Why does my mum do this? Feeling crushed

[Greensts]

I was pregnant age 31 and my partner of two years left me. It was the most horrendous time of my life and I felt so alone and scared. I went through the last four months of my pregnancy alone and gave birth alone. Had to claim cms for ex to pay and he didn’t see our daughter until she was 10 months old.

At the time my parents were pretty shit. They are wealthy and gave me a lot of financial support which they refer to all the time, but along the way I was told I had made a complete mess of my life, that ex had left me because I was so difficult and that I would never cope on my own with a baby. There’s lots more examples like that but that gives a flavour of it.

I tried my best to be civil with ex for our daughter’s sake. He now sees her regularly though can’t cope with overnights apparently. This means that sometimes, as DD only just 3, that there’s times when we’ve both attended her ballet class for example as she’s wanted us both to go. I know I’m not obligated to do this but I have managed to be civil.

My parents know we are absolutely not in a relationship.

My parents but particularly my mum have tried to invite ex to various things. They came to DD’s ballet show recently and invited him to Christmas (!!) and when I said I was meeting a friend after ballet and he was taking DD out for the afternoon, mum asked him there and then if he wanted to get lunch with them instead first. I was very upset by this and when I raised it with her she completely dismissed me and said she was doing it for DD and I was very dramatic and controlling.

I feel like I have no relationship with her anymore as everything feels like a betrayal with her. AIBU dramatic, is she right? It took me such a long time to even feel remotely like myself after what he put me through and I just can’t really understand why, having seen that first hand, she would want him in their life.

@Leavesandthings thank you. To be honest the entire thing makes my mind boggle as it’s so hard not to think I am the problem. I can be difficult and I don’t have perfect traits by any stretch of the imagination and I often wonder if when they’re saying I’m the issue (they both will have the same view no matter what) that perhaps they’re right.

When I tried to talk to my mum a while ago when she did something that had really upset me and I’d snapped at her, I was trying to explain why I had snapped and why I had felt let down and she just sat there staring at her phone looking at rightmove. I said can we talk as you’re just on your phone, to which she said ‘that’s right I am.’ And continued to ignore me. I don’t think she cares one jot about the state of our relationship.

@Whatacoincidence sorry you have experienced this too. What do you say when she lays the blame with you? I’ve got better in time as obviously it’s less raw now but at one time it honestly felt like a punch in the stomach. I remember feeling so horrendously shit that she thought I was to blame for him leaving me, despite me having begged him to stay and lost all my self respect and then even made me go to CMS. I was so hurt by her comments. I’ll never forget them.

She's awful, but as long as she's giving you money I think you'll have to put up with her, unfortunately. Some mums are nasty. Mine is! I don't even get any cash either.

I grey rock my parents, we're now like some 1950s tea party.
Occasionally I'll slip up and let some work or relationship hurt out and it's interesting that it gets thrown back at some point later.
Because there's been so much superficial tea party chatter, the hurt thrown back is of huge magnitude to my mum but often for me was just a passing forgot all about it. Very funny seeing my mum twist a bad cafe experience into a defining moment in my 40s.

I don't see the problem tbh. If you want an arms length relationship with your ex - keep it at arms length.

Assert your boundary with your mother by telling her you do not wish to socialise in any way with your ex, I.e. if he is at family occasions, you and your child will not. And stick to it. You cannot control other people's relationships but you can assert your own strong boundaries.

Personally I feel you are looking for validation from your parents in that you want them to be on your side. You really don't need that. You do what is right for you and your daughter but have you tried to put those feelings of betrayal away, because if you can, it will be easier for both you and your child in the long term moving forward.

I'm so sorry OP, but your mother is a horror.
It really is awful when you finally get it that she isn't on your side, doesn't want you to do well, and gets a kick when life deals you a tough hand.

It took me years to join the dots, but eventually I got there.
I fully withdrew and that was it.

Life was actually much better.
To her death she played the poor victim card as it didn't suit her public image that her happy sucessful daughter wouldn't have anything to do with her.

I now see a narcissistic personality disorder and basically a not very nice woman.

I never regretted my decision.

Put your mother on a complete information diet.
Share absolutely nothing of value.
Information is power, deprive her of it.

Start planning on pulling away from them, even if it takes time.

They will destroy your mental health so focus on increasing your independence.

Talk to your sister.
Stay tight with her.
Discuss and share the patterns you have noticed.
She doesn't want you too close, remember that.

Never ever trust her.

She is completely out of order and I’m sorry you have to deal with this.

