To have confronted DP over passwords to adult sites

[NaiceTraybake]

I have noticed a change in DP recently, he’s more snappy and a bit odd with his phone. He used to leave it lying around but it’s always on him now. I haven’t tried to find a way to look at it or anything, but had cause to go on it last night with his agreement as we were booking a holiday and he had a list of details saved on his phone notes.

He was using the laptop and his phone was on charge so he asked me to check his notes for a specific detail. When I was scrolling to find it, I noticed another one called Passwords and the first line was clearly an adult site. I clicked on it and there was about 10 others underneath, and all quite ‘niche’ - domination, trans etc.

I waited until we finished booking the holiday and then mentioned I had seen this note. He knows I don’t approve of him watching porn and I felt we’d set clear boundaries in the past.

He got really irate , said I shouldn’t snoop on his phone and that it’s up to him what he spends money on. I didn’t suggest these sites were costing money, I assumed they were free (clearly not).

He said he knew my boundaries but never said he ‘agreed’ to them.

He was still in a mood with me before leaving for work this morning.

I had permission to go on his notes, but should I have turned a blind eye to what I saw?

Ok so are you going to sit tonight and talk to him?

I have told him I want to discuss things, he won’t be back from work until 6.

Wait until your child is asleep

Yeah I will do

You can’t unknow what you have now discovered. It would be the end for me, but you may have different boundaries. There’s no right or wrong, just what you believe is healthy/normal.

That was helpful.

I agree with the others. Your boundary is that you won't accept him watching porn - now you need to work out what the consequences of that boundary breaking is to the relationship. If you decide to fight for your marriage it means your boundary was actually not a boundary it was just a wish.

In your shoes I "might" fight for it with normal porn but it isn't is it? It's domination, trans (ie gay) which is different. I wouldn't be able to have him touch me ever again knowing men turn him on, and that's a relationship death knell.

Sorry OP

If my OH was looking at (paying for) gay porn, which trans porn is, then that would be the end for me. It would make me question who he actually was. It is a massive Ick. Well, just the whole thing is Ick inducing, but the trans stuff is another level. He wants a chick with a dick.

We have talked and he is still unapologetic. He says he enjoys that type of porn (and that they look like ‘women’) but that doesn’t make him gay.

They look like women because they wear wigs, lipstick and usually surgically enhanced breasts. That is what your dp thinks is "womanly". And yet the majority keep their dicks so any sex is man on man with boobs. I find that insulting to women in general that we as a sex class are defined by boobs and lipstick.

What do you want to do now?

It makes him bisexual. A bisexual who seems to be in denial about their attraction to men, hence him looking at men who try to present themselves in feminine ways and then him being quick to point out it doesn’t make him gay.

I would worry it’s a small step between watching it and then trying on your clothes. And to choose caricatures of women as his interest. So disrespectful.
I mean, yes, it’s his choice. But it’s one I couldn’t tolerate. I’d dry up.

This is an AGP pipeline, based on stories I’ve read of women who’ve had husbands declare they’re trans after decades of marriage. Watching this type of porn seems to be a significant factor. Sorry op, but you need to do some hard thinking here.

Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s realistic to expect Men not to watch porn. I told a couple of partners in the past that I didn’t want them to, they both agreed & I later found out that they were both watching porn. I assume my current partner does, but I don’t even question it because they’ll likely do it anyway.

I think the issue is that he is paying for it. I mean I’ve no idea if it’s out there for free anymore? I could still get past that if it’s a tenner a month or something . The bit that would weird me out is that he’s watching Trans porn. That would be a step too far for me. I know people have preferences, but that would be a no no for me (unless you’re both into that scene and then ignore me).

And you say that up until this point this has been a loving and healthy relationship?!

Say you don’t think you can have sex with him whilst you knows he’s pleasuring himself looking at men

He knows I don’t approve of him watching porn and I felt we’d set clear boundaries in the past.

What was the boundary you think you've set OP?

Both you and your husband are in denial. I can understand totally why you would be. All the best to you.

I doubt that on the basis of your updates

I'm no expert, but aren't paid sites usually interactive ones? I don't like porn at all and would be upset if my DH used it but interactive stuff would be much worse for me. I think that crosses the line into cheating.