How would you react if you found out your ExH is a peado?

[Sparklesbigtoe]

What would your reaction be if you found out your ex-husband, who you were married to for 20 years (and separated 8 years ago) had been arrested for sexually abusing his new partner’s teenage daughter, and when you met him you had 3 daughters who were 13, 12 and 9? If you couldn’t, in a million years imagining him doing anything like that (you separated because you drifted apart) what would you do? Just think “oh dear, how awful for them all” (you’re not in contact with him and haven’t been since you separated) or, despite believing in his innocence, would you still be straight on the phone to your now grown-up daughters (all of whom you have a pretty good relationship with) to ask if their stepdad ever sexually abused them? Just to make 100% sure..?

I’d definitely ask them. Not over the phone! In person if possible.
What a shock! Do you have someone you can talk to about your feelings? In these situations, therapy can be helpful in processing emotions.

I’m one of the daughters. My mum never even mentioned it to me (she knew I knew about it). I was the one who brought it up with her and she just said “he could never do anything like that”. Never once seemed in the slightest bit concerned he potentially could have abused my sisters and I. It baffles me, it really does, cos I know if it was my daughter I’d be absolutely terrified and would ask her immediately. He didn’t abuse us sexually but his behaviour wasn’t always appropriate and if I’m honest I can absolutely see him doing something like this with a more vulnerable teenager (which this girl was apparently)

What PP said. It's definitely not a throw-away question. Needs to be approached sensitively and with a very open mind, no presumption of innocence on his part and no "I couldn't bear it if ...". I'm very sorry this has happened. Probably best to seek advice from - I dunno, Childline might be able to counsel or signpost.

My friend's daughters didn't tell her for years after. They knew her ex had abused her and were, in their minds, trying to protect her. Now they're really angry at her because they felt they couldn't tell her. It's complicated. Get advice

ETA: Cross-posted. Leaving my reply here anyway.

Wow. I’m sorry that must be quite shocking. If I was the mother my first immediate concern would be for my daughters and I’d want to get to the bottom of what he did with them (if anything) immediately. I’d take their concerns far more seriously than those of the X!

@Sparklesbigtoe I am so sorry. I would be horrified and yes I would definitely have spoken to each of my daughters straight away, even if I was struggling to "believe it" iyswim. Part of me would always fear the worst I think, abusers can be very deceptive.

another agreeing I’d have spoken to my daughters and also their friends if they’d spent time with us on holiday and in our home etc

I would be taking all steps possible to ensure I could not be linked or associated with this person in any way. Unfortunately many of those who are (rightly) angry at paedophiles also seem to think that their families are fair game as they ‘must have known’.

Which sister were you? The 13, 12 or 9 year old? Have you spoken to your sisters about this? If he was inappropriate with you, the chances are that he was the same with your sisters or possibly worse. I would speak to them if I were you.

@Sparklesbigtoe your mum is definitely burying her head in the sand on this. She’s probably convinced herself that you or sisters would have told her by now if anything had happened, and therefore can’t be one! Little does she know how their sick minds work.

It’s highly likely he was grooming you all and there was just one very unfortunate girl where he took it further. Check in with your sisters, and cousins if they too had a close relationship with your family.

I’m the middle one, I’m very close to both my sisters and I’ve spoken to both of them about it. Neither of them say they were abused by him but we all agree he had a dark side, it’s hard to explain, he wasn’t creepy as such but it felt like there was huge parts about him that you had no idea about. With me and my older sister, he always tried to be our friend rather than a father figure (which was understandable as we already had a dad) but he tried a bit too hard to be the ‘cool’ stepdad sometimes, letting us drink booze, making inappropriate sexual jokes (which had the total opposite effect and just made me cringe), taking us to his friends’ parties, getting into all the same music we liked etc. It worked with my older sister and she idolised him (she insists she was never abused though). It didn’t work with me though. I never ever felt comfortable with him, even after years, and hated when my mum left me alone in the house with him. I could never really put my finger on why but maybe he just had peado energy and I didn’t understand it at the time

And yes you’re defo right about my mum burying her head in the sand. I think she feels a lot of guilt about that period of time and she just doesn’t want to deal with it. It pisses me off a bit that she didn’t reach out at all just to make sure he didn’t do anything but maybe she couldn’t have handled it if I’d said yes and she’d just rather not have known, since it’s in the past and there would be nothing she could do about it now. When I really think about it though, if he had done something and I’d told her at the time I don’t think she’s the kind of mother who would automatically have believed me. I think she’d have really taken some convincing

Sometimes I think it’s not a coincidence that he chose to be with someone (my mum) with 3 young daughters then straight after chose to be with another woman who also had young daughters. But maybe it is 🤷‍♀️

I doubt it too. I’m so glad you weren’t abused, though.

Oof. Hard one. I think my instinct would be to find out if it ever happened to my kids. How though - I don’t know. I’m sure you could reach out to NSPCC or something like that for guidance.

