Is this empathy burnout?

[tortoisewoman]

I've found myself feeling a bit less generous with DP recently. We generally have a good marriage but they have completing a professional qualification, struggling financially (unreliable freelance work) and generally seem to find life quite difficult, leading to lots of venting and complaining in day to day life. I, on the other hand, am also freelance but a bit more financially stable (regular monthly income + more earning potential) and have more of a positive outlook on life. DP has improved massively since we first met in their general outlook but the last 6 months or so have been a real drag. I feel like every time there is a 'win', we get about 5 minutes of a peaceful, enjoyable household before there's yet another thing to complain about, be stressed or overwhelmed by. It's a lot and just makes life feel a bit joyless.

Recently (last week or so) I've found myself feeling more ungenerous with DP. For example, they really like it when I make them a cup of tea in the evening. Recently they've been asking every day, saying I make it so nicely and they love it so much. I make it, but inside I begrudge it a little. I have never had a daily cup of tea made for me, and if I dared ask while they were in the middle of something or had finished a long day of work (as I often have) I would be told no on no uncertain terms! It feels silly when I write it out, but I feel like it represents the kind of dynamic we're in - they rely on me for stuff and I want to help on one hand but feel a bit resentful on the other, which I don't like that all.

I just feel kind of cold and unempathetic to them more often than not. Has anyone else felt like this? How do I resolve it? 😬

Explain to DP what is bothering you and how you are feeling, and give them a chance to address it.

It's understandable that you feel the way you do, OP.

What would happen if you said to your DP "It's really so nice to relax together with some tea. You know, I love the way you make tea! It always tastes great. Can we take turns in making tea for each other?"

Can you talk to them about it. It sounds like maybe you can't. Do you walk on eggshells at all? If it's all a bit joyless, they are in a negative mood most of the time, you earn most of the money, and they don't do things for you but expect you to, what it is that you are getting from this relationship?

Time for a conversation.

He can’t necessarily help how he feels but he can absolutely help how he behaves.

Time for a reset.

The tea you can address either say no or agree to take it in turns. The cup half empty attitude sounds like his personality/reaction to difficulties. I doubt you can change it but you can decide whether to live with it or not.

You need to talk it out. Your relationship is partnership where both parties give and take. That they are constantly in a difficult work situation does not entitle them to more care forever. But you have to voice it.

There is always a straw that breaks a camel's back. And the tea is yours. You prop them up - emotionally, financially - and there's no acknowledgement of that from their side. Partnership isn't a weak word, it literally means that both sides do their fair share. I think a conversation is needed but you really need to prep yourself in advance to make sure that (a) you get out all the thoughts that you need to and (b) that you are clear on what you need to change for this relationship to continue. Sending love and wishing you the best.

How long have you been together?

There are some things that just aren’t worth talking out. The cup of tea thing for example - you could talk about it and agree to take turns, but that’s not the issue really, is it? It’s the fact that he doesn’t naturally want to look after you as well as he expects you to look after him.

Sounds silly, but ostensibly I broke up with someone once because every time we cooked and dished up a meal together, he always gave himself the ‘bigger’ half of something, or the nicest, crispiest bit etc. There was no inherent kindness, even though if he’d given it to me, I’d have said ‘no, you have it!’
I didn’t want to have to live forever with little bits of selfishness like that, so it wasn’t worth even talking about it - it was just him.

I agree with this. I ended a 4 year situationship after realising how selfish he was with little things. The final straw was one Sunday evening, after he’d been at mine from the Friday evening, I had cooked every meal, including 3 courses for each of the 3 nights dinners, done some baking etc, he got up and made a cup of tea for himself without asking me if I wanted one. I couldn’t get past that thoughtlessness.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I know that this needs a conversation rather than me just quietly seething about a cup of tea, but we have had a couple in the last few months and they always end with DP being like "I try really hard, I'm so stressed, I'm doing everything I can" and what can I say to that? Most of the time I think they are trying their best, but there are some moments where I think it's more habit than conscious bad behaviour if that makes sense.

