Why does my mum do this? Feeling crushed

[Greensts]

I was pregnant age 31 and my partner of two years left me. It was the most horrendous time of my life and I felt so alone and scared. I went through the last four months of my pregnancy alone and gave birth alone. Had to claim cms for ex to pay and he didn’t see our daughter until she was 10 months old.

At the time my parents were pretty shit. They are wealthy and gave me a lot of financial support which they refer to all the time, but along the way I was told I had made a complete mess of my life, that ex had left me because I was so difficult and that I would never cope on my own with a baby. There’s lots more examples like that but that gives a flavour of it.

I tried my best to be civil with ex for our daughter’s sake. He now sees her regularly though can’t cope with overnights apparently. This means that sometimes, as DD only just 3, that there’s times when we’ve both attended her ballet class for example as she’s wanted us both to go. I know I’m not obligated to do this but I have managed to be civil.

My parents know we are absolutely not in a relationship.

My parents but particularly my mum have tried to invite ex to various things. They came to DD’s ballet show recently and invited him to Christmas (!!) and when I said I was meeting a friend after ballet and he was taking DD out for the afternoon, mum asked him there and then if he wanted to get lunch with them instead first. I was very upset by this and when I raised it with her she completely dismissed me and said she was doing it for DD and I was very dramatic and controlling.

I feel like I have no relationship with her anymore as everything feels like a betrayal with her. AIBU dramatic, is she right? It took me such a long time to even feel remotely like myself after what he put me through and I just can’t really understand why, having seen that first hand, she would want him in their life.

Yeah that is not on.

Being cordial is not the same as inviting a difficult ex to Christmas lunch.

I raised my dd from a year old alone. He walked away.
One day my dm saw him on a bus and invited him to her home there and then. Where she gave him pics of dd (then 7 yo). I felt hugely betrayed..
Tbh our relationship never recovered... I rang ex at work and told him to stay away. And that dd would contact him when she was older... If she wanted to.
I haven't seen dm since 2012 when that dd was 23.

@Sunisgettinganewhaton gosh that is awful! Why did she do it? This is what I can’t understand. I would never ever betray my Dd like that

The one thing I have learnt is that blended and split families fair so much better when people can get along and be civil and dare I say it ‘friends’. If your ex, parents and DD can go and grab lunch together without you there and get along, then in the long run it will be far better and healthier for you and your DD. It’s better to have one camp who can work together to raise your DD. You sound annoyed your parents are still amicable with the ex, would they really be like this if they truly thought that he wronged you??

OP - your mum is a nasty piece of work. Sympathies - mine is exactly the same.

it was a big shock around 10 years ago to realise she was never on my side and actually got a kick out of making me feel shit. I haven’t seen her for seven years now and my life has hugely improved.

Congratulations on your lovely daughter. Keep your distance from your mum and focus on making a lovely life for you and DD

@Moveoverdarlin what do you mean would they really be like this? Sorry just trying to understand your question

@greenleaf1 thank you. I hate to even say this on an anonymous forum but I do get the feeling she enjoys in some way the drama of me being upset or hurt or triggered in some way.

She is similar with my sister, it’s almost like a bit of entertainment for her.

That said, she can also be caring and kind but it’s not in any way consistent

Also OP - Relationships might by a better place than AIBU for a post like this. Most people have luckily never experienced a mother like ours and you’ll get some rough responses here.

Pressed the wrong voting button, YANBU. It may be time to reassert your boundaries explicitly. They may think they’re being helpful/trying to help your DD but that’s not their place, especially if you’ve made it clear that you find it uncomfortable and unwanted.

Once trust has been lost with a parent, it can be difficult to regain, especially if they see nothing wrong with what they have done even after discussing it. Repeatedly doing the unwanted behaviour with the knowledge of how it makes you feel is disrespectful.

Only you know if you depend on them for childcare, finances etc. and want/can go low or no contact.

It may be that at time passes, you feel more comfortable with your ex joining private family events e.g. Christmas, but they definitely shouldn’t be pushing if you don’t feel it now. Being civil at school/hobby situations is enough.

@YellowBedLeaf thank you. I would like to be comfortable with him being at more private events but my mum goes very over the top and I know would go out of her way to almost suck up to him. I don’t know why she’s like this but she does it with everyone. I am not sure I could cope with that and so on balance I feel for DD that it’s better he isn’t there as I know I need to be present and calm for her as her parent, I don’t think could be if she was doing that with him.

