AIBU to feel let down when my husband will not do pick-up as agreed?

[iwanttogetaway]

I have two DC, aged 3 and 1. Nursery pick-up is awful.

My 3 year old often refuses to get in the car, runs away, screams, kicks me, and sometimes I have to physically restrain him. On the drive home he screams things like “I hate you”, “you’re not my mummy”, and “stop the car, I want to get out”. The baby then cries too. If I ask a question he say do not talk to me. Then tells me off for not talking to him. I know he is tired and he is really sweet at other times.

It feels unbearable. It feels like my whole body is crawling up itself and that my brain is about to implode. It's this enormous feeling that is just awful.

DH says DC is never like this with him and tends to say he’s tired or has had a hard week, but this has been ongoing for months. I don’t think I’m especially soft, but I’m at the end of my tether.

I also have a lot going on: a recent ADHD diagnosis, antidepressants after severe PPD, an alcoholic mum who is in and out of hospital, work, housework, cooking, and very little social life or support. I have been in counselling for over a year dealing with childhood abuse and neglect. I also have no family nearby, as I moved three hours away from home when I married DH.

Yesterday, after a particularly awful pick-up, I told DH he needed to do collection for a while. He agreed that if I did drop-off this morning, he would collect this afternoon. Now he’s saying he probably can’t, because he’s a self-employed farmer and is putting up a new shed today. He said he’ll try his best but I need to be on standby.

I told him that yesterday I felt so desperate I wanted to drop the children off with him and drive my car into a wall. He still hasn’t made a firm plan to collect them.

AIBU to feel really let down? I know his work matters, but I feel like I’m telling him I’m at breaking point and he still expects me to be the fallback.

Oh man I feel for you. I remember my ex finding any excuse he could to avoid helping when I was telling him I’m drowning and can’t cope. I think the fact you know there is no help despite not being ‘alone’ makes it feel worse. I split up and after a few months where he clearly tried and failed to replace me he came back and is 50/50 with me now very very amicable and supportive. We teeter on getting back together but I don’t trust all the fair and equal parenting not to dry up the second I’m trapped again. Plus I cannot forgive I told him I was hating life so bad I wanted to die and he walked out saying he needed space from my emotions leaving me alone to care for the kids in that state.

ask your husband how building a shed is more important than his wife and child when the wife is describing suicide fantasy’s over something he can easily help with. How long does the school run take? He can take a break from the shed. If he still won’t help you and this is a pattern of behaviour then I’d consider leaving him. My depression or whatever it was disappeared when I didn’t feel let down constantly and alone, I was more alone because I was single but I wasn’t being let down so it didn’t hurt!

This is worse than him telling you a firm no. I’d be considering divorce if I told my DH I was suicidal and he built a shed instead.

Not what you asked, but are you sure the nursery is the right one for your DS?

My DS used to go to a nursery that we weren’t happy with and moved him to a childminder in the end. When DS came out of nursery he would scream and refuse to get into the car (he was only 2 at the time) but it sounds like a similar kind of reaction. I think he was so stressed there that it all came exploding out when I collected him.

Sorry you’re struggling, and yes your DH is being awful.

I would text and say 'You are doing pickup. This is not optional.' And turn off your phone. You are at crisis point and need help asap. Have you been to the doctor recently? Are you seeing a counsellor? Is there a friend that you can go and talk to?

To add - you did absolutely the right thing by telling your DH exactly how you feel and trying to put in a short term solution. The fact that your DH just shrugged and said no to your cry for help is just awful.

You will be ok and you will get through this but you need to source help from someone other than your DH. He is not a safe person.

Do you take food to eat the car sounds like DS is ‘hangry’ ie tired and hungry. I can see you are disappointed DH has let you down but I think you also need to address why DS is so bad in car as could be dangerous. Take him banana so he isn’t so hungry. Good luck 🤞

I would say that in this situation the child's behaviour is not the problem. Children act up. The problem is that the OP is actively suicidal and has asked for a very small amount of help from her husband and he has refused to do it.

Rather than going straight to the car can you find a bench in a local park or green space and have a snack and 10 minutes to decompress?

whilst they are too young for a diagnosis it’s worth bearing in mind there is often a degree of heredity in neurodiversity, so if you have ADHD, there is a higher chance your child does. It sounds like they are overwhelmed and overtired and the sudden relief of being back in a safe space with you is causing them to explode. Can you give them some time before moving onto the next thing?

I bet they aren’t so great for your DP, which is why he’s actively avoiding the job too.

Chocolate buttons are what you need.

Plain old bribery.

"Hi Timmy did you have a good day... here's a chocolate button"
"Once we get to the car you can have another one."
Great job! And when you get in the car nicely you can have a couple more.
There you go"

Then you eat a couple yourself for hanging in there.

Sounds f-ing stressful 💐💐💐

Separately your husband sucks.

It sounds like you are really overwhelmed but even if dh did today's drop off, that probably wouldn't make a dent in the overwhelm.

Try to break it down into parts. Something like this...

1. Drop the rope with your mum. She's not your responsibility and you have enough on your plate.
2. Try strategies suggested on here for your ds's behaviour. Especially a snack. I also found mine hated the car after nursery and both kids are so much happier being picked up into a cargo bike, something to consider if possible.
3. Take a few days off work if possible to have a break.
4. Is the counselling actually helping you?If it isn't, stop going. A bad counsellor can make you feel worse about things, not better.

