AIBU to think about leaving career for an 'easier' job and more time with the kids?

[Swingingtree]

Not sure if this is the right place to open about this but basically, I have been progressing in my career and work full time from home with a company. The job is quite flexible in terms of picking up kids from nursery in case of illness, getting stuff done around the house, logging off on time etc. However, my employer won't allow me to go part-time and my mum guilt is eating me up. DC2 will start nursery full time very soon and I can't bear the thought of it. I've really enjoyed my 2nd mat leave and struggling to accept that I will be paying someone to look after my baby full time. I have been looking at admin council jobs, particularly term time ones, and I am thinking AIBU to want to apply for one of these roles? Or should I wait out the nursery years and just continue working for this company? My current work allows for stress-free mornings, stress-free pick ups, weekends without chores as they all get done during the week but I don't have any time with my babies. I will only see them in the morning and evening and during the weekend. It feels so unnatural. DH thinks I shouldn't feel guilty and that my work will come in handy when DCs are in schools for drop offs and pick ups etc.

I suppose my main concern is missing out on my career progression when the kids are older. Financially, we would afford the pay cut thanks to DH's salary + my salary is not much more than nursery fees. It's such a tricky one but it's all I have been thinking about lately. Would love to hear your stories and/or opinions. TIA xx

Sending my LO to nursery was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I went part time shortly after. It’s had little career impact and I don’t regret it.

@Arriett did you stay in your job and go PT or did you change job? I can't go PT in my current job.

I quit and was a SAHM for the first 3 years then went back to FT work. I just wasn’t comfortable with nursery before then. Obviously very lucky that we could afford to do it but absolutely no regrets.

What does DH do, could he go part time instead for a few years?

I think it depends on what you want long-term. Would you be happy to work PT for council even after the kids are in school? Would you want to go back to a FT role similar to current job? Later on, Would you be happy working FT but office based so chores are weekend and evenings? If you eventually went back FT, what would you do for childcare?

My wage was also not much more than nursery fees and when my second was born I quit and am now a SAHM and much happier.

I think you're very mixed up! Why do you want an 'easy' job? It sounds like you've already got a pretty easy life with working from home and great flexibility. Will you realistically find anothet job with that level of flexibility?Surely you need to change your hours not the type of job. Appreciate your current company won't let you go part-time but find one that will so you're not taking a step back.

Also, you're assuming you'd be appointed to an 'easy' job. Not necessarily. You'll be regarded as overqualified and a flight risk by many.

As someone else said, as a family, are you also looking at your husband's options for going PT? Why is it you that has to jeopardise your progression, your pension, your independence, your contribution, your impact and your intellectual challenge?

Finally, do you really want to be less intellectually challenged? Yes you're a mum now but you're still you. Don't give up being you. You can be you and a mum. Lots of us have done it.

I gave up my first career because it didn't work well around family life. My job now is school hours, term time only. Same basic pay, but a terrible pension scheme and limited opportunities for progression. There are times when I miss my previous job as I'd developed a very specific skill set that I don't get to use much anymore, and I was really good at it, but the pressure wasn't good for me anyway tbh, even before kids. And my life overall feels much better. I like the time with my kids, love the school holidays. And my sense of self is clearer now than it was all the while I tried to be "both". Not that worried about the longer term tbh. Maybe I should be, but I have enough to worry about in the present!!

If both your children are at nursery, could you employ someone to take care of them at home instead? Then you could spend the lunchhour with them and get back the journey to nursery.
If your job is as flexibile as you say and you like it (you don't say whether you do) you may regret giving it up later.
I have never gone part-time and have absolutely zero regrets about it.

I think you would be a fool to give up a job you seem to like that is so flexible. You see it time and time again on here, women who give up FT career jobs that they then struggle to get back into.

Whilst mum guilt is understandable, I think your current setup sounds pretty good. I'd also say in 5/10 years time you might want to get back on the career ladder but find its not as easy and that any job has the potential to be stressful or the industry unpredictable.

In dice terms your current job sounds like a 4, maybe even a 5. Do you want to roll again?

@HoskinsChoice I am very mixed up indeed… I want another job because I feel I will barely get to see DCs during the week and they are so little. It is not an option for DH to go PT. His salary is more than double mine and therefore more valuable for our savings, mortgage, holidays etc.

It would be ideal to find a role similar to mine but with less hours. I have been looking for a month and there’s not been anything sadly.