I don’t rely on them for anything but I can’t deny that the help financially makes life easier (though I would be ok without it).

Absolute weird “pick me” behaviour. The lack of loyalty some people have to their own kids astounds me. I would never. I am so sorry OP. She’s awful.

Preferential treatment of an ex who may or may not have been abusive or controlling, by a parent is a massive kick in the teeth.

Op I feel for you. My mum insisted on having my ex-husband and his little son around for Christmas dinner after we split. I went to work at the nursing home the first year it happened. Every time she had him round for Sunday dinner I was at work. Eventually I moved away.... problem solved. My dad still mentions him now and its been 30 years since I divorced!!!

Comiserations, OP. My mother does this too albeit I co parent with my useless ex a bit more as he has her for a whopping 8 hours a week and phones every day 🙄.

She invites him for Christmas - he accepts and is there when I arrive. She seems to be enjoy the triangulation as like with yours she constantly tells me the the relationship breakdown was my fault and I should have worked harder.

I think our parents are always our first abusers and condition us to accept terrible partners.

Just ignore her barbs, she sounds like a mean old witch, exactly like mine who is simultaneously cockahoop I am on my own and enjoying the 'poor xh you have to help him' routine.

I mean....let's speak practically for a minute ....
your parents are rich and you will inherit one day, grandchild perhaps too?
they want a relationship with GC's father? - unless they are going to do things behind your back....is any possibility that this actually turns out better in the long run than you imagine now is actually on God's cards?? - you get inheritance, your parents woo the man to be more attentive to his child and ole that

I feel for you OP. I too have narcissistic parents and it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done to a) see them for who they really are b) come to terms with it c) set boundaries.
It’s absolutely not you or anything you’ve done wrong - you’re amazing and deserved better from them.

She took steps to prevent us getting back together when we first split.. I genuinely think she wanted me to be a lone parent like she was. So I have no idea behind her giving him pics. Guilt maybe?

My parents kept in touch with my ex after I divorced him, after 20+ years. All good in my mind. He’d been part of the family.

It really sucks having narcissistic/emotionally immature parents. This situation is horrible and no wonder you are upset by it.

If you haven't already, you might find some comfort in reading around emotionally immature (self centred) parents. They really do a number on your self belief and it helps to see dynamics and patterns written down to show you're not alone.

One famous book is "Adult children of emotionally immature parents" by (forgot) Gibson.

By taking financial help from them, you are feeding the narrative that you're not able to stand on your own two feet and manage on your own. You need to stop this.

Your mother is obviously not the kind and supportive mother that you wish you had and that is sad. You don't mention your father and how supportive he is or not?

If I were you I would be low contact with a mother who makes you feel bad about yourself and blames you for the breakdown of your relationship when that's clearly not true. She is just adding to your stress which is the last thing you need after what you've been through. You cannot make her be the mother you want but you can decide for yourself what you're willing to put up with.

I don't think you are doing any favours to your little one by forcing yourself to spend time with your ex either. She can spend time with you or her dad but you don't have to do things together, if anything that just makes it confusing for her.

So you have just assumed that OP was in the wrong and that's why her baby's father left and why her parents are sucking up to him?

His behaviour sounds despicable and her parents are extremely disloyal to welcome him back with open arms.

I would tell her that if ex is coming to Christmas lunch then you and DD won't be there (assuming it's your day with DD). Up to her to decide where her loyalties lie.

@Sunisgettinganewhaton this is so weird. My mum repeatedly told me that it was ‘obvious why ex left you.’ When I challenged her on that and reminded her of the fact he left and how he’d tried to get out of paying anything for dd, she said ‘well you’re as bad as each other!’

Not once was she on my side, it wasn’t even a neutral stance, just the assumption (as it’s always been) that I’m the fuck up

yes im not sure what you mean @Moveoverdarlin . I suppose it’s possible they truly believe ex’s behaviour wasn’t too bad.

@Endofyear thanks. I don’t think dd really is affected (at the moment anyway) as she’s never known anything else than she is with me and sometimes sees daddy or sometimes we both see daddy.

I agree about the financial help but I want the best for DD and obviously money does help.

The other week I was talking to her about this book I was reading (she loves reading) and she was really dismissive. Same if I mention my work. Totally uninterested. I think the bottom line is I just can’t trust her emotionally. There’s also a theme me and sibling have noticed that if she falls out with one of us then she’s all over the other one. One of us has to always be in the dog house at all times.