AIBU to think that DH has mental health issues?

[Sam9769]

DH is 65 and has been retired for three years.
He never had a great memory but it has got worse lately. He won't remember details of conversations several days later and is generally forgetful. We had a horrible swarm of cluster flies in the garage several months ago which looked like something out of a horror film and although he remembers the event he doesn't recall seeing the flies.

He has started locking the front, back and side doors so if I'm working in the garden and go out one door and try to come in another the door, it's locked. He has many security cameras up around the garden. He has also started to turn switches off at the walls in case there is a fire which is doing my head in every time I attempt to turn on, for example, a bed side light.

He is also becoming quite tight with money. He doesn't like putting the heating on or the hot water. He was never been one for buying presents but recently it was our 35th wedding anniversary and I suggested he buy me a Tom Chambers arch for the garden for £80 out of his money. He suggested paying £50 and I could pay the rest. He has plenty of money. He reluctantly sent me a PayPal payment for £80 and I paid the £6 postage.

To balance the above, he worked as a mechanical engineer, can fix the car if it goes wrong, can do things around the house like DIY but only if pushed into it and if I organise getting materials for the job. He enjoys playing with some flight simulator head set he bought recently so it's not as if his mental abilities in this regard have deteriorated.

We moved house not that long ago, lots to do to update the house. We have trades people in to do some jobs, some we're doing ourselves but the house is in a chaotic state at the moment which is really not helping.

AIBU to think that he may have mental health issues for is this just who he is?

What did you get him for his present?

are your general tasks shared at home,
and do you make decisions together about what diy that needs done?

Do you suspect he may be showing early signs of dementia? I’m not convinced it is that, but you could maybe place it on your radar.
maybe it’s just grumpy old man syndrome.
My dad ‘went a bit funny’ after my Mum died and can be like this, he’s never been quite right since.
Maybe he needs a hobby, get him out from under your feet?

He is tight and worrying more that he used to with the switches and cameras in itself this is not a MH issue.

Quite a few people worry about money when they stop earning even if they have a lot as it cnat be replaced. A sort of that’s it moment.

The only memory issue is the flies thing, DH has always had things he doesn’t remember at all that I do. He has always been like this but said he just doesn’t see them worth the brain power to remember as so unimportant to him. Women seem to notice things more overall.

Have you considered this could be early stages of dementia? It’s not uncommon for that to initially reveal itself as paranoia, and certainly memory loss.

When you ask him to not lock doors or turn switches off what does he say? Does he acknowledge he’s doing it? That is odd, almost ocd like . Has he shown any of these tendencies before ? What is underlying it for him- ie he fearful ( break in, something catching fire ) or something else ? Or does he not really realise he’s doing it ?

It does seem these could be early symptoms of dementia. The increased worrying over security i.e. locking doors, turning off lights in case of fire, are definitely within the realms of dementia. That would be my first thought. It's not 'who he is' as you wouldn't be asking here.

He says that he is concerned about a burglary and also the house going on fire. By the way, we have two dogs so no-one would get near the front door without the dogs barking! I was asking him repeatedly to stop locking the doors but he still did it until I got really annoyed. Now he'll lock some doors depending where we are in the house or garden.

His mother who is 96 has dementia including paranoid ideation thinking the next door neighbour is trying to move the hedge in between their houses and break in! She is distrustful of everyone and a complete BITCH!

The first thing I would do is take control of stuff that he normally does. Get passwords and get accounts in his name, changed to yours so you know insurances and bills are definitely going to be paid.

I would then ask for him to have an assessment. You are describing my DDad when he was in the early stages of vascular dementia. He could strip down and reassemble anything that he had done before and knew all the words to his favourite songs but was doing very odd things day to day and denying it was him. He had paranoia too and would lock me out when I went out to feed the hens or put the washing out.

DH went like this when he had a urinary infection a couple of years ago though too. I kept samples of his handwriting and notes he left me from back then and we laugh about it now but at the time, it was terrifying as he was very demented with it.

Strange reply 😳

I should add that his parents were very tight and lived very frugally despite having plenty of money! No presents, no Christmas tree or decorations at Christmas (waste of money). No sweets, cakes, biscuits or other luxuries!
Porridge on water for breakfast, boiled chicken and vegetables for the main meals with some variation on the meat. His mother will occasionally splash out on a Lidl Madera cake for £1 and serve very thin slices as a treat!
She has loads of money in the bank. FIL earned it all, lived frugally with her and died leaving it all behind for her to hoard. Happy days!

It could be genetic!

I get that.

But if my DH possibly had dementia I’d actually be quite worried not going off on one about my MIL (no matter how awful she was)

But maybe it isn't dementia and he's replicating what he has experienced when growing up with the old bag!

I think he needs to see a doctor to be honest

of course none of us here are specialists and can only give anecdotal stories. I will say my nan started like this- odd behaviour, would peg curtains together so no one could see, keep a bucket of water the door in case someone broke in etc, started off quite quirky and she functioned normally in other manners, but she later was diagnosed vascular dementia

of course it could be nothing ( just annoying to you) but if the oddness has only just started, combined with forgetfulness of things like the flies I’d be on watch for dementia in some form

I don’t think OP is trying to go on about how awful she is. I think she’s describing someone whose behaviour is difficult, especially in the context of dementia, which she’s worried could be genetic. OP also has a habit of adding exclamation marks at the end of each sentence, which can make the tone come across as a bit intense or unusual.

Sounds like dementia.

Well shes not a bitch for thinking that, thats dementia for you. You don’t sound very kind?

I don't want to make this thread about the MIL. It is true that her recent behaviour is partially due to dementia but she has been a controlling bully all her life. Fell out with all her DH's family and the neighbours well before the dementia set in.

My father has always been like this, always. Manifestation of a severe anxiety disorder, I think. God help us if we left a switch down and went out!

You don't know though do you. I would be very concerned as it's a change of behaviour

Isn't it completely normal to have all your external doors locked though? Even if you're home. If you're in the garden you only need the one unlocked whilst you're out there, then lock when you come in.
As long as he's not locking all external doors whilst you're out in the garden and completely locking you out, he's being perfectly reasonable imo. I'd never leave an external door unlocked, you're just asking for a burglary and it would invalidate your insurance if you were burgled.

Definitely needs to see GP & possibly a memory clinic. Might be mental health issues but sadly at that age early stages of dementia is more likely.

Calling a 96-year old woman with dementia and paranoid ideation a 'bitch' is different level of fucked up, OP.

Leave off. The woman was an abusive mother and OP can see her DH is struggling with the mental health fall out of his childhood. My mum, long may she rest at the bottom of the ocean, was abusive too. Getting dementia when you are 90 doesn’t absolve you of all the bad you did to your children.