As for eggshells, yes, there have been a fair few eggshell periods in the last 2 years. We had something of a reckoning about it in October last year and I told myself I wouldn't live like that anymore. Hence the slight emotional numbness I feel now!

Oh sweetheart, it's a merry-go-round isn't it? Conversations happen but nothing changes. This is my view, and it may not be a popular one, is that if people genuinely want to change then it shows in their actions.

DP has improved massively since we first met in their general outlook

Hmm... have they really though? Maybe they perked up for a bit in the honeymoon phase but have gone back to who they really are. Depends how long you've been together but they're not going to change if they're comfortable having you doing the running around role while they're somehow less capable.

If he’s doing everything he can then you should decide if it’s enough for you. It sounds like you’re doing all the heavy lifting which personally I think is okay if it’s a short-term crisis type situation. It isn’t sustainable in the longer-term. Decide what you can put up with e.g. 10 mins max of venting a day or whatever and tell him. Walk away if he can’t hold to your boundaries. And he can screw off and make his own tea.

Ask him to do something for you.
Him - ooh I'd love you to make me a tea.
You - I was going to have a bath. Can you go and run the hot whilst I put the kettle on?/My feet are killing me & I've just sat down. Give me a foot rub & then I'll do your tea.
If the answer is a whingy no, then your reply is ok you make your own tea & I'll go run my bath/soak my feet/I'm doing something for me.
And keep going to make him realise it's give & take.
Selfishness is deeply unattractive.

DP has improved massively since we first met in their general outlook

Eeek....has he? I'd hate to have seen the start point.
Dont marry him and certainly don't have kids if this is the status quo.
I would find this terribly draining.

This is what's so jarring with the gender neutral thing. Your brain tries to make it make sense because it's a slog to read. Happening more and more on here and I can never make it all the way through the posts.

Anyway, good luck OP.

Bloody hell… the tea thing between you two is…. Weird. Very very weird

The OP’s partner is a woman according to posting history

Hello, my husband can be like this.

In times of emotional stress, trauma, you need to think of things like a dartboard. The person you live with who is in it with you, can’t necessarily take all your stress, because they are living it every day. You need to lean outwards and put it on other people who are one step or 2 steps removed, like the outside of a dart board.

I say to my husband, I’ve no problem with him complaining of venting, but basically he can’t s**t on me every day unexpected not to bring me down. he needs to go and have a walk and ring someone and complain about it, not always put the negativity on me.
A couple of times a week in ‘venting’ conversation is fine, but someone can’t pile it on you every day and expect you to be happy about. Particularly if it’s something that you cannot control, and although not very nice, it’s very normal, such as work stresses. We are fortunate to live relatively happy healthy lives in a developed country not at war. So sometimes a sense of realism would also help.

I hope this helps. I’m more than happy to be open to listen to my husband every now and then, but we work from home and every time we have a cup of coffee, I don’t want to listen to him whinge. It is entirely overwhelmingtell them they’ll have to vent to someone else, because it’s not reasonable to expect you to take it all that time.

I've been on mumsnet so long but never understood the posting history thing 😳is that why people name change?

Is it? Unproductive, sure, but "very very weird"?

You need to lay it on the line with her, tell her your resentment is building and resentment ultimately kills relationships. You need to see changes or you're done because you can't be in a relationship where you feel taken for granted. If she tells you shes trying, you tell her you need to see it.

She sounds lazy and like shes got too comfortable with this dynamic. She needs a wake up call.

Why such an effort to not mention if your partner is male or female? I don’t think ‘empathy burnout’ is a thing, sounds like you just need to communicate better. If nothing changes then maybe the relationship is fizzling out

The eggshells thing. That is the info that leads me to think that your DP is actually training you to be their emotional support animal, without expecting anything back. You step out of line and demand a bit of return support and you get the eggshell atmosphere, so you don't do it again.

Dies that make sense? If so, using the noilling-a-frog analogy, how hot is the water already?

How many partners do you have?