both definitely have it and the meltdowns when tired from DS are awful. I get the same stuff as you and it’s horrendous but I try really hard to remember that he’s doing it because he can let it all out with me.

I read something recently which helped me feel better about it, something like - only children who feel loved and safe with their parent say this kind of stuff because if they didn’t feel that you will always be there, they wouldn’t be secure enough to push you away.

I’m sorry your DH is useless and you are feeling so low. Definitely try bribery and I hope it gets better.

Everyone is a perfect parent until they have children. Possibly your totally ill informed reckons aren't helpful.

Yes, that farming dynamic is awful for women wanting some balance. I've got a friend who is in the same boat, and I get it.

I would throw an almighty strop at your DH. You essentially need to become the bigger pain in his ass to sort out than appeasing his parents and walking the well worn path of farm first family second that is in his brain. Does nursery have his phone number not just yours? TBH I'd switch phone off and go stay with a friend or in a hotel overnight and leave your husband to explain to nursery and to social services if needs be that he can't collect his child because there's a shed to put up. You are AT crisis point. Things need to break.

My little DS (2yo) says “I don’t want you” and physically pushes me away when he’s cross.

They don’t mean it - it means they are secure and they can push against you and you’ll always be there. If they thought they could actually push you away they would be scared to.