AIBU for not letting my mother see her newborn grandchild?

[KellyAnne47]

So my mother has always been awful with me. Treated me differently to my siblings. Told me Im worse mistake she's ever made. I remember her not even letting me hold her hand in the street as a child. Didn't wake while the afternoon and left me hungry, again as a small child. She tried to take my child off me years ago as I became a mother very young. Then kicked me out at 16, leaving me to fend for myself. There is so so much more. But I haven't the time or space for the rest. Anyway, I am due to give birth in a matter of days. She hadn't rang, text or seen me this whole pregnancy. Not asked how me or my unborn baby are doing. She lives ten min away. I just know when baby is born she will wanna sniff around but only until the novelty wears off. I feel very strongly that she isn't informed when baby is born and is not welcome to my house. So straight up, AIBU for this? I don't want to use baby as a weapon.. But she didn't care before. She doesn't care now. So why should I let her in the newborn bubble? She wouldn't be able to recognise my 3yr old given the chance.

YANBU. Don’t give it another thought.

No, absolutely not being unreasonable. Protect your children from your toxic birth family, and protect yourself. People like her don't change. Good luck with your babies, I hope they bring you joy.

Wow. YANBU. No need to justify it - end of.

I think you should protect your children from this woman. I wouldn't let her within sniffing distance

No, not unreasonable at all. You would also WNBU to cut contact altogether if you chose to. She doesn’t deserve access to you or your lovely family.

You are not unreasonable at all
What a horrible mother. There is no excuse or justification for her abuse of you. Stick to your boundaries and don't engage at all. Just ignore. Do you have a supportive partner and other family members?
Beware of her trying to use flying monkeys. Anyone who tries to advocate for her should be shut down and ignored too.

She told my eldest recently to tell me she's got a few bits for baby. And that no matter what, she is still my mum. Which makes me feel a little guilty even though I know I shouldn't. I've tried and tried to form a relationship with this woman. I was diagnosed with personality disorder and anxiety years ago. The doctors told me it was from the emotional and physical neglect growing up. She drove my older sister away years ago too. And my dad is somehow still with her. But he is very very depressed and admits it's her that's made him this way. But that they've been together so long he couldn't leave her now. He's been far from an angel but my relationship was always better with him. One of the last things I said to her was thank you. Thank you for being the "mother" you have been to me. Because you've made me such a good mother to my children. Because I will never treat my children the way she does me. My kids constantly tell me they love me, and me them. I don't just tell them I show them. And me and my kids are all so close. She's definitely gonna play the victim when my baby is born. She is good at that. And I'll be bitch using my baby against her. But he doesn't need her. She won't do nana things with him. Just the same as my other children.

My dad drifts in and out. Seen him 3 times this last year. Even though he is always in the area. He can ignore my messages for weeks/months too. Always an excuse. Other than that, my only other family on that side is my big sister. She wouldn't go behind my back. My husband is very aware of all and very supportive. My Mil and I clashed at first but now she knows me a hell of a lot more we are really close. She has even said if my mum starts sniffing around she can piss off. And believe me that's saying something xx

YANBU.
Stay strong.
Concentrate on yourself and your family, the one you actually chose. ❤️

I am very concerned you are even asking.

You are a parent now. You need to be MUCH more sure of yourself and what is acceptable
for the life of you and your child

You get nothing but pain from any attempted relationship with this woman, your experience has shown that. It will be the same for your children. She does not have a right to contact with them and is not going to suddenly turn into Granny of the Year if she does, or even be slightly adequate.

Protect yourself, protect them.

why on earth are any of your children in contact with her???

I don't know why I let her get in my head. I know you're right. But she's got in my head so much Ive been contemplating this post for a while but was really worried everyone would tell me how horrid I am being. I'm really worried she will feel she can just turn up once he is born. I've told my nearest and dearest my baby isn't to go on social media. And the news isn't to be broadcasted. Who I want to know that he is here, I will tell. X

My eldest goes there to see my dad. X

I can’t believe she’s in your children’s lives tbh. I wouldn’t have her in the same town as her

My eldest is 20, so it's not like I can forbid her. But my eldest keeps her at arms length.x

Your dad - who spectated the abuse you endured as a child. Watched as you were kicked out at 16 with a baby. And
now ignores messages and bothers to see you a couple of Times a year? I can’t pretend to understand so I’m no help. My
Advice?. Have nothing more to do with the
pair of them - but I suspect that is
not going to happen this lifetime

Also @KellyAnne47 , look at CPTSD. It can be diagnosed as a personality disorder when really it is a trauma response.

I'm really glad your husband is supportive and send good wishes to you and the family you've made. It isn't easy to do what you've done, it takes strength and bravery.

Trust me, even I know I should have cut ties with both a long time ago. I guess its always been a case of clutching at straws. Any form of affection I would take. I was so envious and yet confused at friends relationships with their parents growing up. X

Of course she is in your head. You’re a victim of abuse and that doesn’t just go away.
YANBU to ignore her completely, messages, calls can go unanswered and you can get a ring doorbell to screen who is at the door.

You shared that you have been diagnosed with a personality disorder. EUPD/BPD? (Different names for the same thing) if that's what you've been diagnosed with, it's your personality disorder that's making you even consider having this woman in your and your children's lives.

A person without that diagnosis would walk away and not look back given what you've written here

Thank you. I will certainly look into this.

I've tried to end my own life in the past when struggling to deal with it all. But I've overcome that now. But it's still rough sometimes.

I think maybe I'm a little more hormonal than I'd like to admit right now. And vulnerable.

I don't want her ruining this magical time! I need to snap out of it rather than dwell. X

She can’t exactly to stop her adult daughter going there can she?

BPD. X

The Op needs to tell her daughter what’s she’s told us