Son and I were talking daily, now I’ve helped him financially he’s dropped off the planet.

[hoardingwealth]

I’ve just helped my son to buy his first house. I provided the whole deposit. We had to talk daily about this for a while because it was a special Family Springboard mortgage and there were lots of things to tie up. Anyway, it all went through and he’s now moved in. Since then, he doesn’t reply to calls or messages for days on end. In fairness he was a bit like this before, but I just feel so sad that now the financial transaction is over he has gone back to being low contact, when he wasn’t low contact in the middle of the legalities of getting his mortgage.

That’s a shame, you must feel a bit used/disapponted.
Not sure really, if he was always like this maybe it could have been a bit expected?
not heard of that type of mortgage!
How long ago did he move in?

Well he must be busy moving in or planning his move. Im sure he appreciates the money.

Feel for you OP. How old is he? I remember feeling like I wanted space from parents when I'd just moved out. It's an exciting time for him and he's getting on with being an adult and a 'new' life. Now I'm in my thirties, I call my parents everyday 😅

Thanks guys. He’s 29 and moved in 4 weeks ago.

In fairness he was a bit like this before,

You've now got the 'normal' him back.

Not meant in any nasty way at all but he wanted to get his mortgage sorted and that involved talking to you daily, that's now be delt with so he's just doing as he did before, he probably doesn't think its a case of now he's got your money he no longer needs to communicate with you.

He's reverted back to getting on with his life and now he's a house owner cracking on there.

My DC never reply to a message straight away but that's fine, it's not really important that's why we message, a phone call on the other hand is pretty much used when its important and an answer/discussion is needed straight away.

My brothers like this, will speak to our mum when wants or needs something otherwise you won’t hear from him in months he does it to all family members just reads & ignores their messages.
I don’t know why she puts up with it in all honesty.

Isn't that the normal relationship for a 29 yo son and his mother?

My DS1 is 25 and recently moved away. He does contact me when he he has something to tell me about (or to ask) but I don't hear from him more than a few times a month, he's busy living his life, in a new and exciting phase. I don't think I contacted my parents much when I first moved out.

That's disappointing, looks likr he's got what he wanted from you and reverted back to the man he really is.
This might be normal (read common ) behaviour but it shouldn't be.

You gave him money, he got what he wanted, and now he's back to his norm of low contact. He was in frequent contact with you during the financing process because he had to be.

I'm sure you feel used. But did you really expect him to change and be in frequent contact because you gave him a large sum of money?

Ugh. He sounds delightful. Sadly he has reverted to type, and really it’s probably your error that you thought he wouldn’t. I do think you should maybe raise it with him, but be prepared for little to change.

But he's just reverted to situation normal which is surely to be expected? You were only in more contact to discuss legalities. I'd leave it be.

He speaks to you when he needs to, and this has always been the case as far as your OP tells us. It didn't change during the process of sorting out the mortgage, it was just that the need was more frequent.

In a way it may be a good thing - he feels secure in his relationship with you, and doesn't need to check in often to make sure of it.

Does he keep in touch in other ways - WhatsApp messages or similar? Personally I find that sort of thing easier than a phone call, as we never seem to be free at the same time.

I wouldn't call not replying instantly as 'low contact' - do you really feel like you need to be in daily contact still?

I think it’s rude the way he is and was acting. But you said it yourself, he’s gone back to normal.

Next time you speak to him, ask him why he he takes so long to respond.

I think when you do something kind like this for someone you love, you shouldn’t expect anything in return or for them to suddenly make you main priority in your life. He hasn’t suddenly dropped contact and blocked you - he has just returned to normalcy.

I know it’s harsh but he HAD to talk to you daily to sort out the house mortgage etc, now he’s moved in his priorities have changed onto his home and he no longer needs to chat every day.

Why don’t you offer to pop over soon?

What kind of messages do you send? My Mum messages most days but it's usually a nag or a link to a boring article she's read.

I ought to be but I'm not surprised that several people on this thread think that it's perfectly normal to be more or less ignored by your adult kids except when they need cash from you and for them to go back to ignoring you once they have it.

They talk on here about a low bar for men but it's no worse than the bar people have for their kids

I don't think it's normal to be "ignored", but I don't think it's normal to expect to speak every day or receive immediate responses to messages either.

Adults have responsibilities: jobs, perhaps childcare responsibilities, social commitments, hobbies....

I think it is reasonable to hope for someone to read and react to messages at some point during a 24-hour period. This is a major reason for preferring texts/WhatsApp etc for me. It would also be reasonable to want to speak on the phone or a video call every so often, maybe once a week or so, but if you do want this then communicate that you want it!

I can understand you feel bad but as others have said he's just turned into the man he was before. He spoke to you every day because he had too, for admin purposes.

What does he say when you invite him round for for a roast dinner? I bet he'd respond sharpish then!

That sounds like a fairly usual level of communication between a young man and his parents to be honest.

I loved my mum a great deal, but we'd only generally have a chat on the phone once a week or so if I wasn't going to be seeing her. If I was seeing her that week, that would replace the phone call. We might exchange a couple of texts in that time as well, but usually only to send each other links we might find interesting, or, "Do you fancy seeing this in the cinema next week", something like that.

Yes, sometimes we'd talk more often, for instance if Christmas was coming up, or arranging to go down and see my brother, or if family were coming to visit us, or when she was ill.

But aside from that, whats the need for daily communication? I'd really struggle for conversation with her when I did see her if I was sending messages back and forth all week.

I can't really imagine ever being in that close conversation with anyone aside from DP, and even next week when I'm going on holiday alone, I probably won't speak to her daily. Even DD when she goes to uni later this year I won't expect to hear from more than about once a week after the first week or so.

DP is the opposite. She can speak to her sister for an hour on the phone, and then do it again and find a whole new set of conversations to have. That's just not something I'm capable of frankly!

I've got a 29 year old DS whom we also helped with a house deposit - although not all of it. We only message when there's something to say/ask and he's the same. He has never been one for chit chat, so I don't find it a problem. Just glad he doesn't feel obliged to do a weekly phone call like I did with my parents - which became daily once my DM was on her own. It was a chore trying to find things to say.

In the nicest possible way, your DS is probably enjoying his independence and freedom without having anyone looking over his shoulder. As long as he doesn't ignore you for months on end then relax a bit. We sometimes invite DS over if we're having a roast dinner. He usually replies to those messages pretty quickly - unlike others! He comes if he's free, eats his dinner, stays an hour or so afterwards, then goes. He's got his own life to lead now.

@hoardingwealth did your offer of help "come with strings"?

Are you disappointed because he should have realised that your expectations of helping would require him to be more in contact with you?

If you thought that your assistance would impact how he communicates with you, going forward, I fear that you may have been somewhat naïve @hoardingwealth 😞

Do you fear that your cash deposit (I've looked up how these Family Springboard Mortgages work) may be at risk - OR is it simply that you hoped for a better relationship going forward, OP?

My brother is like this! Had loads of money off our mother to buy and do up houses. She’s cheeper than a mortgage. Then she was helping with childcare. Then she said she doesn’t want told lend anymore money and is getting too old to manage the childcare- she had an operation and needed help moving her bed and he couldn’t find the time. She will moan at me she’s been days and days not seeing anyone and missing her golden boy. It was obvious he was always using her to me but she was blind.

maybe he’s busy settling in and with time Will want to see you more. Maybe he sees you as a commodity and will come back when he needs something. Not much you can do now

He might not contact you as much as before, but to completely switch off is chilling.
Some people are takers. He sounds like one.