A nanny wouldn’t be possible as we are receiving nursery funding for DC1 so we would need to pay more for non-council registered childcare

I think you’re battling with something men almost never consider and this is partially why women earn less on average too. It’s your decision but I’d personally keep the better job. It sounds ideal with your children anyway, flexible enough to drop if they’re sick which is great (most don’t offer this).

It’s hard in the short term, but your personal earning ability, salary and pension are important. In many scenarios.

‘Easier’, lower paid jobs often aren’t. I found part time harder.

Even if your H is the much higher earner and unwilling to go part time (mine was) he could share time off for DCs’ sick leave, do some weekday parenting, split annual leave, ask for a nine day fortnight.

I didn’t have a flexible job when my DD was in childcare so had to step away from a job I really enjoyed ( which had a long commute) and take a job that did not utilise my skills but was closer to home. I have to say over the course of years I stuck with it for the flexibility but the impact on my self esteem was noticeable. It was boring as hell too. There was no investment in development in that role and nowhere to develop to so my
ambition stalled. I did apply for a couple of more interesting roles but I lacked the necessary experience at that point to support my application even though they were jobs I could have done. I left that career really having not fulfilled my potential. Perhaps it’s worth it I don’t know ( i will be screwed if I get divorced because my pension is half DH’s )

I’d absolutely stay where you are for the long term flexibility it offers, there are not many roles that give you the freedom for drop off/pick up, and to get household chores done, which free up your evenings and weekends. You’d potentially gain some time with your children during the week, but lose it at weekends catching up on household stuff! Sit tight, a couple of years will pass in the blink of an eye

YANBU - these are years you’ll never get back , and time and memories with your kids is worth more than any job.

That’s a simplistic, short term view and that kind of thing isn’t said to men.

I quit my job when dd was 3 for much same reasons as you. I did roughly same job but on self employed basis which gave me huge flexibility. I worked ft but did prob half of my hours after she had gone to bed. I’m a night owl so I could handle it but it was tough and not good health-wise long term.

Even if going self employed isn’t an option , could your flexibility allow you to work when kids are asleep or one day at a weekend?

It’s a tough choice. Neither is right or wrong but it’s prob worth trying your best to see if you can find a way to balance without giving up your job. It’s much easier when they go to school!

I left nursing to work in a library, it was night and day stress wise far better for family life, was still FT. Took a huge pay cut but was best thing I ever did. The council then paid for me to take some para professional library exams. I ended up running a small specialist library at a leading University. Was a great job. Had to relocate and ended up as a University housing officer who specialised in assisting students with additional needs at another RG University. Medical background was helpful but had never worked in housing. I have never earned mega bucks but have zero gaps in employment history, quite good pensions and loved helping people

I'm currently doing similar but I'm going part time on my "main job" & will be working a far easier (but not that much lower paid which is an insult to injury) job for half of the week. Totally worth it.

What do you do for work? You assume you will get one of these easy jobs but the job market is brutal at the moment. If you are overqualified then you’re unlikely to be successful. Unlikely that you would have the same flexibility or be able to work from home either. Totally understand why you’d want more time with your kids but it’s not a great time at the moment to be giving up a stable, well paid, flexible job.

Personally as a mum of older children, I wouldn't give up a job you're competent at and can cruise in for a few years.

What i would say is explore your legal options - requests for flexible working, use your annual leave, don't forget you have a legal entitlement to 18 weeks unpaid leave per child so if the little years are important to you, use them. DH has the same rights.

There's a lot to be said for keeping a job you're coping with and comfortable and established in. It can be a frying pan into the fire situation.

And just to add, social media gives far too much to the magical memories, cherish every moment, only 18 summers stuff.

Most of us were raised by parents trying their best and thats all anyone can do. You don't have to be there 24/7, life is a permanent balancing act with kids.

@Sartre completely agree. Wouldn't give this a second thought if I were a guy, I think?!

@Dozer yes, DH can also help out when DCs are sick etc.

@CharSiu that sounds like an amazing opportunity! Would love to work in a uni admin role supporting academia. Would be ideal!

@poppetandmog I feel a bit exposed specifying my field. The job market feels extremely dry atm, I agree.

@BarbiesDreamHome thanks for your encouragement. My thinking atm is for me to start with DC2 settling in nursery a few weeks before and then we take it from there...