This was also my first thought.

While I’m sure your mother is still in shock (and potentially denial), I also think she should have come to you straightaway. I can’t see how she wouldn’t want to be 100% sure you hadn’t suffered at this abuser’s hands. Okay, she’s dealing with her own emotions, but she hasn’t recognised that it must be a terrible shock for you and your sisters to realise who you’d been sharing a home with.

It’s not comparable, but I had a private tutor as a child who taught a lot of kids in the area. He was never inappropriate with me, but when it came out years later that he’d abused more than one pupil, of course my parents asked me if he’d ever behaved like that towards me. I don’t see how a parent couldn’t ask that question.

It's not a coincidence

I would be absolutely distraught and on the ceiling, calling my kids and asking if there was anything they wanted to tell me about. I am quite emotional though and tend to overreact

What a horrible thing for you to have to deal with, OP. I was abused by my own father in every other way but sexually - he was a violent alcoholic - but with many years separating that time and now I can look back and see things about him that made me really uncomfortable. I've had this conversation with my brother and he agrees.

You've encountered one of the most pervasive social current taboos of our times. And it's this: society is far more comfortable with the notion that victims lie, are unreliable, or have 'false memory', than that far too many men abuse. Just look at #MeToo and the actual, real prevalence of SA. For every one of those victims, there is an abuser. It's absolutely inevitable that some of these men will be people we know, yet we wouldn't have a clue (and would likely hate to have to believe it even if we did).

To hear this denial coming from the mouth of your own mother must be particularly difficult to take. From her perspective I can see how it could be difficult to ask her daughters such a sensitive question for fear of hurting or triggering them. But to be asked directly and simply go into denial mode is something I'd find hard to get past.

If she believes her ex would 'never do such a thing' then she believes his victims are lying. And this enables her to avoid uncomfortable questions about the nature of her own relationships or her responsibility to protect her children.

I'm sorry.

@cadburyegg I don’t think that’s an overreaction on your part, other than perhaps modifying your approach to your children, in this hypothetical situation.

I do think in the OP’s case, her mother has under-reacted. Of course she should have checked in with her daughters. Sorry Op, glad you were not hurt, but that sounds too close for comfort.

Your mum chose to do it though she was the one with the kids it was up to her to protect you all

No idea how I would react but checking any children I have would be number 1

That wouldn't help your children at all

that’s not actually always true, abusers can often target one family member and keep it secret

I went through this with my ex, it was the reason our marriage ended and it was utterly traumatic. Our child was very young at the time and the idea that he could possibly have been abusive towards him was extremely distressing. I left him immediately and spoke to social services, the police and the hv about it because our child was too little to speak for himself and thankfully he showed no signs of having been harmed.

I know initially I found it extremely difficult to actually grasp the information because when I say there were no signs - there really genuinely were no signs. I worked in child safeguarding and I'm by no means naieve. He'd been a good husband to me overall and a very involved dad and was really involved in the community and had lovely friends and family. A good 'wholesome' guy. I never saw the other side to him and I feel lucky that I was present when the police came because they had to explain what was happening to me about 10 times before I realised that it was real and not just an awful rumour because it just was so out of the blue and didn't fit with the person I knew him to be. I don't know what would have happened if I'd been getting the information second hand from him or someone else. One of the police actually started to really down play it all when I asked for clarity and I'm really grateful the female officer laid it really bare for me because that was exactly what I needed to cut through the shock. The fact they'd downplay it while knowing I had a child I needed to safeguard still makes me so angry.

So I think it's scary how deceptive people who commit these crimes are and how good a front they can put up. It's completely destroyed relationships for me going forward because I don't see how I'd trust anyone again having been lied to so convincingly.

I think parental guilt can be absolutely massive. Yes your mum should have been in touch when she found out, ideally in person, to create an open space for you to share anything that might have happened. But I would just say that even though I had no idea and I did nothing wrong, the sheer shame of having ever been connected to such a man took me a very long time to let go of. It's utterly humiliating and it really worried me what others would think of me. I agree it's no coincidence that he's attached himself to a single mother with 3 young dds. You need to remember that your dm has essentially been groomed as well. Perpetrators of these types of crimes actually start by grooming the adults around them in order to build trust and access to children. I'm guessing she just doesn't have the personal resilience to deal with the reality of it and how vulnerable you all were to him because of their relationship. That being said, it's totally valid to still feel hurt and let down by her inaction and that you feel she might have prioritised him. I'm glad you and your sisters are able to support each other even if your mum can't show up for you in the way you need right now for whatever the reason.

It’s no coincidence and he was grooming you all including your mother. Fucking awful.

Thank you for all these responses. Has really made me think about it cos I thought I was being unreasonable feeling angry at my mum. I guess there’s no point in bringing it up with her? Even though it’s fairly recent that we found this out, less than a year ago. She clearly doesn’t want to talk about it and bringing it up won’t solve anything