The main thing you need is for your husband to cop on to himself, but chocolate buttons are a great runner up. Or bubbles. Bubbles are a great distraction for car seats, everyone gets a turn to blow them when they're all buckled in safely.

Just turn off the phone? What if he doesn’t see the message —threat—?
are you back at work? Could you look at other
nurserys or are you needing two spaces?

edited to apologise that missed you’re at work! How would he feel if you said “gosh am too busy at work too”?!

I agree with bribery etc. However, drop your Mum. Your childhood was bad enough to need counselling. Don't put any extra stress on your and your DH's life to help her. You need a break somewhere. Have a full conversation with your DH and say you need something taking over. Perhaps get feedback on what he does differently. Although sometimes you are just counting down for them to grow up at bit, at difficult phases.

Unfortunately I have had a similar experience. I’ll never forget the days when I’d been at home with the children by myself all day and DH was out of the house 7 to 7. All I wanted to do when he got home was pass him the youngest to entertain while I got the oldest ready for bed. He point bank refused until he had had a shower and something to eat, by which point I had conveniently done the bedtime by myself.

I can tell you with great certainty it doesn’t get better OP. If you can, put your foot down now and insist on change. He has to give you a break, even if just for a day(!)

If your husband was out of the house 7am to 7pm working, then having something to eat and
a shower before children are thrown at him is the bare minimum.
I thought a stay at home parent "parents" and the partner works to keep the family.
Obviously I have no idea in real life, because
I avoided having children.

Thanks for the replies. Ye have all made me feel better

I highly suspect DC has ADHD but at 3 yrs old he is very young to diagnose. Also others say oh ya my child is like that too, but I feel it is a different sort of level. I am not saying they have an easy time at parenting, but that it is quiet different. I know I shouldn't compare but I can see that the 1 yr old is a lot more compliant/ listens

I am Irish but raised largely in London and then a town girl here. DH is a farmer. I had zero idea what I was entering. Farm comes first. As we live in the 'second' farm house which of course I am grateful for, we pay rent to my ILs and I don't get to even choose the colour of my new tiles after all the pipes burst.

Mum....... wow where do I start. She abandoned me several times over then decided to take me into an alcohol fueled house where I experienced a lot of stuff that wasn't right for kids (not the worst thing, but not nice).

The counsellor I see is specifically for adults who were abused as kids. I didn't even realise I was abused. Now I knew the very worst bits were wrong. But the rest of it I thought everyone goes thro stuff. Turns out yes they do, but no, not that sort of stuff.

That sort of stuff makes you feel like you don't matter and then when you children - thro very normal developmental stages tell you similar things - it injures. Genuinely yesterday my 'wrong' brain when I heard DC saying I don't love you mummy go away' was planning, ok well, then I guess if he doesn't want me and I make his life bad I should leave.

There are a few farmers wives/partners in here and it sounds utterly incompatible with family life.

Are you being treated for your ADHD and PPD? If so, maybe you need a review? If not, maybe this is the sign you need to be. I dont know how how you're meant to recover and adjust to your diagnosis without some love and supoort.

Im so sorry you're in this situation. I hope something changes soon for you.

Kids will tell you to go away when they feel secure a know that you actually won’t abandon them. You son knows he is loved and safe, which is why he feels he can say that 💐

Not on meds for the adhd but I am for PPD

Ya with farming I really did not understand. I was in many ways lied to. But we live under the control of his parents and thr farm always comes first

No. Caring for the children all day is just as much work as a paying job. Does the parent at home get time to decompress and eat a meal in peace before parenting in the evening?

I had read that and I absolutely want him to feel secure with me. I do remember being 4ish and I wouldn't open my mouth in case I was moved on again

But it is still hard to hear and I think i am taking it deeper than I should

Slightly rewording your question. ‘AIBU to feel let down even husband has let me down?’

Absolutely not unreasonable to feel let down.

transitions and especially getting in the car with my ND child were the absolute worst. Sometimes it took over an hour just to get her into the car seat she fought so hard and I physically couldn’t force her in without risking hurting her because she resisted that intensely. I am also ND and it was just awful.

I had a supportive husband, but sometimes he still would follow up because work got busy. Honestly, in some ways it was easier when he was traveling because I knew I was on my own and he couldn’t help. Knowing he was failing to show up was worse than truly being unavailable.

I don’t have a good solution for you. I just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone. What you are dealing with is hard. It’s ok to feel overwhelmed.

I promise it will get better though. This is a phase that your child will outgrow.

You are being let down by your husband.

I suspect you have a high tolerance for awful behaviour given what you grew up with and your DH is behaving poorly here.

I think one more conversation with him and then start to make yourself less available for sorting things out for him.

Remind him to collect your son, tell the nursery he will be doing it and tell him that you will be switching off your phone and making it his problem until he starts to get it.

I think every single farming thread on here is exactly the same. The in laws control the roost, and the poor wife is saddled with the kids while he is out dusk to dawn to attend to something or the other. Every single thread is the same. Poor your op. It’s clear he thinks the kids are your job. Unacceptable but it seems like it comes from this type of lifestyle