To have confronted DP over passwords to adult sites

[NaiceTraybake]

I have noticed a change in DP recently, he’s more snappy and a bit odd with his phone. He used to leave it lying around but it’s always on him now. I haven’t tried to find a way to look at it or anything, but had cause to go on it last night with his agreement as we were booking a holiday and he had a list of details saved on his phone notes.

He was using the laptop and his phone was on charge so he asked me to check his notes for a specific detail. When I was scrolling to find it, I noticed another one called Passwords and the first line was clearly an adult site. I clicked on it and there was about 10 others underneath, and all quite ‘niche’ - domination, trans etc.

I waited until we finished booking the holiday and then mentioned I had seen this note. He knows I don’t approve of him watching porn and I felt we’d set clear boundaries in the past.

He got really irate , said I shouldn’t snoop on his phone and that it’s up to him what he spends money on. I didn’t suggest these sites were costing money, I assumed they were free (clearly not).

He said he knew my boundaries but never said he ‘agreed’ to them.

He was still in a mood with me before leaving for work this morning.

I had permission to go on his notes, but should I have turned a blind eye to what I saw?

Well now you know.

Up to you if you can live with it.

This happened to me. Do you have kids? I was able to leave immediately because we didn’t have any but I appreciate children make leaving harder. We had been together for 7 years. Heartbreaking but I was so repulsed by him I couldn’t bear it.

We do have one yeah 😞

I waited until we finished booking the holiday

that was silly

I think his extreme reaction is probably from him feeling very embarrassed.

what do you want the next step to be?

Do you have shares finances? Even if he didn't agree with your moral stance on porn, I'd be furious if any family money had been spent while he was disregarding your boundaries

I imagine it was shock and discomfort, I can totally see myself wrestling internally with this beforetalking about it

So what is your boundary? Is watching porn a deal-breaker for you? If so then you have to split otherwise your boundary isn't really worth anything.

Is it family money he's spending or his own personal fun money?

I tend to agree that you shouldn't have snooped on his phone and that it's his business what he spends his own money on (depending on your financial arrangements and circumstances of course).

I wouldn't end a marriage and break up a family over this but clearly you feel very strongly about porn. It's up to you whether this is something you can get over or not.

Trans?

Porn of trans people...usually trans women who have not had their penis removed.

So gay porn really? That kind of makes the situation worse unless OP is aware of his sexual preferences?

We transfer our share of the bills each month and then have money left over for ourselves, he was spending from his own account.

I wasn’t aware of that preference no, which is another issue entirely.

Do you love him? Prior to this discovery…. Loving, supportive, healthy relationship?

I would probably leave. You have a child which makes it harder but this is probably the tip of the iceberg. 10 porn sites?? Surly pornhub is enough, to me that would suggest he’s got a serious porn habit. I am very sorry OP.

Yeah mostly I would say so

Ok so…. You need to sit down with him tonight after dc in bed. And tell him straight what you’ve discovered.

Please be aware OP that most men watch porn these days. It's so bloody easy for them and men are going to drool over tits and arse if they get the chance, even if women are in denial about it. But it doesn't mean you have to accept that part of him and the trans porn may bring his sexuality into question.

A boundary isn’t you telling another person what they can and can’t do. It’s what you will if something happens that you don’t like.

He is watching porn, you don’t want him to. So what will you do?

I personally have no problem with it but I completely get why lots of people don’t like it.

I must be getting old, but there seems to be an awful lot of men turning gay when they are married/living with a woman these days. Or at least, an awful lot of it on this website.

If he’s watching that much porn he will have desensitised himself to regular men and women shagging. The trans, domination etc will be an escalation, pushing boundaries. It doesn’t mean he’s gay or even wants to get involved in any of that stuff, it’s just that he needs more risqué content to get off. Thats not to say you shouldn’t be concerned about an apparent addiction or compulsion but don’t jump to him being gay because some of the people in the videos he’s watching have dicks. I imagine at least 50% of them do, it’s just that some also have boobs!

What has your sex life been like with him recently?

TBH I suspect these days most men use porn to some degree. It’s everywhere online and I don’t believe any of them are saintly enough to always look away. That said, there’s a difference between sneaking a look now and then and paying for it. And the more extreme, niche stuff would be a worry. You said the subject has come up before and you discussed boundaries. What was the agreement? Did he promise never to use porn? Or to never spend money on it? If so he’s broken that promise. If he just agreed to be discreet about it then that would be a different matter.
And everything really hinges on how you feel about him having a long term porn habit. Some women are ok with it as long as he’s not rubbing it in their face. If you are not one of them you have a big decision to make.

Fine, just how it normally is - he hasn’t complained about the frequency.