You have asked her to not do this and she hasn’t stopped.
So I would simply stop inviting her to things eg DDs performances and not spend special occasions with her eg Xmas.
When she asks why, tell her because you can’t trust her to not invite your ex.

This is some weird control thing and you need to take the control back.

By all means visit her and let her visit but when it comes to things like Christmas tell her you’ll not be celebrating with her as you don’t want to spend it with your ex.
She will try and guilt trip you but do not budge.

I’d rather have a lonely Christmas than let her control me.
You need to nip it in the bud.

Based on what you have written, you are NOT the problem. Your mother is. The behaviour you describe is appalling. My daughter is separated from my grandson’s father and he occasionally makes requests of us. Every time I ask my daughter what she would like me to do and I do it. I would never dream of extending him an invite - that is for her to do if she wishes it.
You know what they say though, you can’t change someone else’s behaviour only your own. Mum needs an information diet, interactions only where necessary and never, ever, expect her to treat you with respect so you don’t get into those conversations where you try to explain your feelings for her to dismiss. Make no demands of her - her time, her money, anything. If you don’t want to see your ex, you don’t. If she has invited him for Xmas, or anything else you don’t want him at, my response would be have fun together, DD and I will be spending the day at home then. To be honest I might make the point of spending Xmas elsewhere regardless - maybe you and sister together? - to make a point that you want and need nothing from her. The flip side is you really should stop accepting money if you possibly can. I know it helps but it encourages her to see you in the role of supplicant not equal.

@ElderlyBabyDriver my parents do this all the time. I stop telling them anything relating to the emotions these days.

The way you've described her, she sounds really toxic. Have you looked up narcissistic personality disorder?

I would read up on that, it might help you understand how your mum's mind works. It alzo explains the hostility you received after your ex walked out on you. She was angry about her image (as in, having a perfect family with her daughter in a relationship etc) being damaged, and she blamed you instead of offering support. A very narcy reaction imo.

And this has obviously continued with the hurtful behaviour or inviting your ex along to things. There is zero loyalty to you, zero consideration for your feelings. It's almost like she's continuing to punish you, isn't it?

I recommend that you read the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. It will change your life.

@Brownbl thank you for your post. I did go very low contact a few years ago. I didn’t even know it was called low contact until years later but I just withdraw naturally and kept my distance even when spending time with her she knew nothing of my life. I was v v happy, it was a peaceful time. It’s been harder since Dd as Dd loves her and I was very vulnerable when pregnant so ended up spending more time with them than I otherwise would have.

YANBU

My mum did this with me. My ExH was extremely violent and controlling, cut me off from my mum for 3 years - when we split my mum would tell anyone and everyone how amazing I was for getting away from him. I cut my ExH off bar the 1 weekend a month he was given by the court.

My ExH decided he wanted full custody of our DD and just refused to return her after his weeked. My mum had a meeting with court officials and told them that I'd lied, made her lie and that my ExH was a fantastic father and I'd cut him off delibriately so I could parent alone.

I regained full custody bar EOWend, and haven't spoken to my mum since. She tells everyone that I've always been complex and I just need to accept whats best for my DD is not me - she's no longer best buddies with my ExH either!

That's a quite common dynamic in some friendships where there are three friends, one is the ring-leader and the other two take it in turns to be ostracised/excluded. It's even more fucked up for a mother to do this to her two daughters. She sounds very immature.

I agree. It’s how many of us ended up dating a*holes who go on to be diabolical parents.

OP try the stately homes thread. All of us in there have experience of these sorts of things. It’s nice to know you aren’t on your own. Most of us are LC or NC with a lot of family members. 💐

Thanks for the replies. I feel soooo sad tonight.

The last time I actually spoke to her about feeling like she did not have any loyalty to me and it felt like she didn’t care about having a relationship with me, she said ‘oh I’ve got things to do Greensts, I need to go now’ in this really dismissive voice. It makes me so sad.

If I thought dd had these thoughts about our relationship I would be desperate to sort it out.

"along the way I was told I had made a complete mess of my life, that ex had left me because I was so difficult and that I would never cope on my own with a baby"

She does this because she is a horrible person OP. Only someone truly nasty would say that to someone who was pregnant or had a relationship breakdown, let alone both. I don't think there is much more to it. She could have some sort of personality disorder, mental health issues, she could just be a nasty cow, but whatever the reason for her behaviour, she isn't a nice person

She really is a horrible person.
Her response confirms that.
BUT, you have a child now to put first, far ahead of her.
You need to stay well for your child and protect your mental health.
Being around your mother will not help you or your child.
She cannot give you kindness if she doesn't possess it.

Protect yourself, for your child.